Been looking for a safe place.
Hi, uhm.. I don’t know how to start.. okay.. I’m still hurting till now from my past relationship or I don’t know if it was really a relationship. I met her 3 years ago at our common friend’s birthday. Later on we became friends and closer. One day she wanted to borrow my guitar so I went to her place for the first time. Then, when I was about to go home she told me to stay, like I should sleep over. So, I agreed. I told her I can just sleep in the sofa but she insisted to sleep beside her. I was feeling nervous that time, I don’t know why. So we did lie in her bed together. I was feeling awkward, shy, etc maybe because I felt something that I cannot understand. Few minutes passed and she asked me, why am I facing against her, she wanted me to turn around. And I was like, okay.. and then she told me, I can hear your heartbeat so loud, are you okay? With her face so close to me. I almost can’t breathe, but I told her I’m good. And then she kissed me! That’s how it started. We’ve been together more than a year with ups and downs of course. Honestly, I wasn’t really gonna to continue our thing as I’m scared to get hurt. But yeah, I got attached to her and fell in love with her. I remember her telling me not to fall in love with her, and I didn’t paid attention to that. During our time I’m noticing that I became pushy(btw nobody knows that we’re together) like, I tend to show some sweet affection in front of people and she hates it. So, I apologize all the time. Then I became very careful to her almost like tipping toes, like if she gets angry I have to make sure to make it go away as that’s how she wants me to do. If she wanted something even tho it’s beyond me, I would do it just to make her happy and also to make her stay. Time came that we had to be apart cause she’s going to work to another country and so am I. I was really really sad that time, crying.. but she kept on telling me that we’re gonna be fine, we can video call all the time, and that I will never ever loose her. I just have to trust her and remember that she loves me. Few months later, we had a fight, can’t remember what was it about which ended up, her telling me that she’s done! She couldn’t do it anymore. Idk, I think I just cried and cried.. asking forgiveness, asking her not to give up on us. After days of not contacting me even tho I was doing almost everything to talk to her which never worked, she sent me an email; “Hi, I’m gonna be honest with you, you’re not really hard to love but it’s just that I couldn’t love you the way you love me. I hope you’ll forgive me.” Sorry for this long post, it’s just that I wanted you (whoever notices this) to understand what I’m dealing with. It’s been three years now that I’ve been struggling how to get over it and forget her. I have no one to talk to about this, so hopefully you can help me feel lighter. Thank you.
❗️❗️Sorry, it’s almost two years now that I’m still struggling with it.❗️❗️
Hello @fame92, I'm really sorry things didn't work out for you guys. From what I've read, you are a loving person and did the best you could to show her affection and attention. A woman's mind can be a strange place sometimes. Try to put yourself on her shoes for a while, in a last attemp to figure out what might be wrong with her at the time you broke out. Perhaps it had nothing to do with you - think, for instance, she was having some sort of problems. Where you there for her or did she sensed you were available to make any sacrifice for her? Why did she went abroad? Was it money? Money can be a huge issue, trust me. Maybe she had/have things in her life she preferred to hide out of shame, or something else. Maybe she felt alone, helpless, and was affraid to call you for help... or not. These are just mere assumptions. Been there, I know. I estranged myself from a lot of people so I could mantain my own troubles to myself (affraid of being let down and hurt), even boyfriends. Also, ghosted from a lot of people on social media. Isolating from people (certain people who knew me before something that had changed in my life) was my safe place back then. I'm telling you this so you won't feel that's your fault things didn't work out. You can try to contact her. Hey, you have nothing to lose, right? Anyway, I'm sure you will find happiness one way or another. I'll keep you in my thoughts. Wish you well.
Hello, thanks for your words truly appreciate it. Yeah, I did try my best to understand her most of the time. There were times that I couldn’t get her anymore like I wanted to give up already but then thoughts come to my mind that she needed me. She always tells me, “What would I do without you?” I always had her back. Many times I feel hurt because of how she handled us when we are arguing. I have to be the one to lower my self most of the time, and if I’ll attempt to stop, then she would finally talk to me but still angry at me and I had to do everything to finally make us okay. I think my fault was that, how too much I valued, prioritized and loved her. And the thing is, why’d she lied to me? Like, if she never could’ve love me the way I love her, why wait for such a long time? Why didn’t she tell me when we can still talk face to face? We’re both abroad, we met in Denmark. She’s now in Norway. I mean, I don’t know.. sometimes I feel like I should’ve followed my instincts. I saw red flags already during our first few months but I didn’t stop as I was thinking stupidly that maybe she could change.