Genuine question (please help lol)
Tw: Sexual Trauma!!!!
To give context I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and I'm genderfluid. Specifically genderfae/genderflux. I also have sexual trauma, in which it's kinda repetitive.
Right now I feel like a cisgender woman, but when something that correlates to my trauma happens, I feel like I'm non-binary....why? Is that weird? Is that normal?
I don't think it's a thing I go through because of my bipolar disorder!
@taxinn
Unfortunately I can't give you answers, but I would like to offer up some questions that might be worth exploring. Ultimately even then it's only exploring possibilities.
First, you mention sexual trauma and a relationship to your sense of gender identity, do you feel if you had not been a cisgender woman that trauma would not have occurred?
If you feel that being a cisgender woman was a reason behind what happened to you, what sort of feelings do you think you might have about your gender?
Lastly, how might those feelings explain your experience with your gender identity when experiencing or recalling trauma?
It doesn't sound related to your bipolar disorder but only a professional can truly determine that. I do hope you will be able to find your own answers and understanding of yourself and how you identify. Identity can be complicated enough without other trauma mixed in.
Sorry I can't offer more. Please take care of yourself, and know we are here listening.
1. I'm not sure because that happened anyways even though I did identify as a non-binary gender.
2. I don't think I believe my gender was a cause, I think it was more of my mindset and how easily I could've been manipulated into believing that stuff was okay (I wanna say- the youngest I was, I was 6, the oldest 14 (the age I am now))
3. Basically from what I know, if I don't know what happened then I feel more feminine (otherworldly, cisgender female) but if I remember it, I feel more netural (a non-binary gender or just straight up non-binary). Though I doubt it's because I feel like it only happened because of my gender and only happened because I was taught at a young age to give people the benefit of the doubt. Plus, I was taught to always listen to adults, no matter what they told me to do.
I'm trying to get into therapy! I'm concerned about having a form of DID, I explained why I think that to my boyfriend and he thinks that aswell, he's freaking out because he's not sure what to do about that information (lmao). My sister-in-law has an idea of the human brain and mental disorders and how they work so I can also talk to her!
I've been creating these practices to keep my mind off of things, and they have been working!...kinda. I'm not sure if my trauma is the reason my gender is fluid or if it's because of an undiagnosed mental illness. Because that's the thing, both sides of my family have a long history of mental illnesses. So I could literally have anxiety and OCD and not even know it because when I go to get tested for it, I may come back saying I have PTSD or something 🙃
It's okay!! I'm not looking for a straight answer because I understand people are not 100% sure about anything. I'm just attempting to see if someone has a possible answer :]]]!
@taxinn
Sounds like you have a fairly informed perspective on yourself. I know some who identify as genderfluid will have certain things that will initiate a gender shift sometimes called "triggers", they may also shift at other times without any identifiable cause or trigger. Almost like those situations or emotions are associated with or activate that aspect of themselves for one reason or another.
I hope you will be able to get into therapy and get support and information. I know I tend to steer clear of any and all self-diagnosis simply because I find it can be a way to cause more problems for myself rather than resolving things.
Hopefully others will have thoughts to share as well.
Take care!
