This started with something and just ramble

when did life stop being about living?

When did it become Surviving?

When did it become a performance?

I know the answers to these questions, despite the fact that they’re rhetorical.

It’s not just me though. I think.

I can’t remember when I actually did something for me. I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed anything though. Depression sucks like that.

Yet you can’t tell. I’m good at that, i’ve had my entire life to practice.

‘I can’t lie’, I let small things out. Harmless stuff, not secrets, nothing big or important. ‘Nooo I’d never do that’ simple things. I always get caught on it, thats by design. I can lie, I’m one of the best liars I know.

Thats not something I’m proud of but it’s what I had to do growing up. I’m not ashamed of it. Getting caught on smaller lies though helps hide the bigger ones. I learnt that pretty early on.

I can smile through anything, laugh, joke. Doesn’t matter, I can seem fine, happy even. I observe people, take the time to learn about them so I can adjust accordingly. Like my boss prefers to be quiet for the first half n hour on a shift, he needs time to get into the work. He doesn’t want to talk when he’s tired, or when he’s stress or when his footballs on, he can get snappy and rude. He’s in a really good mood when he’s teasing staff, being harsh with his humour (we both have a pretty messed up sense of humour).

He’s picked up on the fact that I know how to act based on small things. Not to the full extent, but he’s picked on it a bit. It’s nothing personal, it’s just how I interact.

I have a hard time socialising, really hard time. I miss cue’s, don’t always understand the meaning of things, I buffer a lot, have to ask for clarification a lot too. I struggle with empathy too, which confuses me. I feel things deeply, too deeply even if I don’t show it. But my co-worker told me he broke up with his girlfriend on Sunday and I told him ‘you’ll get over it’.

I only figured out after I relayed this conversation to my mother that it was insensitive but I honestly have no clue what else to say and I’m not wrong. I feel bad for him but I just can’t even find the right words? Comforting people ha! I don’t lack empathy, I find it hard to comfort people.

I don’t do the whole, physical affection thing despite being incredibly touch starved. It’s not something I grew up with, the whole casual physical affection, or any physical affection really. Now it’s just kinda not something I do, which everyone in my life is aware of.

People get super happy when I allow them to, it’s funny.

I don’t show affection well either. I told a family friend ‘I love you’ by accident like two years ago, and he still hasn’t let it go. I tell it my mum all the time, it’s a habit though? Like I mean it, in a complicated - I have to she’s my mother - way.

Anyways, I’m getting off track aren’t I. Anyways, so I don’t really fit in? Like, I’m different to your normal person. Though normal is pretty subjective and really not a word you should use, maybe stereotype way is better.

The weirdness seeps out in small ways, like me not wanting to be touched, not knowing how to comfort people.

You can’t tell that I’m hella depressed though. It’s funny actually because after I ended up in hospital for well yk, I went to work hours later. It wasn’t that bad, just me in a mindset, why am I over explaining this.

I am weird though, more weird than I let on. Which is surprising people I look weird, I know I do.

Like today Oml, I went to this Greek place with my mum and family friend right?? It was owned by Greek people, the food was really good but I was like low-key desperate to leave. EVERYONE in there was either staring at more or like, doing glances with a face. Then the waiter person just forgot my drink, TWICE!! Family friend had to go ask someone else for me!! Then they forgot my sauce TWICEEEE where family friend had to ask AGAIN!

Which yk what, I’m okay with the stares and judgemental glances. I look funny, my arms are hella scarred. I’m the poster child of bad decisions but like, f-ing up my order? Cmon dude, ur working and I’m literally paying for it and it wasn’t cheap!!

ALSO! Get to know a person before you judge them! Yes, I look funny but there are tonnes of people who have judged me at first glance and then LOVED me after talking to me. I’m hella charming, and sweet. I know how to be thank you very much.

Anyways, the worst thing i’ve probs done is like, spray pain or underage drink but thats not even BAD. I have friends who do dr-gs. I’m so well behaved. And yes I have been told by multiple people that I look like a drug addict but thats not the point.

Anyways, so yeah, i’m odd which people can see. They can see that though, thats okay, the depression? No one’s seen that, go me