internalized homophobia

I've been dealing with internalized homophobia just about since I realized I was a lesbian. I've never been in a relationship and I'm worried that if I try to get into one, I'll end up hurting someone in the process because I'm not ready. Right now when things get too "real" with a girl, I feel sick and anxious. Last year (pre-covid) I was at a party dancing with a cute girl who I think was into me, too. Even though I was attracted to her, I remember hoping she wouldn't kiss me because the idea made me uncomfortable but at the same time I wanted her to, and in retrospect I wish she had. When we left the party, the anxious feeling was gone and I wished she would kiss me again because I knew the moment had passed. Basically I only want what I can't have because that's what's safest but I also want a relationship so bad. I get crushes on girls who I barely speak to/see for this reason and just end up disappointed because it never goes anywhere. I can't make myself hold a conversation with girls on dating apps. Right now I think that to get over it I'll just have to try with a girl but my brain works against me. I'm tired of trying to wait this feeling out. Anyone else deal with this? Did you get over the feeling after finally being with a girl?