a new battle
Wassup peeps,
Im gonna write this for myself… mainly because my journal is too far and im too lazy to go get it.
I think- no. I know I have a deep problem with letting people in. No one knows the full me and I want to change that. I always tell my friends about what Im going through, but I always pick a new friend for each issue. Theres only one person that I feel comfortable telling this to, but they have a busy life and I don’t want to bother or worry them with all this. Anywho, lets cut to the chase.
I can’t love. And I don’t wanna hear the “ohh you need to love yourself first” yada yada- no, *** that. Im scared to let people know the full me. The everything that I hide. Like how I get very uncomfortable when people try to comfort me because it doesn’t feel genuine. Or when I self sabotage myself because I think like that and let every boy thats come into my life slip right through my fingers.
They don’t know that I have PICA so I bite my nails and skin to calm me down. Or how my OCD causes triggers when im driving. Or how my GAD and MDD are just another personality I use to make jokes or blame bad decisions on. OR my ADHD which cancels ALL of it out.
Maybe how I was crazy over this boy that my friends didnt like but I cared too much about what people thought of me with him that I dipped.
im tired… to be continued
💛baba💛
THE CONTINUATION GOES ON!
however the boy stuff is normal insecurity problems that we all go through. Which leads me to my next problem.
I brush things off too easily. I let people think im fine when Im not because I don't want to have a crazy long conversation trying to explain it all. I say “eh its fine” when I don’t mean it. I just don’t want to be a burden on others.
Years ago I would write so many songs of everything all my emotions, all the pain, it was my way of communicating with myself and maybe to a few close friends. But now I don’t. I’ve lost my drive to write music or even just practice and that one I don’t know why. I love music, I think about picking up my guitar and practicing everyday, but the laziness kicks in. It makes me start to wonder if it is the laziness or if something is holding me back.
whatever it is, guess I gotta wait to have a third eye awakening experience or whatever.
pretty much what this whole tangent is telling me is that I should NOT stop taking my meds if you read my earlier post. Im still struggling. Still searching for that switch in me that will finally release me from these chains im trapped in.
until next time
💛bibi💛