I think I might be trans and really hate my manly bits.

tldr: I hate my penis. I am married with kid. Want to have bottom surgery and some non-surgical modifications (shaving, growing out hair, etc.) but do not want top surgery. More or less new and confused and just need ally’s and community. 😔

Hello, I am a 30 year old AMAB (new to the terminology hope I got it right. I have bio male parts) I have since I was a child liked to try on womens clothing and girls undergarments. I even remember tucking at a young age and trying on a girls swimsuit. I loved it. Then my parents chose that I do all the manly things.

I was an Eagle Scout, I was a soldier and tried to do all the manly things up until I was 22. I had DEEPLY repressed anything non Cis. Gendered since I was working under Don’t ask don’t tell (circa 2009).

I then had a sexual experience with a gay man and it was meant as a random hookup on Craigslist. It went well and I loved being dominated and feeling more like ai was in a female sexual role. If that makes sense.

So I determined that well I am a conservative man. What does this mean. Well maybe I am Bisexual. Figuring that was the answer ai just stuck with that answer for like 13 years. All while wishing I could be the woman or typically female roles of my cis female friends.

Now I am just figuring things out but I have come two conclusions that terrify me. First, I often have (and have had) thoughts about my penis not existing anymore. In the past it was weird kinda like what if I get in an accident and lose my penis!?!?(messed up accident) would a doctor give me a vagina?

I am struggling with these thoughts because I am married and have a beautiful daughter. I will credit my wife by eating that she never judged me for being Bi. I worry that she might be disturbed by my attempts to engage in gender affirming acts. I started shaving my thighs, pits, and groin. It makes me feel great. I have been tucking and got some cute pink womens yoga pants to wear around the house when I have my day off and everyone else is working or at daycare.

I am going to do things that feel gender affirming and to mark the realization I cut my hat down to a buzz cut and don’t plan on cutting it again for a long time. I have started to change my facial hair in prep to shave it all off. But now I have hit a sad reality wall.

I love feeling more feminine and want to transition physically.

I hate my penis and want it gone but I also love my family and would rather live and die a closeted life than lose any access or relationship with my partner or baby.

but I have other struggles I am thinking about. Even if I talk to my partner (cis female) and she is ok with me being my true self I don’t necessarily want any surgical body modification other than a bottom surgery. I just want the right parts for my reproductive organs. I still enjoy most of my public life and want to present as more masculine.

I am sorry I am now just blabbing and don’t know what to think.

anyone with wisdom or thoughts?