Which I could go back.

I’d have to go back to being 8 to fix me.

I’m 20 this year, not old but I feel it.

But no I’d have to go back to being 8, or maybe 5 or maybe when I was conceived and I’d tell my mum to get an abortion because I know how this goes.

Maybe she’d listen, maybe she wouldn’t.

Sometimes I feel like I’m waiting for life to be good again. It was never good, not as far as I can remember and when it was I didn’t feel good.

I can’t remember the last time I felt GOOD. Which is funny because I argued with my mum and sister today that I’m mentally stable.

I’m not, well no I am. I’m not s-icidal, maybe passively but not actively. I don’t have mental breakdowns. Now, is that because I’ve been basically in a constant breakdown since I was 13, yes, but thats not the point.

I don’t think if I could go back and change something, anything would change. If I went to 8 years old and just told him to shout, scream and just say something instead of keeping it all in.

It’s stupid because my mum wouldn’t have cared, I wasn’t someone she focused on. Sad but true. So if I told my 8 year old self that, I think it would be futile.

Older ages, I would’ve just ignored myself.

I wish I was normal though. I wish I didn’t look at happy family’s and feel jealous or envious. I wish I didn’t hear about my friends good lives and feel jealous.

Course I’m happy for those people, but it doesn’t stop the feeling.

It’s one of the big reasons why I hate myself, my inability to improve I guess. I’m a good person, I know that. Intrusive thoughts are just that, thoughts. Feelings aren’t something I can control, but I can control my actions. I’m good at that.

No I just I’ve tried right? I mean, I’ve been using this before it was even an app. It’s not therapy but it’s the closest thing to it, I can’t afford actual therapy. I used to do the 1-1 chats but I find that people are really hit or miss on their, I’ve also had the chat end on my a fair few times.

I get it, I’m a lot. The things I’ve been through, my thought processes, it’s all just a lot.

This makes it more optional? People can choose to read it, choose to comment, choose to scroll away. That makes it easier for me to just ramble on and not feel guilty.

But no, I’ve tried. I went through everything I could find. I took recommendations from people, google, mh websites, here. I put in a lot of effort and I just. The only improvement I’ve had is feeling numb.

Feeling numb scares me more than feeling awful I think. I don’t know.

I get that I’m young, but I’m young yk? I feel like it’s unfair that I have to deal with this. I wanna be able to go out and genuinely have fun?

I don’t want to be so touch starved that I flinch when people go to touch me. I don’t wanna be with people I care about and not be happy. I don’t want to feel like I’m failing at life all because I can’t do one simple freaking thing.

But then it’s like, I don’t think I even remember what happiness feels like which is just sad. It’s sad, I’m sad, my life is sad.

I went out with an old friend and his gf on Saturday and I just couldn’t get into it? They were having fun and I just felt so out of place. Which sucks cuz they were so nice and they’d make great friends but I just was so me.

I tried to enjoy it, i just couldn’t. It’s not just them, it’s countless other people and it makes me feel like an awful person.

Idk. I just, I wish I could go back? See if I could fix it early yk? Maybe if I just had support and love as a kid, or just someone who noticed. Anything. Maybe if I was louder, actually spoke about my problems then I wouldn’t be so broken now.