A Full Course Meal

When offering a menu to your guest, you may make the mistake of assuming they need a full-course meal to be satisfied.

Understanding the level of support a member needs can be broken down into bite-sized pieces. Easy enough for beginners to swallow, and useful enough for mentors to refer to.

Appetizers

Think about when you've reached out for support.

• Did the person supporting you introduce themselves?
• Were they overwhelming you with information or allowing you space to breathe and lead the conversation?
• How did you feel during the first few exchanges?
• Was something missing?

Providing real, sustainable support is about creating an approach that helps your guest(s) understand your role. You are there to serve them. When they place an order, you send it to the kitchen and bring the meal to their table.

Something as small as "What's on your mind?" or "I'm listening." can allow someone to speak their truth.

The goal is to explore with them through a discussion. You should be asking more questions than making general statements. (Limit the use of 'I' when talking to a guest.)

Soup or Salad

Think about how relationships form.

• Do they happen in a single interaction?
• Is there a shared experience or understanding?
• What kind of things can lay the foundation for trust?

Rapport building can be challenging for a new server because they might not know how to respond to a guest who doesn't understand their meal preferences, and struggles breaking out of their comfort zone to try new things.

Pushing boundaries doesn't work with every guest. They don't want you to change their mind, adjust the menu, or instantly satisfy them. Even if they're asking "What do I do?"

It's rhetorical. A better way to think of it is as a statement. What they really mean is "I don't know what to do."

Rather than going in with a solution for their problems. You can relate to them. "I can understand how lost you feel. You've been trying your best and it doesn't feel like it's enough. This sounds overwhelming for anyone to be going through."

Remember: The goal is to build trust. With that, you have to trust that every guest knows what's best for themselves, and has the power to help themselves. It would be a disservice to try and solve their problems for them.

Main Course

Think of when you needed support from a friend, family member, or partner.

• Did you speak up for yourself?
• Were they receptive to your needs?
• What happened afterwards?

When talking to our guests, we have to keep in mind that they've ordered many things off of many menus. As the server, we don't need to challenge or compare ourselves to other establishments. What a guest wants is to feel heard, understood, and valued.

If they struggle speaking up for themselves, then you have to get them to buy into the idea of why speaking up for themselves is a step forward. You can't undo years of beliefs and coping skills, but you can offer understanding and wisdom. People who don't speak up for themselves may feel like what they have to say just doesn't matter. 

We need to be their biggest supporter in that moment.

It's not about making the choice for them based on what we would do in their shoes. It's about allowing that idea to settle, and them possibly finding hope or inspiration within it. Most people are aware that refusing to advocate for their needs is part of the problem.

Help them hear themselves better, not hear you better.

Side Dishes

Think about when you were overwhelmed or exhausted. Maybe going through a serious bout of depression. Experiencing loss or betrayal.

• Did you look for a million different ways to make it all better?
• Was there a quick fix?
• Could you feel different in a day?

Seating a guest means accepting everything they bring to the table. Appetite, belongings, companions, and more.

If you offer them a suggestion, then you assume the risk of rejection. Most guests don't want someone else to think for them. They want to feel like they have control over the choices they make.

Don't offer them a meal. Offer them a taste.

A member may come to you feeling overwhelmed. They may list off ten different ongoing problems. They may think of themselves as a failure for not being able to solve everything at once. Or stuck on where to go from here.

A gentle suggestion would look like...

1. Acknowledge their feelings: "That's overwhelming."
2. Relate to them: "I can understand why you feel that way. You have X, Y, and Z going on in your life."
3. Be practical: "It sounds like you've been taking big steps and falling down a lot. Maybe taking smaller steps will help you get to where you're going."

Dessert

Think about when you spend time with someone you love. Or when you're doing a preferred activity and it's time to get going.

• Did you drop everything and instantly walk away?
• Were there any loose ends that needed to be tied up?
• Was there a plan in place for resuming things later?

No matter where someone is in life, they want to feel like there's hope in the future. Sometimes they'll be very negative, pessimistic, and judgmental. However, they're looking for guidance and understanding in themselves, which is why they've come to 7 Cups.

By serving them, you ensure that their order is prepared with utmost care and meets their preferences. (Sometimes... even that's not enough for some people. Don't take it personal.)

Not everything must end on a positive note, where we pretend like everything is fine and their issues aren't a big deal. We have to keep it real. Life can stink. Situations can be toxic or unpleasant.

The goal is to leave them feeling understood, valued, and open to coming back when they feel like it.

After-Dinner Coffee/Tea

Think about how you'd feel if you told someone about an issue you were experiencing and they never replied again.

• Would this guest benefit from a follow-up/check-in?
• Do you think they left the table satisfied?
• Are they going to reach out again?

Keep it simple.

Leave the door open for them to come back.

Personally, I keep their chat open. If a member says they're not open to chatting in the future, then I close the message. I scroll through all of my chats, marking who needs a follow-up/check-in, and picking a day to message them.

Typically, a member will reach out to me in a day or two for a follow-up. I like to give members a week before I follow-up with them depending on what we talked about, how they were feeling, or if I think they might need that little extra boost. Like saying, "Hey, I didn't forget about you. I'm still here."

I end my chats the same way. "Feel free to reach out if you need to talk more."

Not every guest needs a full course meal. Some just need to feel welcome at the table.

This post is designed for Listeners, but can be useful to our supportive members as well. I've seen more members actively participate in discussion and interact with peers than on the Listener-side of things. If you're a member looking to grow your skills as a peer-supporter, then this post is for you.

If you found this post helpful, have questions, or want to share your thoughts, feel free to reply or comment below. I'd love to hear from you.

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