Your Partner’s Friends - Do They Matter?
Hey guys!
Lately I’ve really been struggling with some of the relationship dynamics that my wife brings to the table. So, I thought I would ask the general public and see what you all think.
Do you think it’s important for your partner’s friends to make an honest effort to build a relationship with you - or do you keep those relationships separate? Likewise, do you expect your friends to do the same for your partner?
There are few things in life I have more disdain for than a disingenuous person. How do we let go of things that hurt us over and over again? What do you do when loyalty lies elsewhere and your priorities are vastly different?
I keep alternating between acceptance and grief.
Thanks in advance.
@blitheSun94
I feel this is a really good question and one that I can personally relate towards. Most of my peers/friends are married now, as we're all in that age range. To use two of those friends as an example, one has a partner who's very very nice, but pretty reserved. I sincerely doubt that I will ever get to know her; they've been married for I wanna say almost 3 years, and I know the same amount about her now as I did when she was and my friend were dating, and then later, married.
On the other hand, and with another friend, I have pretty much become good to best friends with his wife. And in some aspects, am probably better friends with his wife than I am with him. Total irony.
So yeah, I get the bit on disengenuous people. I've found as I've gotten older, that it's easier for me to let go, or at least de-prioritize the people who don't really make time for me, vis a vis the people who actually do.
So I'm in my first relationship with a female and it has been the most good and bad, emotional learning process I have ever been through. I don't know if me talking about this helps in anyway but your post stuck out to me and those are questions I have wonder myself.
---I think it is very important that my partners friends make an effort to build a relationship with me... id expect the same with my friends to do for her. In my eyes...I want my friends and partner to feel comfortable around each other. BUT...I didn't think being in a relationship with a female had is baggage too. I'm not my gf first gf but she is my first... some of her friends (which I found out through lies) are her exes. I've never wanted not thought about staying friends with my exes but I'm a very understanding person when I'm not lied too. I feel if she didn't lie about them and she wasn't so flirtatious with them or at least was considerate about boundaries with them I'd be more open to a friendship; however, she's told me she's cut ties with them but she's lost my trust and I know when she's lying. I don't want to be that person who takes away someone's happiness that other ppl give them that I cannot. I have learned it's my choice if I want to stay and continue to learn from the relationship and work on parts of myself to make me stronger especially in my mind or walk away and try again with someone who has a similar thought process and boundaries.
--- My gf has hurt me more then I can count and as many times as I have left..I find myself coming back. I know in I'm my heart I don't belong with her but I don't know how to walk away and be okay with it. It's almost like I have to get to a point where I don't care for her anymore. But honestly to answer the question about letting go after being hurt... You don't really let go bcuz something or anything will trigger those emotions. You really have to sit in those emotions and process it and understand them in a way that you can force yourself to be stronger in your mind and to not let your emotions control you. Well at least I do.... I've learned a lot but I also have to remind myself that I have set boundaries for a reason and I don't have to let my boundaries down just to make her comfortable. I too deserve respect and loyalty when it comes to my heart and mind.
--- Can you explain to me the last question... like an example? I feel like I understand the question but I don't know how to connect my thoughts with it.
@somewhereiam142
Thank you Somewhere. I think you really hit the nail on the head here and I feel better reading your words. They offer validation and remind me that I'm not crazy. I too am of the mind that one should not remain friends with their ex's, lying is a most serious offense, and loyalty is very important to me.
@sereneSunset26
Thank you, Serene. I appreciate your reply and relate to what you said about sometimes growing closer to your friend's partner than your own friends! That is the best outcome imaginable.
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Since writing this post I have come to grips with a lot of things including my boundaries.
I understand now that my devastation was rooted in feeling betrayed in an extremely vulnerable moment. I didn't feel like my partner chose me or had my back in that moment and things really haven't been the same since. Her behavior regressed and the stress triggered mental health symptoms that I haven't had in years.
For the first time I am facing my values and figuring out how to navigate relationship dynamics that do not reflect what I believe in. It is so hard but healthy adult relationships are about compromise.
My fear is that the damage is done and that old feeling I once had will never return. I am reminded over and over again of the deceit and resent the fact that I would never treat someone that way, much less my spouse, making it even more difficult for me to accept, forgive, and let go. I can't rebuild if the other person doesn't offer acknowledgement or take accountability their actions.
I think my upset had less to do with "friends" and more to do with my partner. Her friend was the catalyst but my partner's reaction and the way she managed the situation is what genuinely shocked and hurt me the most. Even after asking for what I needed, I felt her apology was smug and insincere. It seems as if she genuinely can't see how she has hurt me, or worse, she doesn't care. In the past this would have been an instant and obvious deal breaker for me. I have never faced feeling deprioritized before and it's been difficult.
The more I thought, the more I realized it just depends how one prioritizes their relationships. It never even occurred to me that this list may be different for different people. I just assumed most people think the way I do - and that was my mistake.
Now I know exactly where I stand and have no further expectation. I am not at the top of her list, or even second or third.
On the one hand it's devastating and on the other it is what it is, and I can't change it.
I am not sure that I will ever be able to reconcile this.
Please let me know your thoughts.
Thank you for your continued support.
-Blithe
