gender questioning and push and pull.

I am questioning my gender and I am in the closet to most people i am in my 40s and because of money and throughout my life, I have fallen through the cracks growing up i am with some unsurprising family members untell I can afford to move out.  I figured out in the last year or 2 I am bi and now on to my gender i grew up until recently believing I was cisgender. yes i  my points are growing that i was more gnc and all . the thing is there was enough of me that clicked with being male that I could get by but not thrive as one but I did not know much about other options related to gender so i just when with male because it felt close enough.  But now i know more and that there is a part of me that likes to be seen and treated like a female and in recent months there has been this push and push inside me going on. also, i have to deal with the pain of me not feeling like i fit in with other guys and now i realize is that i feel like a fraud sometimes.   not to mention sometimes i think my life would have been easier if i was born a irl at least for me. i could be more of my true self with less pushback from the world. I know that gender can be on a spectrum and all and there are femine males  but good luck making this work. also it is not just somtmes gender expression its some of the things other females get to experience I really enjoy I will never get to experience as long as the world sees me as a male and not a female that part of me wants to be.