Am I valid? Help

Im AFAB.

The last couple of days I've started questioning in a really intense way and I'm terrified. A few years ago I've realized that my identity is practically non-existent and I have been struggling, but these thoughts were sporadic and now they persist almost every single day and I feel tremendous anxiety.

I've had intrusive thoughts about hating my gender/sex for years, but it wasn't really about dysphoria towards my own body, moreso the idea of being a girl in itself.

I've always hated being a girl, but I never tied this feeling with a desire to be someone else. I hated wearing feminine clothes more than anything, I hated the thought of people looking at me differently, because I was a girl. I hate the fact that I can't trust my emotions, because of hormonal sh*t and mood swings, partly because I feel no control over my feelings, but also because I know that in society's eyes I will always be viewed as lesser.

For many years I've felt miserable, because I knew there are things I'll never be able to do, because I'll never be a man -- Interactions, experiences, little things and happiness. I've always looked up to men and the thought of all my favourite characters and inspirations being "so far from me" hurt.

I hated my womanhood for obvious reasons: periods, having to wear a bra and an inherent fear of getting pregnant, but mostly because of societal standards and sexism. I didn't really feel like a boy, I just didn't want to be a girl, because I knew that other men wouldn't look at me the same way they would if I was "one of them".

As a kid I wasn't able to fit in with girls and even still I don't think I do. I hated everything I thought was feminine, but in a silly way, so I can't really take that as a genuine sign. I remember back then, at school I felt especially alone, because all my friends were guys, but I couldn't live with them at summer camps and sh*t because... you know.

One time in elementary school I was told by one of the boys that though I was in a girl body, I had a boy soul inside of me -- I remember feeling so proud and so happy, these words stuck with me for years. Also, whenever I get mistaken for a man, I get really exited for some reason too, but is that enough?

I'm scared that I'm lying, I can't trust my thoughts and I would never want to insert myself in a group I don't belong in. I'm afraid I'll be even more miserable than before and that there isn't a point to any of this.

I have no one to go to and talk about it, certainly not my parents and therapy is kind of a last resort.

The notion of my country being very much transphobic/homophobic in a "I can be killed for this and people will cheer" kind of way doesn't exactly help.

But the thought that hurts me more than anything is the fact that a real trans person wouldn't have any doubts, but I do... I'm a girl, aren't I? I've hated it, sure, but I feel as though these feelings aren't valid, because I haven't had any clear signs of body dysphoria and... I would've know sooner right?

I'm only seventeen. What if I'm too late? What if I'm too young?

I say this: "I'm a girl and nothing can ever change that" and this thought is so bitter I could almost cry. I hate the fact of just how different my life would be if I was born a boy, because that just shows how utopic my ideas of equality really are.

I would've been a completely different person with a completely different life, but I don't know whether I would've been happy.

I've always felt alone and like I wasn't "right", I don't feel like a real person and for years I thought that maybe I can't ever be fixed, but how can I know if this is the right answer? That this isn't a false hope and I'm just grasping for straws?

I've always hated my body, my looks and everything about myself, but not for the reason of gender, and now when I'm not sure if I really am who I thought I was, I wonder -- Would I be able to be happy and like myself if I went "all the way"?

I'm already as much of a tomboy as I can possibly get and I've lately been thinking of maybe possibly getting a binder, but I'm still not 100 percent sure that will help. I've also thought of just waiting until I'm in my twenties "to be sure", but I can't tell if this will help of just prolong my suffering.

I guess, my question is: How can I be sure I'm not just confused/lying to myself, that this isn't a phase and that what I'm feeling is real?

And if these feelings are real and I shouldn't ignore them anymore... Where do I even begin?