A lot of pain
One of the greatest pains I am experiencing right now is that, before everything, when I left Islam and was no longer religious, my perspective and thoughts about life changed. I used to have dreams and ambitions, but now I have become numb, indifferent—I no longer desire anything or feel the motivation to do anything.
Right now, believe me, I am living for only one reason: my mother. I am alive and pretend to be happy in front of her. But honestly, when the day comes that she is no longer here, I will follow her.
The pain I feel now is that I want to make it up to my mother for all the suffering she has endured. She went through unimaginable humiliation and abuse from her narcissistic husband, yet she remained patient for my sake. She was the one who raised me, cared for me, and provided everything for me.
But I feel completely helpless—I desperately want to give back to her. I want to buy her what she desires, provide her with financial stability, and give her happiness
@enthusiasticLion8168
I am sorry, maybe I am not at all familiar with the culture and social rules of your country, but your message made me wondering about the way of you reasoning...
Why do you think you are guilty of all the evil that happened to your mother, as much as to feel obliged to "pay off" or "give it back" to her?
Of course, most children show respect and are friendly to their parents, and care about them, respect when they are getting older and older, but...
Your mother's decision to either leave your father, or to stay with him, I believe was a decision about two people in a marriage. I am convinced that even if she had left her husband, some material things could change (like: you could be living in a different place), but your mother would still be your mother and love you as her child.
Please, tell me if I am wrong, but I think it was God's plan (as a non-religious person I am not sure if I could use the name of Allah) for your parents to meet. And I suppose you were not there...
I am trying to put it in the most respectable way... Would you agree with the opinion that anything about marriage (decision to marry or to divorce) belongs to husband and wife? And even if one of the partners were the worst person on earth, the other is also responsible, because it was his or her choice to meet and marry such person.
As for your ideas of "following your mother" when she passes away some day... I understand the connection between you and her might be very deep, but... Is there anything in your life that is not about your mother? Or do you feel like you cannot exist without her in sight?
I think it's nothing wrong in having personal ambitions, ideas, plans, as long as they are realistic and we are not too obsessed with them. It's still better than being depressed. Do you feel like depressed now?
Last but not least, may I ask if you have ever talked to your mother about what she really needs from you? Most parents want their children to have happy, satisfying life. They don't want their children to die together with them or earlier. And some of them are really happy seeing their grandchildren...
What are you views on those matters?
You need to find a reason to live that has nothing to do with your mother. Mothers (& fathers) have one job: to raise their children & prepare them to become functional adults. Judging from the post, you are a grown man. Your mother has done her job...however she did it & whatever issues she had to grapple with, it's done. You have to cut your own path through this world now.
I hope that you find a way to ease the pain one day. As a muslam I can relate to you have said so I just advising you to consider back to Islam to Allah and you'll find your inner peace that you lost.