Gay where it's illegal and feel isolated

Hi,

I'm from Saudi Arabia, I went to college in the US when I was 18. The years I spent in the US really shaped up my personality. I did not even want to move back home but I had to due to not being able to find a job in the US. However, I found a good job since I moved back (almost 2 years now), but I have been struggling to live comfortably here. Homophobia is normal here and I find it from some of the cloest people to me. I was planning to come out if I remained in the US, but now it is not an option to me as it would seriosuly threaten my saftey. I also had an open mindset that often causes conflicts with my family members. Studying abroad and living in a liberal country changed me forever. I am often accused of being americanized and that I have become too foriegn for a Saudi guy. That is true, I connect better with my western self better than I connect with my roots, it feels dated and suffocating to go by the saudi traditions and culture. I am much more easy going with non-arabs and often introverted or quiet with saudis who are traditional and close-minded.

With the stress of being somewhere I do not want to be, not feeling safe or 100% myself, and constantly hiding even from the closest people to me. It's become a little too much to maintain.

I opened myself up to dating and meeting guys through online gay dating apps but because of the culture, most of the guys I like are either married (to women) or too closed minded for me. So, I find myself getting attached too quickly when I find someone I like and someone that fits in what I look for in a guy (open minded, comfortable with his sexuality, to say the least). Sometimes they're not even all what I like but I find myself getting hurt again and again when a guy stops talking to me after we meet once or twice. The reason is, I feel very lonely, and I long to connect with someone who can understand me. I've become very fragile and easily fall for any guy that has some of the characaterstics I like in a guy.

My mental health is not very good, but I get recharged when I travel outside of Saudi. I go back full of energy and happy, then after sometime I go back to feeling sad and suppressed. Everyone around me (who doesn't know I'm gay) thinks I have everything I want in life and that I am happy. It's difficult to keep putting on a show with people I can't get real with.

I'm not sure what sort of help I'm looking for, as moving out of Saudi seems too difficult at the moment, but I do know that I do not want to spend the rest of my life here. I feel like the cause of my problems is lonliness. There is a lot going on in my head but a little that I can share with people around me. How can I feel less lonely? and less weak?