Dealing with internalised homophobia- advice? (long)
Hi, Im new here and I guess Im just looking for some advice. I just havent been feeling too great for a while now, but I cant really access any services.
Im going to uni this year but for now I just feel stuck. Throughout high school I pretty much used workaholism to avoid confronting how I felt about myself and being gay. Im torn on this, because Ive never wanted to make my sexuality a huge part of my identity, and I like everything that comes with working hard. However it just all builds up and whenever I have nothing to work on I feel this way.
Theres just so much anxiety about coming out- in almost every social situation Im anticipating a question about relationships/sexuality, deciding wether to evade it or answer honestly, and anticipating how people would react if I chose to speak. Im a private person and it used to not bother me, but its gotten so exhausting, maintaining it for years.
I have told some close friends and family (all of whom are fine with it) but I still dont feel able to mention anything in relation to my sexuality with them. Whenever the topic comes up, I just feel guilty because it feels like Im making them uncomfortable by being there. Its the same feeling when Im with people who dont know.
And theres just this shame I cant seem to get past- whenever I feel attracted to another woman sexually, part of it just feels like Im in the wrong. Like Im seeing/objectifying her in a way that would make her feel uncomfortable and that feels really, really wrong to me.
Anyway, I just cant really see myself in a relationship, partly due to all the above, and partly because Ive based so much of my self-worth on achieving and being perfect in every aspect of my life. Needless to say, that doesnt exactly leave you content with yourself.
And I dont feel like I can talk about it, because Ive always maintained that Ive accepted it- because I think that makes it easier for others to. But in truth, and I know Im not meant to say this, I really wish I wasnt gay. I dont want it to be something I feel bitter about, because I know whats true and what just comes from societal attitudes. But I just dont want to have to think about this anymore.
@MsCoffee22
Well that sounds like a problem that I know like the back of my hand.
And I just have to tell you how sorry I am that you have to go through this. It's an ever lingering and incredibly exhausting problem.
I too hate comming out and always anticipate lots of uncomfortbale questions and when a situation forces me to. And I feel a lot of shame for my orientation, up to the point where I tried forcefully changing it for several years, just to fit in and not be so "unfair" to other people. Which of course didn't work and left me feeling even worse about myself.
People who I'm out to are all positive about it which for some reason makes it even worse because I shouldn't have anything to complain about.
They all think I've accepted myself long ago too, but they're pretty blind to what's actually going on. Probably because just like you I use working hard as a distraction to avoid confronting myself with my internalized phobia as well. I never allowed myself to think about it, even though the hurt burns like fire. Whenever I felt like that I would just keep distracting myself with work until I forgot about it, which worked "well" for a few years. The only thing that broke my perfect barrier of denial, was when guys at work started asking me out. It made ignoring it impossible because they were persistent and I was constantly confronted with how I really felt. I started beating myself up mentally to horrible extends because of that.
That went on for a while, but the mental pain became so much that it became unbearable and I was forced to do something about it. I didn't even want to google search the problem because I hated confronting it that much, but it quickly gave me a term for what I was experiencing: "internalized phobia". I thought that was ridiculous and looked it up further, quickly realizing that I had all the symptoms. So I treated it like an illness and started looking up a cure for it, wich is where my advice comes in as well.
1. Inform yourself about internalized homophobia. You've probably done this one already, but I'd advise you to do it as thoroughly as possible.
2. Inform yourself about your own orientation, even if you think you know everything there is to know already. Go through lots of different resources, articles, videos, etc. and freshen up your memory. Sounds dumb but it helps.
3. And this is the most important one. Involve yourself with your own community. Talk to people, discuss your problems, make friends who have the same orientation as you. It will hurt at first just like the first two points, but it will gradually ease your negative feelings about your identity.
You already did the right thing by joining this support group and sharing your feelings. Keep involving yourself and talking to lots of listeners and other people on here. And I also advise you to join groups on other websites as well. You can't be in too many in my experience. Facebook, reddit, tumblr, or something specifically for lgbt+ people, whatever you're on or can find online. Just get yourself involved as much as possible and when it hurts to be there, don't run from it, just do what you do best and work though the pain. It will get better, I promise. It already has for me.
Best of luck to you. You're never alone in this 💜💜
@Soe22 Thank you so much. It really does help to know that Im not alone in this. There are definitely lgbt+ groups at uni, so I think Ill try to connect with them… even though I find the idea kind of scary!
Anyway, I hope you are also doing okay with this and wish you all the best ☺️💛💛
