Im sorry, and I hate seizures

I wanted to say I'm sorry about my behavior in the chat rooms the other day . Nothing excuses the behavior, especially if I might have hurt someone else. Im sorry if I did. I should have been more mindful and have centered myself to realize what was happening for me and taken better care of myself. 

Even though that is really embarrassing to have behavior completely unlike me, it's not new to me recently.  I've been dealing with this same pattern in real life ever since I started having seizures/seizure activity some months ago and it's been affecting my life and behavior and thinking way beyond any point I'd ever imagined. 

I really was not feeling like myself and realize in retrospect I was having cluster seizures and was sort of trapped in a cycle of being in  post-ictal state, feeling okay, having a seizure activity, rinse and repeat. Well, maybe no rinsing. For anyone that is curious, healthline.org says this about post-ictal phase after seizures: Postictal symptoms of focal seizures with impaired awareness may resolve in 1–2 hoursTrusted Source. Some symptoms like paralysis or weakness can take 1–2 days to fully resolve. Plus, some people may notice changes in their thinking, mood, and energy levels for days... Seizures can cause lingering symptoms that last less than an hour to days. You may develop various symptoms after a seizure is over, such as headache, fatigue, or mood changes.

It’s generally a good idea to take it easy after your seizure until you feel better. If possible, you may find it helpful to lie down in a relaxing space and avoid strenuous mental or physical activities.

After that bad day, I took yesterday to think to myself. Mindfulness is still a journey of mine worth exploring, I will lean into and explore it more now with my new development of seizure activity. I thought I was a mindful person as I use meditation and yoga practices for almost a decade and I enjoy reading and writing so much. The post-ictal phases affect me heavily and has been impeding negatively on so many parts of my life. Im thankful there is a safe space here to experience these things , notice them and grow from them, and not be pushed away from community while I try my best to be the best new version of me. 

thank you for listening. my head hurts .