Transitioning FTM

For a little over 4 years now I have been transitioning FTM. I've had top surgery, body masculinization surgery, Hysterectomy/Oopherectomy, and have been on Testosterone Injections throughout this process until October 2021 that's when I felt that things mentally hit the fan and I discovered that my mental state was in massive shock and lost who I was anymore. I grew up in a very religious home and was very sheltered and have had relationships that have been very abusive mentally, physically, and emotionally by the type of females I've been with and I just hit rock bottom of feeling I was cursed for the life I was living as a trans man and that I would die and go to hell for it. Being a Christian is very important to me but I always feel I am not welcome because of who I am as a FTM person. I stopped Testosterone in October due to my mental health and considered detransitioning. A few friends and family I told about it and my family seemed relieved but within myself I still felt off kilter about it all. I felt peace from God but I didn't feel I was myself by doing so. I continued only to get worse and couldn't keep a job nor felt I could be alone or get out and do things on a daily basis. I'm scared to go back on hormones even though I've recently for the past 2 weeks bought Testosterone booster over the counter at Walmart to see how my body would feel, which has helped a lot due to not having any hormones in my body at all. I just want to feel normal again and to be on my own bc my family even though I love them, they are not good for me and hinder me in a lot of ways mentally. 💔