I really need some help and some insight. I am at a loss.
Hello cups. I am a newbie here. I am glad to have found this community so far; everyone has been great. I am so glad to see a group here for LGBTQ+
ok, so, here goes. ((Warning, long post))
My sexuality? I hate it. Let me explain.
My whole life, as far back as I can remember, I have been attracted to both men and women. Nothing wrong there, right? I can 100% accept and embrace that and have tried to.
My problem is that the two do not coexist at the same time. When I am not depressed I usually have a pretty high drive. But that’s not the problem.
I am married; we met young. I love my partner with all my heart, though we have been through many, many obstacles together we have supported and loved each other through it.
We went through a separation when I was not well mentally and dealing with a lot of toxic things including a very toxic friendship in which I fell for a straight girl (my lifelong best friend.) she is no longer in my life.
My partner and I reconciled- an openness and forgiveness that I don’t think I have ever or likely will ever see in another person and often feel very guilty. They love me very much, though they themselves are not perfect and now, to be frank, I am supporting them through their own dark times which is causing me a lot of stress.
This all is just background and though important is kind of beside the point though because what’s really wrong is I just don’t understand. Vacillating between being really only attracted to men for a period, then only women, then back, and back again, makes my life a nightmare. Honestly I wish I could cut out either part of myself fully, just for some peace and so I could feel self assured.
Between dealing with this and my CPTSD, OCD, Bipolar, and many physical ailments including worrying about my eyesight, I think all of this stress is quite literally taking me out. I am not in crisis and will not self harm but I am just… tired.
@memyselfandmoth
I understand that you're going through a really tough time with your sexuality, and I'm sorry to hear that. It's normal to feel confused and uncertain about these things, especially when you're dealing with so much stress and mental health issues. I think it's great that you're trying to accept and embrace your attraction to both men and women. It's not always easy to do, but it's an important step towards self-acceptance and self-love.
Take things at your own pace and not put too much pressure on yourself to have everything figured out.
And please take care of yourself. It's okay to take breaks when you need them, prioritize your mental and physical health, and ask for help when you need it. You're not alone, and there are people here who care about you and want to support you.
Thank you very much. I appreciate that. I think the patience thing is big and I haven’t really been thinking of that. I’m approaching kind of a ‘milestone’ birthday whatever that’s supposed to mean and I think I’m kind of internalizing that in kind of a defeatist way.
@memyselfandmoth
You're welcome, friend. I'm glad to be here for you.
Patience is definitely a big thing when it comes to dealing with these kinds of issues. It's not always easy, but take things slow and allow yourself the time and space to figure things out.
It's totally understandable to feel anxious or uncertain as you approach a milestone birthday. But try not to let that get you down too much. Well they say age is just a number, and you still have so much life ahead of you to explore and discover new things about yourself.
Everyone's journey is different, and there's no set timeline for figuring everything out. You're doing the best you can, and that's all anyone can ask for. Just keep taking things one day at a time, and know that there are people here who support you and believe in you.
@1NomNom thank you ❤️❤️❤️