am i just being dramatic or do i seek help
im 18 im in hs i have no friends in hs cus im also so quiet n awkward. i have v low self esteem n i feel so inferior to everyone cus i haven’t accomplished nothing in life n i feel like im such a disappointment n failure to my fam. sometimes my self esteem is rlly high n then i realize my situation like my relationships w my family n such, having no friends , n i feel v low again n basically go mute or jus try to act like everything’s fine i can’t enjoy normal things that kids my age enjoy because i’m not expressive at all n just come off as weird but i rlly wanna have friends n build relationships but i just have no self perception so i don’t know what to project or conversate about with people i’ve been like this for about two years n im so self aware that everything i know i need to change about myself just seems like so much n an overload that i jus shut down completely n procrastinate n j hide from all my problems by like oversexualizeubg myself online just to feel wanted n validation n attention from ppl, i know it’s not helping me at all but idk why i keep doing it to myself, i have friends online n like can act a certain way n bond w them then i completely forget what to say somtimes n my brain goes empty for no reason n i end up pulling back n distancing myself cus i feel like the things i’m saying is wrong so u just stop talking but i rlly wanna have a real connection w somebody i just can’t do it. i feel like my real self is trapped inside me n i just feel like i’m so overwhelmed with everything n my real self just getting pushed further n further behind like im suffocating. it’s too much to deal with, simple everyday things, that’s so easy for other people. like i have an assignment coming up for english where i have to present to my whole class n i been avoiding that class period for a week even though it’s a final n i will fail that class if i don’t go but i wanna keep telling myself i can do it but i know i can’t because every presentation i had before was so bad, im like the only kid in class doing it alone n i would feel so. awkward going up there n it’s so tiring because everyone else direct have any problem with it at ask cause their comfortable in their skin n it feels like i was left behind being so shy for reason in 12th grade it’s embarrassing n so pathetic that i’m the way i am but i jus can’t bring myself to go to that class n it’s rlly stressing me out cus i need to graduate on time. i can’t even explain it cus it sounds like i’m being dramatic for no reason but if i am idk his im gonna get past it cus i feel it so much i just want my parents to be proud of me n for myself to be proud of me. i feel like im way too young to be dealing with this n if makes it worse because i don’t have anything rlly bad going on in my life i can only imagine his i would be as an adult n it makes me worry even morel. im so tired of being me. my situation isn’t bad , my parents are still together n supportive n love me which is why i’m so confused as to why i am the way i am. idk what to think or do im so lost n feel like i don’t belong anywhere. i don’t have anyone i can go to to relax n feel myself, not even when i’m alone i want it ash to go away, i wanna be comfy in my skin n not care what anyone says, light up a room when i walk into it, have a nice inviting energy , a sense of self n character, someone who a person will remember if they see me walking down a street, somone who ppl would look up to n wanna be around n check up on, someone who ppl go to when they need advice. i wanna be knowledgeable n analytical, be opinionated n optimistic. i hate that i’m laying around in self pity but changing myself is so hard. i just want to be love able and happy to be alive evryday. have new experiences, meet new people n form relationships with them, meet their friends. be someone who ppl would wanna show off. i feel like my life isn’t even mine atp. like i wasn’t meant to be who i am right now. i was supposed to be someone differen r, things weren’t supposed to turn out this way. so many possibilities n chances i missed, to be someone who’s worth the time of day. i wanna have something special about me that draws ppl in, be content with my life n happy finally. i haven’t felt real happiness for years, even when i got a car for my grad gift i couldn’t feel it or express it how i wanted to. but j rlly was happy n grateful i just couldn’t express it n it just ruined it for me cus i could feel their disappointment n discomfort just being in my presence. every interaction i have with anyone in my life feels so empty n lifeless. i feel like im putting on a stupid act eveything one interact with people n just find myself so intolerable n dumb. i cant function like a normal person, i feel like nobody understands. i feel so alone, im tired of being this way i want it all to go away. i have so much love n empathy to give ppl i wanna be able to express n give back to evryone in my life. ty for reading idk what i’m expecting but it felt nice to vent a lil.
@bbylena
im not 18 myself anymore, but i've been a low energy person the whole life and share a lot of the negative things you mentioned yourself. if we are self-critical and focus all the energy on ourselves, we can make our lives very miserable, to put it mildly. you need to learn 2 things, to see glass half full and to transfer your hyperfocus from you and your issues to the outside world. you need to engage with others on things you deeply care, like volunteering or activism. some of that can be done online, even here on 7cups. focus on giving rather than receiving. regularly seeing a therapist or a friend who makes you accountable is going to help you too. on the other hand, if you focus on yourself you need to learn meditation and mindfulness rather that being a slave to ruminating automatic negative thoughts (ANTs).
if you do that, you'll be golden.
@bbylena I haven't been 18 for a long, long, long, long time... but I do still remember much of the same pain/self doubt that you express... It took me years to stop worrying about what other people thought about me... How I came across... To open up and let someone get to know me... I was and still am the stereotypical shy introvert. Over time I found out years after my school years was that much of what I perceived of myself, probably just like you, was WRONG! I found out from a friend of my brother's that all the girls in my 5th grade class had crushes on me! I found out years later that the girl I liked in 7th grade wouldn't talk to me because I seemed so aloof (the introvert/shy thing again.) Through group therapy and some personal/professional development programs I was able to hear how people experienced me in a safe environment. They experienced me as kind, empathetic, intelligent, wise, and even REALLY funny! If I was to give one piece of advice, it would be to find that kind of safe space -- group therapy/support group -- where you can be yourself and see how others REALLY experience you. I'll bet, like me, you'll be surprised how out of sync your perceptions are with other peoples' That's the first step in re-writing your internal talk-track and escaping a negative mind set. Best of luck to you. It can be better. Trust me.
