I don’t know what he wants
I’m not out and neither is my “friend”. I told him how I felt about him and initially he ghosted me but he came back weeks later and acted as if everything was normal and invited me out. He said that we could never be more than friends and that he wasn’t like that but when we hung out we went to a club. There’s a girl he’s talking to and he made sure to basically dry hump her in front of me as if he had something to prove. I don’t know why he invited me just to see that. I left and went outside and he almost immediately texted me saying to come back and that he needed me. I did and he proceeded to keep dancing with her but he also would grab me by lower waist and just hold me at the same time. He ended up leaving with her even though he came with me and that upset me. However he again texted me asking if I was ok and where I was. He told me it was more important to him how I ended up. Can anyone give me perspective on what this means? I asked him about it and he says I’m digging but I know I’m not crazy.
@budddy123654
Realistically you know your friend better than any of us here can claim to, so you may be better positioned to interpret his behaviour than we are. Ultimately the only person who knows is him which is of course not very helpful I know. So I would say first, when you think of the situation, what do you think it means? What is your interpretation of his behaviour?
From what you describe it sounds like at first he wasn't sure how to react when you told him about your feelings so may have needed some time to process what you shared and figure out how he wanted to respond/react/address those feelings. Then when he got back in touch he has wanted to firmly establish that while he respects your feelings, he doesn't return them, but does want to maintain a friendship.
As to his "demonstrating" his attraction to a girl, do you think that may be a sign he is still a bit uncomfortable and worried you will continue to hope for returned affection, and so wants to drive home the message that it is not possible? Consider that you'd probably get the same sort of demonstrations of attraction to women from someone was attracted to other men but wanted to deny it, and from someone who wasn't attracted to men and wanted to demonstrate it. That's often why it can be easy to see what we want to see and why there are so many possible ways to interpret a situation.
Overall I can't tell you one way or another what his behaviour means. But some questions to consider:
- So if he says you are digging and that were true, how would you respond? What would you do?
- What might you do differently if you weren't wrong in your perception?
That’s partially why I created this thread. I never wanted to read into anything or see something that was there. I never based my judgment off of this one interaction. There have been several other instances where he demonstrated more concern than you’d expect from a typical friend. For instance, he’d rush ahead to always get the door. When we’d workout he’d share his smoothie afterwards even though I knew he wanted the whole thing. If something was wrong, he’d show up to my door and come in and just sit there and listen or just sit there in silence. One time he even got upset with me because I expressed that I didn’t want to talk to him because I said he always wants me to talk to him but is closed off himself. He stormed out and later told me that irritated him that I wouldn’t tell him. And one more example is that it was storming one day and I was studying. He texted me asking me to move my car for me so that it wouldn’t get damaged.
with his demonstrations, I just felt as though he didn’t need to personally invite me out to prove that. And even more so, when you see that I don’t like it and leave you blow up my phone asking me where I’m at, come back, I need you. All that doesn’t make sense. He appeared to have made his choice but he won’t ever just let me go. As I said he even left with her after coming with me but texted me for 2 hours while with her saying how important it is for him to know I’m alright, where I was staying, and getting upset for thinking that I was gone drive home. I never asked him to do that. I just wanted to have fun at the club.
I would understand better if he took the time away to figure out how to respond and address what I had said. But when he came back he never did. Eventually I asked about it and he said the 3 weeks were for me not for him so that I had a chance to forget. I don’t know why he assumed 3 weeks would be enough. He reached out to me because I promised myself I wouldn’t say anything until he felt ready. As for the return of affection, when he didn’t mention it neither did I. I felt like there was no reason to feel uncomfortable because I never forced or pushed anything. I said what I said one time and that was it.