My story

This is coming genuinely and authentically as possible.

in 2017, I cut my hair short for the first time. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I had the traditional FTM first haircut. After that awkward stage of hair, I grew quite confident in who I was. I presented fully male, binded, had my first girlfriend, you name it. The only problem is that no one respected my pronouns as he/him. When I’d remind family/friends, they’d misgender me. Except for one of my friends named Katie, who I don’t speak to anymore. I never changed my name either as I have quite a gender neutral name which I was thankful for. I also felt better about my sexuality, knowing I could date women without being seen also as a woman. I passed quite well and I felt so at peace with who I was. until I didn’t.

and no, it’s not detransitioning. I don’t know what it is actually. Until 2022 is where things just changed. I grew out my hair. And I wore makeup to my prom. I didn’t know who I was. I still don’t, really. I have really intense dysphoria like I did back then on most days and then on some days I don’t. Like one day I want a muscular figure and be tall and have no breasts and be a man like I felt in 2017. Now I present fully female, identity now as a closeted lesbian to my family. It felt like a burden either way. No matter who I was, the fact that I can’t be myself will always be better than who I am to my family. I miss him. Who I was. Who was carefree about everything. He’s still me and I don’t know what to do about it. I love my family so I don’t want to cut them off because they aren’t bad people.

I miss the boy I was.