Married and confused
Im a 37 yo woman married to a man with whom I share 2 children. I have a history of attraction to women from about the age of 13, one romantic interest that ended when we were on a date and a family memeber saw us and I got too scared to continue. Soon after I met my husband and we got married. I never defined my sexuality- I didnt feel a reason to, I was married.
Many years later and Im in therapy and finding I dont know who I am- and Ive numbed myself out for much of my life. A path of trying to find my likes and dislikes takes me back to this- and what I am finding is making me very confused and scared. Im trying to tell myself this isnt real, Im making this up, Im sabotaging- but I dont know that is true. I am really struggling and wonder if there is any wisdom out there. How can I know?
I am in a similar situation and I keep questioning if I am just making it up and what kind of person am I, that I would do this to my husband and children and how on earth didn't I realise earlier on in my life. I feel so messed up and guilty all the time. Its so consuming trying to figure it out. I feel for you xx
@dynamicSpring7746
@SomeBlueSkies
thank you so much for that. It really does feel like you are in a similar place.
I feel like I always knew this about myself I just shelfed it. Like it wasnt an option so I pushed it back. I also feel like now I am seeing the world accept themselves and I want to accept myself too.
I never wanted a conventional life. Somehow I ended up in one. to give up my family to live the way I want feels like the most selfish thing I could ever possibly do. What if this is just a little rebellion? A phase? But its always been there so how could that be true?? I dont know if I am gay, I dont know if I am just bi or pan or poly- I dont even know if it matters. My husband and I were loosely talking about open marriages and he said what if you find something you like more and you leave to do it with them. And I thought oh god..... I actually think I might like a woman more and what if I want to leave and be with them. I never considered I might choose women over men if I actually tried it but now.... I dont know. Its possible I would and that is freaking me out!
I dont know another way to find out if thats true other than to try it and I am not an unfaithful person. There seems to be no good options here. I want to stuff it back where it came from but I have also seen how not loving and accepting myself comes out in really ugly ways either toward myself or others and thats not going to work as much as I want it too.
@dynamicSpring7746
Thanks for what you wrote, I feel very similar to how you described. I also told one of my friends last week that I wasn't meant for a conventional life either! But here I am and like you said, it feels so selfish to think that I will have to break up my family so that I can be who I really am.
I also felt it from when I was younger like 11 but stupid as it sounds I thought I would grow out of it. And for some of the time I've been married it hasn't been a problem but like everything you push down somehow it seems to come back. And now I feel like I am a mess because I made a commitment to my marriage and I hate breaking my word and not being loyal but this is eating me up. I feel like a rebellious teenager who should have figured this out a long time ago, as now it will impact many more people than just me.
I haven't put a label on it either because I don't think it's necessary. And yeah I agree, there are no good outcomes. I wish I knew what was the best thing to do in this situation but I feel that not being true to who I am is hurting me mentally but accepting who I am will mess up 5 peoples lives :(
But I'm glad to have found you on this thread and it helps to know that I am not the only person going through this.
@SomeBlueSkies
Im so glad there is someone out here who relates.
have you told anyone specifically? I talked to my best friend about it. Weve been friends since we were kids and she told me how she saw me when I was younger as at that time I was more open with friends about not really sexually identifying and being atttracted to girls. At this point it feels so strange, like Im making things up it has been helpful to have a person to validate those things since it was 20 years ago.
I wish I had any idea what to do now......
@SomeBlueSkies
I told my husband last year that I am bisexual, and he knew I had been with women in the past but he still seemed surprised, maybe because we live in a really conservative circle. And I've told my therapist and some people on here. I haven't really told my close friends as I don't know what they would think and if they will be accepting.
I'm not that open with most people so its not really something that I would just come out and say. I don't know.
I know how you are feeling. My whole life i have struggled with gender issues. I was born a boy but never felt fully male. I explored this as a child but as i grew up i hid from it and got married as well. Ten years into marriage i told my wife. It has been a struggle for us both dealing with my feelings of wanting to be female and on top of that my attraction to men. Once i let my wife know i found my love for her stayed the same if not stronger. We have now been together 20 plus years. Honesty with your partner is key. You have to hope he will understand you and support what you are feeling. It will not come easy but good things in life never do. Best of luck.
Casey H
Well I dont know what to think but Ive kind of decided to shelf my sexuality as thing I have to deal with and turn the focus back to me. I am addressing some bigger issues in my life than who I am choosing to be in a relationship with although its that process that has me asking just who is it I want to be with? Im hoping the work I choose to focus on instead brings me the confidence and self love I need to know who I am and then to live it proudly. I hope thats a real thing and that I get there. Thanks for the support- I feel like I may need it again at some point.....
@dynamicSpring7746
ps- I dont mean to undermine anyone who is currently going through the struggle of realizing their sexual identity- only to say that for me I have other priorities at the moment that need attention and I cant focus on this one.
This has been one of the harder questions Ive faced in my life. My heart goes out to anyone who is currently or who has gone through it. I have never known such bravery and courage in my life. I am so proud of everyone here.
@dynamicSpring7746
I hope you figure out what you need to and find some peace in your life xx