transmasc struggles?

to get this started rlly i had no clue i was transmasc(not sure if im nonbinary masc leaning or a boy) till just a few days ago. I had got myself into a situation where I was referred to as boy-related terms of endearment and I started sobbing instantly. I have a LOT of internalized transphobia and I have no clue how to handle if. My parents are probably as transphobic as you can get without going out and committing crimes against people under the transgender umbrella. They use harmful slurs, say they're "scary" and "disgusting" and more often than not "child preds". I've come to realize that even if I disagree fully with them it greatly influenced how i felt about myself.

My main issue is I like my body but I don't and it's something so confusing but I'll try to explain?

I spent a very long time hating my body and how it looked. ever since i was nine, but as i got older(10 is when puberty hit) the insecurities shifted. I never had the courage to tell anyone but I was mainly insecure about the parts of my body that made me female? but eventually I told myself I had to deal w my feelings and I learned to love myself

up until I finally found this out about myself. now i'm so lsot. I see someone gorgeous in the mirror but it doesn't feel like it's me looking back. she looks like she belongs to someone else, and I belong to some other body. whether i think this body is pretty or not, i cant get that feeling out of my system that just feels like what i'm seeing is wrong. This, I think, is where my negative influence is hurting me the most. I love femininity like wearing nailpolish, having longer hair(even though I'd love to cut if), and wearing short shorts and i feel like this mixed with the fact that I WAS confident in my body unjustifies the idea that I'm transmasc. the thing is, i dont see myself as a girl or leaning toward femininity... i WANT to be a boy. I want to be seen as masculine and called a man. but i want to be able to be pretty in a way only boys can.

along with the idea that I think i *cant* be transmasc because i like the idea of feeling pretty still, i feel like i'm so unworthy of love because of it. i cant get this idea out of my head that says "i should not expect people to see me as a man if i dont look like a man"

how can i be in a relationship and be called boyfriend when everyone is going to expect me to be a girlfriend?

and i'm so terrified that because i'm not sure I want to get any other surgery than MAYBE top surgery that i'll be used?

it's all such a scary experience and it's so much to take in afyer it being suppressed for all these years. I cant even bring myself to properly come out to people who I know would love me anyway because i'm so so terrified. i just want to be loved honestly... that's all i really want in life

and this makes me feel like i'll never be able to have it? even if i know there are amazing people out there...

does anyone have any like tips on how to deal with these feelings? i'm so so confused. I know i want to be a boy and I FEEL like a boy but everytime i look at myself i see *girl* and I cant get over it. all my clothes started fitting differently and now I hate the way my chest looks, yet it doesn't cause me such terrible emotional distress that i'm trying to bind asap? im so lost and without proper support from my parents i feel like i always will be until I have the ability to move