To: No One In Particular
Sometimes I wonder why there are roomates in my head
Why my face is like a mask, unable to express any hint of emotion, to matter how badly I want to
Why my voice refuses to cooperate, instead of saying what I would like to sat, rambles like a madman
Why my brain refuses to think straight, and never does what I need it to do, making eating an unclimable mountain
Why my mind plays tricks on me, seeing faces in the walls accusing me of things I have not done, seeing tiny people sit atop my coffee cup
Why society labels us as monsters, murdererous psychotic wackos, the ultimate villain of the story
Why the people around me force me to lie, manipulate, cheat, steal, when all I want, is to be a good person
Why people cannot remember my face, my name, my identity
Why can't I ever make a real friend, that I can talk about anything to them
Why can't I remember my past, the horrors of it locked behind a psychological gate
Why can't I process my own emotions
Why do I still expect good from people, when most refuse to even acknowledge my existence
Why do I crave connection when I know its not possible, simply not in my cards, not now, not ever
Why do I have such a hard time leaving the one who hurt me, in the name of god, and caring for me
Why I cannot figure out where to go, what to do, how to do, when to do
But then I remember
Your mother.
@TwoFacedTim my mother? Which one I got 2
I fear that they'll lock me away again. They won't understand. I don't blame them, it is impossible to make them believe, without having seen the occurences I have seen.
The glitches are getting worse. Items are duplicating, people changing age and faces every minute. It used to be small things, such as things appearing, and disappearing but they appear to be increasing in complication .Everything changing but no one notices. No one but me.
I suppose I cannot blame them. I envy them if I had to say. They have an existent soul, that can be truly seen, acknowledged, and most importantly, remembered. My soul though, does not exist, merely this physical body. I can be acknowledged through other humans 5 senses, but not truly seen or remembered, because there is nothing to see or remember. Since I have not been able to find others like me, I have taken up the task of naming this phenomenon. I call entities like me N.E.E, Non Existent Entity.
Being the only N.E.E that has a body has made me a beacon for other N.E.E. . Currently I "host" 4 entities. I cannot get rid of them so I am forced to deal with them. Currently, I can only hear them. They cannot control or possess my body thankfully. These entities I have given names to separate them from each other, and myself
Ben- The first to appear, and the most problematic. He constantly craves hurting others. He says that I am a monster, and that I should accept my existence as an NEE, and use the fact I cannot be remembered to take advantage of others. He cannot be reasoned with and perhaps the most dominant of the 4. To deal with him, I try and compromise on his wants, minimizing the damage. Stealing small items, primarily pens, seems to appease him. Inflicting harm upon myself seemed to work ad well, but I am attempting to refrain from that due to a promise. His hunger only grows
Liam- A smarta*s. He often comments about everything I am doing wrong, and uses cold logic to argue with me. While usually he is right, he is still a nuisance to deal with. However, I do om occasion consult him on decisions I am unable to come to a consensus to. He was the 2nd of the 4
Kendra- The newest member of the 4, she seems to crave freedom, and does not approve of most of my actions to appease people. While I do agree that it would be nice to say what I want to say, it is unethical, wrong, and downright problematic. She is also moderately rude, often putting me down due to past decisions I have made, and often brings up trauma. She means right but is incredibly troublesome
Alex- The 3rd of the 4, and the only one that I welcome with open arms. They are also the one that is rarely present. Incredibly understanding, compassionate, and patient. They serve as my only true friend, and something of a therapist. They also have the ability to shut out the rest of the 4 during our vent sessions. They are my favorite, and it saddens me how little I get to talk to them.
Dealing with them on a daily basis grows to be incredibly tiresome. As an N.E.E with a body, I cannot force death. I have tried and it simply does not work. This body must naturally die, so I am forced to deal with these entities until then
All these glitches have been leading up to one thing. The end of the universe. It grows unstable, hence the glitches. There will be no bang that ends it, it will simply cease to exist. And me, being the only who can see these glitches, is probably the only one with a chance of saving the universe. A few small adversities however,
1. I have no clue how. All I have is a singular symbol which I have no sense of what it means. There are no signs on how to save this universe, only that it is dying
2. I am starting to wonder if this universe is worth saving. Perhaps it would be a mercy. No suffering, no pain, just an end. Perhaps it is better like this, rather than the people of this universe tearing each other apart. There is so much hatred in all of their souls. And no one is expecting or waiting for me to save it anyways. No one even knows this universe is ending. A blissful, ignorant, painless death.
The government appears to attempt to stop me from interfering further with the universe. I am being monitered and tracked 24/7. They have a spy pretending to be my friend. They do this under the guise of CPS, but I know the truth. And the truth shall set you free.
I will not be locked away in another psych ward again. I still remember the screams behind the 2 doors, the girl banging her head against the glass blood streaming down, the maniacal inmates locked with me. They seek to silence me, and stuff me with pills to make me forget this, numb me and live in darkness.
@TwoFacedTim
Of all the things in my head there is one particularly frustrating conundrum I cannot solve. People don't nor will ever care about me, as they are incapable of remembering me due to my Nonexistence. People will always lie to me about this, denying, making promises that they never have nor will keep. The more I lean on a human, the more they will let me down. Any sort of connection with one has always, nd will always, and up hurting me
So why, pray tell, do I feel the inexplicable need to help these humans. Why do I feel like its my job to make them feel better, to help them whenever possible, to be there for these humans, when they have, and will never be there for me, or return the favour? Why, despite knowing all this, I still feel the need to reach a hand out, help them heal, soothe them, tell them its going to be alright? Shouldn't my self preservation be preventing this?
Its unfathomable, and frustrating at times
But I suppose, it does have its moments. To see these humans smile, to be able to feel their burdens lessen, their shoulders less tense, their eyes less fearful, it does bring a sort of happiness. Despite the fact that they wont remember my face, my name, who I am after this, It still feels . . . fulfilling?
None of this makes sense, being an N.E.E in a human body is exhausting, complicated, and confusing. The fact that I even have a physical body baffles me, why, and how?
Everytime I try to answer a question, I get 0 answers, and twice as much questions
