Uhh family ig

This is gonna make me sound like an awful person but you people don't know me so i'm not too bothered.

I've only ever loved one person in my life and actually felt it. Usually I know that I love people but don't get the feeling. This includes my family.

I somewhat lack empathy too. Unless I care about you, which is a very small group of people, I won't feel anything. If a stranger told me their dog died, i wouldn't feel bad or sad, just the normal numb feeling.

(I'm aware that this may be just another side effect of depression.)

Despite my lack of empathy though, I do still provide great advice and do my best at comforting. I used to be a listener actually, before my mental health started to decline. Anyways, this is not the point of why i'm writing this. Just a bit of backstory, information to explain.

I don't love my family. I mean sure, I do in my head, it's an obligation most people feel. Yet, I also don't talk to most of my family. I talk to no one on my dad's side, though he wasn't a present figure in my childhood.

I haven't spoken to my aunt's since i was about 14-15 (i'm 19) and haven't spoken to my nan since last Christmas. Of course theres the merry Christmas and happy birthday texts but nothing more.

My lack of love for them, and the lack of love in return made it easier to cut them off from my life. Although, I would enjoy being a figure in my younger cousins lives, it's not something I feel guilt over.

I technically have one sister and 4 half siblings.

My oldest sister, the one I share both parents with, doesn't have an active role in my life. Despite growing up with really only each other, as we got older she continuously betrayed my trust. Something that I don't give out easily and it took me a while to know that although I knew a lot about her, she knew absolutely nothing about me. A sad fact and yet true. So my once closest sibling, is now someone i'm not talking to.

My older half brother moved out when he was 13, making me about 5 or 6. He moved out for reasons I will not disclose, but despite us being very similar, we never were really apart of eachothers lives. Now I see him about twice a year and occasionally get updated on his tattoos.

One of my younger sisters moved out about a year ago. My mother is on the poorer side, whereas her father is fairly rich. My younger sister wasn't happy with not getting everything she wanted and so moved to live with her dad, I don't talk to her much. She blocked me after I told her off for her actions, and now I see her every now and then.

My younger brother is my favourite, a fact I am far too loud about. He's a good kid, about 4-5 years younger than me and yet we get along really well.

Then I have a sister on my dad's side, one that I have only met once. I love being an older brother, but unfortunately due to my lack of communication with my father, i'll never get the opportunity.

Anyways so thats the run down on my siblings. If you're still reading this, why? How?

Next is my mother. A complex relationship, one that I never know how to define. I can't comment much on how I was raised due to lack of memories. I know that as I got older, from about 10, she became less and less of a mother. Perhaps thats why me and my sister started to grow apart. It was up to us to run the house, while my sister was uptight and far too like how my mother used to be, I was a lot more relaxed.

I think that built up a lot of resentment. I tried to keep peace whereas she had her way and that was the only way. Anyways.

I was always the child who'd look at prices before asking or choosing. Always questioned my mother when she said "you can have anything you want" and would proceed to pick the bare minimum. I wouldn't ask for new school supplies, shoes, bags.

When she asked for 'christmas lists' I would always ask for simple things like clothes, a bag for school. She'd always get more because that's how she works. She tries to buy your love, still does as if it's going to fix years worth of neglect and resentment.

We have an agreement now as I still live and home and neither of us can afford to live alone. We don't bring it up. We have about two heated arguments a year that lead to not talking to eachother for weeks until we pretend it never happened.

I don't love her because she didn't raise me, her love always cane with conditions and there are too many horrors in my childhood that I simply can't forgive her for. Yet, I care about her. I worry about her, I do everything for her. Idk why, idk how to explain it.

I have the comfort knowing that I could cut her off, even if it meant loosing where I live, i'd find a way to manage.