Entry 11 -- Everything was fine!
I was feeling great! I've been on my grind all week, and this morning I took a walk while listening to a meditation. I made some nice food, got some research in, then decided to do some work.
But work isn't...working heh. I'm having trouble submitting my work, meaning I can't actually do what I need to do! Money is a huge issue for me, so not being able to work is a major financial strain. This is not to mention the fact that this disruption of my plan has completely thrown me off emotionally.
I went from totally chill to flying off the handle at tiny things. I know this is my neurodiverse brain, but it's so frustrating! I can't do anything about the work thing -- I know this. My brain won't let it go, though. I cannot get myself back to center again!
Sometimes I can just shrug off adversity. But more often, it feels like one thing after another is going wrong, and I can't fix anything! It's like trying to get from one end of a hallway to another, but there are obstacles in the way, people are throwing things at me, the ceiling tiles are falling, lockers are spewing books into my path, windows are shattering around me.
Logically, I know the thing to do is to just wait. I can't deal with waiting though. I have a direction, and I feel like I have to go that direction no matter what.
I also know, logically, that the way I'm feeling is not just about my circumstances. I am out of my meds, so my ADHD and Autism are louder. I am also suffering from mood swings because I'm out of my T-Blocker.
Sometimes it feels like every bad thing that has happened over the last week or two gets dumped in my lap, and I can't do anything about it. I'm sad, frustrated, annoyed, quick to anger, helpless, hopeless, and overall just overwhelmed!
It's so much to deal with. I know I need to rest. It's just so hard to do! When I'm in this kind of mood, it makes me more stubborn than ever. My persistence usually ends in burnout and then debilitating depression. I WANT MY MOMMY!!
I should probably just go to bed. That won't be easy, but I think it's my best bet. Writing this has helped me get some perspective, though, so that's good. If you've read this, thank you. This community means so much to me, and I think I would be spiralling much worse if it wasn't for just this website alone.
So thank you 💖 and good night 🌖
