Homophobic Brother
Identifying as bisexual was actually quite easy for me when coming out to the women in my life, but when it came to my little brother, things went down hill. His views on this community I am now part of have been homophobic in the least. Obviously, he is young and has time to form different opinions but as of now, I don't see much changing. I only really realised I liked women as well as men last year, coming to terms with my sexuality was a massive stepping stone toward the kind of life I want to be happy with. My family is important to me, so I sort of want to please both ends of the situation. I do not condone homophobic behaviour, but I also love him. I guess my question to anyone willing to conversate is... How do I go about this conflicting situation? Do I continue being the bigger person or do I stand up for myself while risking my relationship with my brother? (Background: I am 20, he is 17 - we were raised to love everyone the same by mum, dad on the other hand doesn't accept being gay etc.)
My dear fellow bisexual if you allow me to call you that... I myself am struggling with the same situation and I'm fighting the battle of being the bigger person or standing up for myself maybe on a daily basis.. what I have accepted is that this will continue being one of my battles since we don't choose our family... What i have learned is to pick my battles wisely. And yes unfortunately it's tiring sometimes, but you need to keep in mind that we can only speak for ourselves and what they do with it is up to them. I hope by knowing which battles to stand my ground for, it will by time somehow change their minds? Maybe I say that to comfort myself because what the hell do I know but what I take from that is that we need a comforting perspective to stay strong... I dont know what else to tell you just keep your head up you are not alone! Bless your heart ❤️
@LinaGonzales I hope that both of your families eventually come around and accpet you for who you are with you trying to change you or make you feel less worthy of love and respect than straight people. I have found that part of being a good person, and a good role model, is setting clear and healthy boundaries with others. To do that, you will have to really think about what what is acceptable behavior from others, and how you will treat yourself with respect. If a family member tries to degrade you or persuade you to change/lie about who you are, it is best to articulate why that is not something that you will tolerate. The hardest part about this is being able to communicate these boundaries effectively, withoutt reacting out of hurt, or trying to justify yourself. I think it's most effective to calmly and firmly look the person in the eye and say something along the lines of "My worth and humanity are not up for debate. If you cannot treat me with kindness and respect, I won't subject myself to being hurt by spending time with you. When you are ready to accept me for who I am, I will be glad to have a relationship with you."
That can be really difficult, especially where there is a families dyanmic that tries to ignore problems or downplay the harm caused by bigots in an effort to "keep the peace". But what that does is makes the bigot feel peaceful while saddling the pain they cause squarely on the person they target.
We can't always make people fully change how they feel about us, but we can demand that they refrain from being cruel or harmful. I sincerely hope your brother (and Lina's relative) finds a way to work through his homophobia. It took my parents over ten years to be able to work through their southern baptist upbring and homophobia, but now they are some of my best friends, and I cann finally be totally myself with them. Sending caring to you both.
(Sorry for the confusing typos - I am reposting with corrections below.)
@LinaGonzales
I hope that the people in both of your families eventually come around, and accpet you for who you are - without trying to change you or make you feel less worthy of love and respect than straight people. I have found that part of being the bigger person, and being a good role model, is setting clear and healthy boundaries with others. In order to do that, you will have to really meditate on what is acceptable behavior from others, and how to treat yourself with respect. If a family member tries to degrade you or persuade you to change/lie about who you are, it is best to articulate why that is not something that you will tolerate. The hardest part is communicating your boundaries effectively, without reacting out of hurt or trying to justify demanding basic respect. I think it's most effective to calmly and firmly look the person in the eye and say something along the lines of: "My worth and humanity are not up for debate. If you cannot treat me with kindness and respect, I won't subject myself to being hurt by spending time with you. When you are ready to accept me for who I am, I will be glad to have a relationship with you."
That can be really difficult, especially where there is a family dyanmic that tries to ignore problems or downplay the harm caused by bigots in an effort to "keep the peace". But downplaying harm only makes the bigot feel peaceful, while saddling the pain they cause squarely on the shoulders of the person they target.
We can't always make people fully change how they feel about us, but we can demand that they refrain from being cruel or harmful. I sincerely hope your brother (and Lina's relative) finds a way to work through his homophobia. It took my parents over ten years to be able to work through their Southern Baptist upbring and homophobia. Now my parents are some of my best friends, and I can finally be totally myself with them. Sending caring to you both.
Your message caught me off guard! Thanks so so much for the time and effort you put in writing that down for us.. people like you make the burden a tiny bit easier to carry and THAT SENTENCE!! So powerful that I screenshotted it and will memorize it! Thanks so much again Novara ❤️ I'm glad to read your connection with your family is good now and I wish you and your family all the happiness in the world ❤️
At the end of the day you should stand up for yourself but at the same time if your brother ever wants to talk about the situation it’s okay.. sometimes when people seem they can’t accept things, it’s not that they won’t it’s just that they are having a hard time. Another thing is that you are technically an adult right? So sometimes it’s okay to be a little selfish and focus on yourself because no one is going help you really really grow but you. I hope this helped a little.