im bored and feeling expressive so...
hi *** last 11 months or so are so complicated for me, nothing big happened yet it was all a mess in my head. after giving one of my first big competitive exam, which i took too personal on my ego btw i wanted to pass so bad i wanted to show some people that i could do it- it was stupid actually i should have done that for myself even tho i passed its been a mess since then, the result somehow boosted my imposter syndrome and i kinda isolated myself which did not help, it made things worse i fell into disassociating, daydreaming, even paranoia. i was too much in my head, overthinking, daydreaming, i shut down from my emotions. it resulted in brain freeze, like a lot of them, even at slight problems or critical thinking situations my mind would just go blank. i become super underconfident with low self esteem, i wouldnt take anything seriously nothing mattered to me no matter what it was i just didnt care- but little did i know it would come bite me in the ***, i was empty vessel, nothing but for silly little laughters- and that was not good for me i didnt want this life- this me, i didnt want to be someone ambitionless someone with zero values, self respect, or emotions even-
i have big time mood instability and thanks to that i dont wanna write anymore
adios
@idkkkkkk69
Hi there!
I can understand your exam imposter syndrome. I also wanted to prove to some people my worth, and for some reason, that worth was in my exam scores. (also congrats on passing btw!) I think it was only after a while after my test scores came back, did I realize that if I had to prove my worth to those people through my achievements, then maybe the relationship we had wasn't what it was supposed to be.
I had to take a step back an reevaluate a lot of things in my life after that, and I realized that the people around me shouldn't be around me for my results, but for who I was. I think I had a life crisis right around then, cuz I completely freaked out when I realized that's pretty much everyone around me 😅. But I'm happy to say I made it through, and I have realized that if people wanted to be around the person you truly are, they would. they wouldn't feel forced, and you wouldn't have to prove your worth, they would just stay.
I hope this offers you some kind of comfort and that things get better.
with care💛,
- Calling123
@Calling123 im glad to read that. i would be frank it did not comfort me, it's different from what i went through so it did made me feel weird but thankyou for sharing :)