Heavily questioning my gender identity
Hi!
This is likely going to be a bit long (sorry in advance), Tldr; possibly ftm, but I'm struggling with (self) acceptance.
I've always been referred to as a "tom-boy", since I was a kid, but gender never really mattered to me until about a year or two ago. I realized I was bi about 2 years ago, and I accepted it quickly, I never told anyone but my friend, my sister, and this community of 7cups.
I was completely okay with my sexuality, I think possibly because it was easier to hide?
My parents won't admit that they don't support, but they're conservative, and really unsupportive. I tried to tell my mom about my sexuality about a year ago to get them to stop making comments/'jokes' about the community, and she said it was a phase, and then blamed my being on my phone. Then she noticed my mental health and blamed it on my phone and 'thinking I was part of the community'.
I still accepted myself, I just decided to hide it from my parents to keep myself safe. But then I started questioning my gender identity. Luckily she's never cared about what part of the store we get our clothes in, so I've been able to buy more of the clothes that I like.
I feel confident and accepting of Being ftm, as it feels right, and I like being called "boy" "guy" and other traditionally "male" terms, and dislike being referred to as "pretty" "girly" and other terms that are very stereotypically assigned to young girls.. but when I'm around my parents, I start to doubt myself. Like I know that pushing my identity down won't make it go away, but like it would just be easier if I could.
I love the idea of being able to call my parents for help with things in the future when I'm living alone at first, and I'm afraid they would be unsupportive and possibly unclaim me if I admit it to them.
I know its silly to doubt my identity when I cringe when I'm referred to as "she/her", but sometimes I just feel like maybe I'm faking it? I don't know who I would be faking it for because I hide it, but it makes me feel like a fraud.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for, but if anyone else struggles with the same thing, I guess it would at least be comforting to know I'm not the only one who struggles with it?
(If possible could you refer to me with he/him or they/them pronouns? thanks :) )
(I'm also considering names? So if you have a name suggestion that you don't mind me trying, I'd really really appreciate it!! :)
Thank you so much for reading all of that if you did!
:)
@peachblue147
I can't offer much in terms of advice, but I know exactly how you feel. Even if you're hiding it from people, you can still feel like you're faking it, and that's 100% normal and okay.
Your parents may not accept you, but if they don't, it just gives you an opportunity to find more supportive people for your life. It doesn't mean you don't love them or care for them, or them you, but it can be a very difficult situation.
You can choose your friends, and you can even choose your family (not biologically, but in terms of having supportive people around). Remember that you are not alone. I'm always here for you, and so is the community at 7 Cups, I'm sure.
Thank you for replying!
You're reply really helped me to realize that even if they don't accept me, I'd still be happier being myself and I can find a community and family who does accept me!
I've realized (though I am keeping an open mind to the fact that it can change) that I like he/him pronouns!
Thank you so much for your kind words!!
:)
Of course! I'm very glad to hear that I've helped you in some way, and I wish you all the best on your journey. Good luck :).
hello! it sounds like your having a hard time accepting yourself, and i'm sorry your parents are unsupportive. i am ftm myself so i can relate to a lot you said, like feeling like you are faking and wanting to push down your identity. i know it can be tough, and i'm here for you.
and for trying out pronouns-
@peachblue147 is so cool, according to his bio he likes art and writing and watching movies, i wonder what his favorite movie is?
@peachblue147 is so cool, according to their bio they like art and writing and watching movies, i wonder what their favorite movie is?
and for names, nameberry is a good website and helped me when i was figuring out my name.
hope that helps!
It's really nice to hear that there is someone who has felt the same way (though I'm sorry you've had to go through it). It's really nice that you said you're here for me, I really appreciate that!
Thanks for practicing the pronouns!! It really helped me and I think I prefer he/him!!
I used nameberry, like you said, and it was super helpful!
I think I've chosen Eli!
Thank you!!
Thank you to everyone who replied to this thread! ❤
The replies really do/did help!
Since this I've become more comfortable and stable in the fact that I'm pretty sure that I'm ftm. I think I was mostly scared how my parents will react, and was having trouble admitting it to myself.
I think I've accepted it myself now. I really like he/him pronouns, and I think I've likely chosen "Eli" as my name!
I know that gender can change, and so can your preferred name, but I've been using those pronouns and name for myself when I was alone, and it's felt nice!
My sister is visiting and spending the day with me tomorrow, and we've spoken about the community and I've posed hypothetical situations about my gender identity and she's always been super supportive of it all. I almost came out earlier, as we were already talking about gender, and she seemed excited at the possibility. But I didn't. I'm really thinking I might come out to her tomorrow as I think she'd be really kind and accepting about it.
Thanks for reading my update! :)
I came out to her!
She was really accepting! My family isn't an over emotional family, and they're not very "talk/communicate through things" family, so they're weren't any questions, but she was very accepting and ensured me that when my parents aren't around or when I visit her she'll do her best to use my pronouns! I also let her know about my sexuality and she was alright with that too!
Thanks for your help and letting me say all of this!