Scared and Stuck
Hi friends, I’m new to all this so apologies for the straight forward ness. I’ve been really struggling with myself as I’m a 31 year old female married to a 30 year old male for 3 years. It’s to the point where we barely have sex and when I feel like he’s going to want to have sex, I’m dreading it and fantasize about women. I’ve been with one woman before and loved her but was completely heart broken and just never gave it another try after high school but I find myself mostly masturbating now and to lesbian porn. I feel so disconnected from my husband and like I’m living a lie but I’m so scared as we bought a house over a year ago and just bought a new car and am so scared of the debt and where I’ll live and what will happen. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I just feel so lonely and like I can’t talk to anyone and my mind just screams out something is wrong but I think I keep lying to myself or tell myself it’ll pass but it’s not and I’m scared
Have you talked to your husband at all about your attraction to women? Maybe start out by making “jokes” about a hot girl you see or about dating women and see how his reaction is. Have you considered bringing another woman into the bedroom and would he be okay with that as well? It’s okay to be questioning your sexuality, as it’s a sliding scale that changes throughout our lives. I do believe the best course would be to talk to someone you trust about your attraction to women whether that be a therapist, good friend, or your husband. The first step is to look inside and accept yourself as you are before you can expect that others will as well. communication is key and if through talking you both find that it’s not going to work then at least you were honest with yourself and you didn’t waste more time being unhappy and longing for something/someone else. This is just my opinion though, I’m a pansexual woman, married to another woman for three years, dated men and women in my past. I’m here if you’ve got any questions as well.
Thank you for your well thought out response. It’s kinda funny but it’s actually a joke around the group about how “gay” I am. Like my friends and husband all know how attracted I am towards females and always have been because I’m honest but because I’ve mostly only dated men it’s kind of just a joke to all of us, including my husband. I have talked about bringing another girl for a threesome at first which my husband seemed to be ok with but he never seems to actually want to do it and when I brought it up he said he wouldn’t want to do anything that could risk our relationship which makes me kind of sad like he knows it might make me leave if I realize I like women.
I think the best course of action is to follow your heart and do what is going to make you happy! Maybe reassure your husband that you’re not looking to get out of the marriage you’re simply exploring your sexuality in a safe place with a partner you can trust. Tell him that you’ve been thinking about it for a while and that you’re seriously interested and set up some ground rules together and be honest about what you guys can and can’t handle. That being said if you guys go through with it and you find that you are more attracted to women and want to be with a woman, then it is better to know and find out now, 3 years in, and not hold it in for 10 or 20 years. I’m sure there’s plenty of books and therapists out there with a lot of good information as well.
I always tend to stay away from the subject of "introducing a new person to the bedroom" if it's not something that you're both comfortable with. From your post, it's seems to me that you're struggling with your sexuality, which is perfectly normal. You don't have to be single and 18 years old to feel that you are able to explore yourself and your needs, and you can "rediscover" yourself at any age. The fact that you're married doesn't change anything on the inside. I'm a very firm believer in the philosophy that you must put your own wants and needs before anyone else's. I don't know you're while situation, but just going by what I'm reading here, I'd hazard a guess and say that you're not completely happy in your current relationship and have the desire to change your current situation. There's nothing wrong with that. It seems that you could possibly be struggling with comphet, which is very common among our community. My personal philosophy regarding sexuality is; if you have to question your sexuality, then you're not what you currently identify as. Personally, I identify as a Lesbian, and I don't find myself questioning anymore or trying to push my own feelings aside hoping that they would go away. They won't go away. I really hope you can figure things out. In the meantime, I'd suggest having a read of "Am I A Lesbian Masterdoc" it's available to read on Google. You may find some more answers there. Good luck 💜
