Addiction

I have been struggling with a point addiction since I was 11 years old im about to be 22. I have had periods of sobriety but it never seems to last forever and it just kept escalating to the point where I was talking to people online. Im married now and it is still a problem well it was I was sober for months and then out of the blue did it not for pleasure or anything just to do it and it took my marriage from the best point we had been in in a long time to now she won't look at me and I know shes going to leave and I dont blame her. But she said some thing and I feel like I finally woke up through out all me smoking stuff and started researching things and doing things I should've been doing all along and I feel different but my heart hurts so bad because I know I wont ever get to show her and I also know I'll never be with anyone else because I made her a promise to have and to hold as long as I shall live and im totally okay with being alone now all I wanna do is someday be a man she would be proud of again. We also had a kid we lost and im so ashamed and maybe it wasn't meant to be because how could I have been a good dad with these issues so I hope I can make them proud of me too one day. Someone worth being their dad and the man I should've been to my wife.