gender crisis time!

I’m 21 and enjoy androgyny a lot! However, I’m questioning if I’m transmasc. Possibly a man. Thinking about the they/them to he/they step.. anxious!!!! Any transmasc individuals pls reach out with any words of advice (or kindness hah) <3

Backstory:

I’ve [directly] questioned my gender since I was in 6th grade… so about 10 years now.

When I learned people could be trans, when I was like 12, I started really getting introspective and looking deep.

I begged my mom to let me cut my hair off (I said it was to “grow my confidence” because I “used my hair as a blanket” … it took 6 months of asking but I did cut it all off)

I went by she/they/he, mostly they, but exclusively to my friends. (Who were also queer or questioning). I also went by a name different from my birthname. I made homemade binders.

I also am pretty sure I have extra testosterone as a default, I have a lot of traits that point that way (facial hair, developed early and fast, large hands and feet, lots of hair most places, etc) but I am not certain at all.

I lived as an agender person for several years; even through an almost 2 year relationship (when I was 14-16). This person was very accepting, used my preferred name and pronouns, and has since come out as trans!

After this relationship, however, I got into a relationship with a cis straight man. We were together for more than 3 years (16-19ish). During this time, I put on a deep mask I believe, and was in a hyperfem stage. I no longer talked to my friends who knew about my queerness, dropped the pronouns and name, and grew out my hair. I don’t think I realized at the time I was trying to win love (wooo mommy and daddy issues hahahaha), and probably picked up on my boyfriends homophobia (“you don’t really like girls,” deadnaming trans folk, etc). I didn’t realize how much of a betrayal this was to myself til towards the end of our relationship, when I realized there was no way this was going to work. (I moved away for school, we bickered more and more, I realized I was very queer and he would never put effort into that culture with me, etc yk yk) I realized I saw him as more of a “bestfriend” which wasn’t right for either of us.

Anywho, we broke up and I came out as a lesbian. Ever since, I’ve been exploring with myself more, now that I’m older. I cut off my hair again(!!), I’m using “they” as my main pronouns, I’m feeling very androgynous.

But I feel the most confident when I’m masc presenting. I often find myself with anxiety if I don’t have something to compress my chest. I have a biggg problem with dissociating, and I’m starting to wonder if it’s due to discomfort in my own skin and how I’m perceived. Does this all make sense?

When I was younger, before I even knew girls could be gay and long before I knew of transness, I used to daydream of being a boy. I used to believe life would be easier as a boy; I would have more confidence, I would be able to ask people on dates. I used to chalk that up to my perception of the gender roles in the world at the ages of like 6 to 8. But now… was that something more? Did little me know something that I chose to forget?

Anyways, anyone who reads all of this, you’re a saint and please tell me your thoughts. I just need to vent to someone who doesn’t know me because I just don’t know someone who would “get” what I’m saying. Ever since getting into a “het passing” relationship, and then moving away for college, I have no contact with anyone who questions their gender anymore and it’s made me realize that it’s … not the norm??? And maybe I should explore that idea??? Haha. Any advice is welcome