Ftm living w/ unsupportive parents

Hi, everyone!

I've recently accepted that I am trams, ftm, though I've been questioning for nearly 2 years. I'm living with my parents, and they won't admit it but they're conservative and really unsupportive.

They've always told me that they were trying for a boy when they had me, but when I told my mom I was questioning she lectured me about hormones and it being a phase. But I've felt like this for a long time now, and I felt like this since I was a kid, I just never had the right words to express myself.

They always told me that I could tell them anything and they'd love me, but they're not showing it.

I'm out to one of my sisters in terms of sexuality and gender identity, and our to another sister about my sexuality. My other siblings don't know anything about it.

My deadname really bothers me, so I told everyone I prefer what had been my nickname (which was just a shortened version of my first name) and it helped for a while, but now I've realized I want to go by Eli and it's nothing like my name. So I can't tell them it's a nickname. My mom still calls me my birth name, not even my 'Nickname'. It feels like I'm just itching for somebody to call me by my right name but I feel like I can't ask anyone to.

I'm the only kid left living with my parents, so I hardly see the siblings that I'm out to.

I want to have my teachers change my name in their forms (I do online schooling) and call me eli, but I can't do that without my parents finding out.

I still have at least 2 years until I move out and go to college. I plan to go across the country and start seeing a counselor, but I feel like it gets harder everyday to live with them so I feel like 2 years is nearly impossible.

I can't get a binder, and I can't make any other transitions because my parents are also strict and would find out.

Is there any way to make this easier? Or do I just have to try and get through it. I've been saving my money from dogsitting and babysitting for any transitioning/college stuff so I can be independent better.

Thanks so much for even reading this! I hope everyone else is doing well :)