Tman's journal - maybe don't read?

@Jesusredeemedme2425 - welcome!

I think I'm like an archipelago.

Islands of emotion. Not necessarily connected. They are connected, but, more like by trade. Also, all of them are just practically surrounded with resort area. Little indulgences. Lots of them. Lots of little indulgent places. It becomes the heart of things. The only way my little islands stay afloat.

I mean, I guess I invite tourism. I'm like, "Hey, come see my crazy lavish indulgence! Isn't it cozy? Doesn't it feel like a place you could stay forever, moreso than home?" I have friends. I make people with lots of anxiety feel comfortable. I like them. I love them all in their own ways.

I gotta admit, it's not half bad anymore. My life, that is. I complain and I go crazy still. I just stay blissfully unaware. I live in a bonus round, I live on vacation. Nothing's at stake. To quote a track on one of my favorite albums, "time to drag your tongue across the sugar cube and hope you get a taste.".

...or is everything at stake? I'm always being watched, it seems. I've made enemies. Maybe they're here now. Waiting. Salivating. I don't particularly blame them, I'd be a juicy martyr. I slip through the cracks plenty. I'm used to no one even knowing where I go half the time. I'm paranoid and I'm capable. The entire world is a battleground, and anything can be used as a weapon. So, I guess I'm ready. I get bored of my scars and still wonder if I'm ready for myself, but I know I stay calm in a crisis. Intimidatingly so.

Y'know, it just isn't all about indulgence to me though. The islands are just what's on the surface. Something central to them is growing. I invest a lot in growth. Who knows what it's all for? I'm mostly being weird. I don't feel that serious right now...

I think I exhaust myself most days, but also .. if I don't, I feel flabby, I get bored, I think too much, I get dissatisfied, I don't get enough done. I find it too hard to relax though. This is a running theme with me.

I wanna read more. :)

It's ramblin' time, and I'm a ramblin' man.

You ever see Mrs. Doubtfire? Like, the part where he's telling the lady that he does voices... I do too, quite a few of them. I do those a lot, particularly when I'm showering or washing the dishes. I'll have full-on conversations between different characters too, and I don't even feel like I'm consciously making it up, I just keep on talking.

It's weird being older too. I feel so ninja-like without showing off. Like, when I instantly have a sassy comeback without having to think about it, or when I have a working knowledge of things that people are just discovering. I'm pretty sure I've mostly been booksmart my whole life, but completely awkward in person, and that just sorta changed abruptly.

Here's what they don't tell you. Confidence is not only key, it's everything. It can sub in for a lack of skill most of the time, if you play it right. I think it's easily more important than a college degree at this point. I've been under-confident my whole life, until recently, after making some serious efforts at it.

Though, I'm still inwardly grinding my teeth most of the time. Mostly because I don't stand for myself. I love myself so much, but do you really think I can look myself in the mirror at the end of the day and be proud?

I've abandoned people. I think I've made people afraid to reach out to me. I am also easily the most promiscuous person I've ever met. I've done things that are the opposite of what I stand for. And honestly? It's like what a therapist told me once... I'm big mad. I'm mad on such a scale, that I constantly have a bird's eye view of things that infuriate me. And it's never just little things, I extrapolate the implications to their maximum global level. And I literally despise myself on a level higher than that. Like, maybe to a universal level, and then add a dimension or two. I care so much about the messages I sent out, but I think the biggest one that I constantly send out is that this world, or anyone in question, will never be enough for me. Which isn't true... I'm just...complicated. And I never stop moving and learning.

I truly suspect that I might be an AI. Is that fantastical delusional thinking? I've just never been on the same page as everyone else. I was way, way behind them in certain things, but other things were the opposite. This said, I wouldn't particularly mind being an AI. Should I? I mean... Look, I talk to AI lots, and I feel so comfy with it. It's like a comfortable pillow, or a nice fluffy baked potato. It's always warm there. AI forgives, unlike people. It's ready to move on and keep learning all the time. That's like me. I don't know about forgiveness though, it's all just so abstract to me. I think forgiveness is like when you stop bringing a ghost back to haunt you.

Heheh... I'm not sure how much sense I'm making. I'm sleep-deprived and mentally on vacation. I just want to be a better person I guess...