Bathing To Become

For someone like me, who struggles with disassociation, I sometimes lose contact with my body. It's gotten better over the years, but it flares up now and again.

Like many people with Borderline Personality Disorder, I walk the line between being neurotic and psychotic.

What that really means is: I have moments when I am fully present — perhaps too present. I can be hyperaware of the state of my life, the issues present, my relationships, my career, my existence. And in that awareness, worry evolves into fear, and fear begins guiding my choices.

Other times, I disconnect entirely. I fall out of myself. A common phrase people with BPD say is 'I don't know who I am'. I often think of myself — and others — in the form of extreme. And sometimes I experience hallucinations, like bugs crawling under my skin.

Over time, I've learned that one of the most important things for my mental health is simply allowing my body to relax.

And for me, nothing is more relaxing than a bath.

I turn on the faucet and watch as the hot water pours into the tub. I add my Epsom salts laced with ginseng, ginger, and rhodiola rosea — about 2 cups does the trick. I light a candle, turn off the light, and wait for the tub to fill.

It's not just a bath. It's a ritual.

I don't bathe to get clean. I bathe to soak in the water, the scents, the stillness. I rub the water all over myself, rubbing it into my face, my arms, my legs, my chest. I plunge my head under and hold my breath.

In the silence, I don't have to think. There's no pressure, no expectations, no roles to fill. I simply exists — submerged, like a baby in a womb.

When I'm ready, I drain the tub, my arms behind my head, my nose just above the waterline.

I imagine my pain, regrets, fears, shame, guilt, anger, love, joy, and sadness swirling down the drain. The stress of being a well-functioning adult is almost unbearable at times. But here, as the water sloshes one last time before disappearing into the pipes. I can just be human.

Not a career. Not a relationship. Not a title.

Just human — the most perfect state of being.

Being a human is the easiest thing I can choose for myself.

But being a person?

I'm not sure that's something I want.

🐠