Am I Tramagender

Over the past month or so this thought has been at the back of my mind, and I just want to share my thoughts and observations with other people here.

So I’ve spent my life as a guy. I went to an all boys school, most of my friends are guys, I’ve interacted a lot with other men, etc, and when I was a kid I did sometimes imagine myself in the future as a father. However, recently something has happened inside my brain, and I’m beginning to question some things about myself.

My whole life I’ve identified as a man, yet recently I’ve began to wonder, did I ever really feel comfortable as a man. To be honest, I’ve never truly hated my male identity, or ever felt like I had to change in order to be happy, but in all honesty I’m beginning to wonder whether or not I have ever truly liked being a man.

A common argument that a lot of transphobes use to discourage trans people is to point out differences between men and women, in spite of the significant overlap in a good majority of these traits, and say that it would make no sense for a woman to have things like an Adam’s apple or big hands, and so on. However, interestingly, the biological aspect of this has started to make me wonder whether I AM transgender, because, off the top of my head, I don’t have an Adam’s apple, I’m noticeably shorter than most other men my age though I’m not a small person, my hands are smaller when compared to those of other men, and I have wider hips than other guys.

I’m also really hairy as well with hair in really awkward places that I want to shave but either can’t reach or don’t have a razor strong enough to get all of it, and people tell me that I look good with a beard, but I honestly don’t particularly like having one, or the feeling of getting itchy whenever my stubble grows in. On the contrary, I’ve been recently growing my hair out longer that I usually do, and I honestly enjoyed having one hair significantly more so than having really short hair.

These are things that I’ve felt mildly self conscious about throughout my life, although not enough to leave me with deep feelings of body dysmorphia. That’s one of the things that makes me wonder if I’m really transgender though is the fact that I’ve never truly hated my body, even though I sometimes felt embarrassed or self conscious about my features and would sometimes compare myself to others.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that, while I’ve always known that I’m attracted to women, I’ve begun to notice that more and more men are beginning to catch my eye in the same way that certain women do. I’ve also had this growing desire to interact with women more in general. At first I thought it was just loneliness in my part and wanting a girlfriend, but even after finding out that some of the women I’ve talked to were in relationships, I’ve still wanted to be friends with them because I just like their company, and sometimes I’ve imagined what it would be like to be a woman myself.

I think the thing that makes me most doubtful though is all of the discourse I’ve read online about transgender people from right wingers and other people and some of the things they’ve said about them. I’m worried that, if I ever do decide to transition, I’ll read something that will make me regret my decisions that I made that I cannot change, or I’ll feel this nagging sense of doubt brought about by people who don’t accept the idea of trans people. I’ve also read some things about possible health concerns, with some studies saying that trans women in particular are at higher risk of things like heart attacks or blood clots (although the extent of this is uncertain as different studies say different things) but at the same time surely the doctors performing hormone therapies would keep this in mind and ensure that patients transition safely.

So those are my thoughts. To anyone reading this, what do you think? Am I transgender? Or am I just confused? I haven’t really talked to anyone about this yet, so I don’t want to jump the gun and rush to conclusions.