Trying to do one of these everyday!

Part of me has always wanted to join the army. Give myself a sense of meaning but also changing who I am.

I can't because the army doesn't accept people who have self harm scars. Yet I can see myself doing it.

It's not like I'm uncomfortable with who I am. I dye my hair on a regular basis, have a face full of piercings and a tattoo collection that I'm continually adding to.

I look odd but i'm a good person. I smile at strangers, super polite when working. I have a good vibe, good energy when I'm out. It's a facade, a person I created when I was 12 and started high school.

I've always hated myself. Doesn't matter what I do or change, I still hate myself. I don't understand it, but i've come to terms with it.

The army would make me useful. It would make me a person with meaning, i'd no longer be a wandering soul in the desert.

I'm skilled, I can pick up things pretty easily. Yet, i have no passion. Nothing that drives me, nothing that tells me that I have a purpose, that there's a meaning to my life.

I've tried finding one, but i'm slowly running out of ideas. Sure, i could settle down with something i'm good at but will that be fulfilling? Is living a life that's not meaningful to you worth it?

Right now I work part time at a takeaway (fast food). It doesn't full fill me but I loose myself in the routine of it, i need it or else i'd never leave my bed.

I went to a sixthform, a college. I've worked two jobs, one job.

I'm 19. I have plenty of time, i know this. Yet, everyone second I waste lying in bed, going out, trying to figure out. It's like i'm bleeding from an open wound and there's not long left to go.

Idk. I'm lost and confused and just so tired