Compassion Flour

You rarely taste flour directly — but without it, most recipes fall apart.

One of the fundamental elements for combating shame is self-acceptance.

At the core, compassion is about understanding the suffering of others. While many of us have shared experiences with trauma, we don't always understand how someone may be suffering. In fact, it's hard to have compassion if we don't understand the ways in which we suffer as individuals.

Have you ever had a really bad day? I mean... the worst. Life-crumbling. Mood-altering. And wanted someone to talk to... only... no one was there to listen.

A friend recently told me that even though they hadn't spoken to their loved ones in months, no one asked why. They said that it hurt for a while... until they accepted that they didn't matter to anyone else.

It hurt me to hear them say this. Not because I thought they were wrong. But because I knew what it meant to seek acknowledgment of their suffering, and to be ignored.

Through this I began to understand why they cling to their faith. Because it is the only thing that's ever held shape — without it, there’s nothing to hold hope together.

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, there's a model called FEAR.

F - fusion, we become our beliefs
E - evaluate, we understand our beliefs
A - avoid, we run away from ourselves
R - reasons, the battle between virtue and evil

I think about how devastating it must have felt for my friend to need compassion from others... only to realize they'd never get it. Rather than leaving those relationships behind, they created reasons to stay in them.

And maybe that's why they couldn't understand how I'd go no contact with my family. The idea itself scared them. They assumed that I hadn't tried being the bigger person.

The truth? I'm tired of pointing out people's bad behavior to them. I don't want to be in relationships where I can't be myself. Or where I have to walk on eggshells and constantly fail.

Self-compassion means understanding my suffering.

I suffer when others don't reciprocate the love I share. I suffer when I am expected to meet the needs of others. I suffer when the people I love suffer.

And in that, I encounter shame.

My friend said they can't imagine it feels good not to have a relationship with my family. They're right. It doesn't feel good knowing that I'll never be able to find comfort or safety in the arms of my sister. Or to never feel invited and accepted by my father.

And I wonder if I'm stubborn, too hard-headed, too blind... to see that the love I've been searching for is right in front of me. But I know what's not love. Those relationships don't have love in them — just me, pouring myself out... and I don't want to empty myself out for people who don't give me anything back... not even love.

Self-acceptance isn't the hard part.

It's learning to forgive.

Forgiveness doesn't excuse or allow things to continue the way they are. Just as acceptance isn't about seeing a situation as nice or kind. Forgiveness is about accepting things for the way they are and allowing someone the opportunity to change.

I couldn't forgive the people in my life, who hurt me, and took from me. Not until I learned to forgive myself for being ignorant, and flawed, and messy, and... me.

One can only circle the drain so many times before falling in.

I've spent my life in a veil of darkness.

I'd like to live this new one in the light — where compassion holds me together.