horrible internalized homophobia

I grew up (and still am in, for a few months) an extremely christian household with strong and open homophobic beliefs, I’ve struggled for about five years hearing the stuff they say about LGBTQ+ people and it’s taken such a huge toll on me to hear my parents talk about how Ill marry a man and have children etc. and I just sit in the back of the car silently crying. there’s not many people I can tell, and while there’s a few queer friends that i could confide in, I really can’t even bring myself to say it to anyone out loud. i want to be proud of who i am, i envy other people, but i always hear my parents voice in the back of my head and I feel so horrible, i feel really alone and I don’t know how to cope with this. i don’t think I’ll ever be able to have a girlfriend because of this. i’ll just be alone because i never want a boyfriend and i’ll never allow myself a girlfriend. so yeah i hate myself.