OCD / POCD !!TW!! SA Survivor NSFW

Severely in distress over POCD theme & acting on a thought & desperately need to talk to someone. Not doing good & disliking myself.

(F28) Towards the end of last year , I decided to do some deep diving trying to figure out of all of the trauma from the past was the reason as to why I grew up having hypersexuality. So I went on to reddit to see if there were other people who endured the same things as I did & how they coped with it, but I came across really disturbing comments of people mentioning "exploring at a young age" (like 3,5,6, etc) & being very detailed with the ages. It made me uncomfortable, & I was not aligned with the information that I thought was going to be helpful for me, so I clicked off the app.

Around this time, One thing I kept thinking about was how I wished I was still a kid sometimes, before all of the rough traumatic experiences.

It broke my heart thinking that alot of those people who commented probably dont even realize that experimenting that young can be (but isn't automatically) a sign of abuse from their childhood that some of them might not even be aware of.

As an adult Reminiscing on when i was younger, I wanted to take the power back from when certain things like repeated SA happened to me as a child & teenager. But I feel as though my method of wanting to take back the power became destructive , once the intrusive thoughts leaked in.

Around that time, I ended up having an "intimate moment" with myself thinking of myself being an age before most of the trauma happened, but then intrusive thoughts from the Reddit those previous comments started creeping into my mind & it caused alot of disturbing confusion that later made me feel uncomfortable.

The intrusive thoughts were me recalling the memory of some of the reddit comments talking about themselves at a young age & I kept wrestling with the thought because the focus was originally & only supposed to be on me. The thoughts just made that moment very difficult & confusing & reflecting on it now , I've since felt guilty about the entire situation, because I didnt immediately end the "moment of pleasure" & just continued on with my intimate moment. I didnt visualize actual kids (that's not a desire of mine) , but the intrusive thoughts were of the descriptive reddit comments sharing their stories of how they used to do certain things like that at a young age. It felt like my mind & body reacted to something taboo & inappropriate which has disturbed me very much as if i wanted it or made the pleasure more intense. What originally was supposed to be me taking back my power from past predators ended off with me feeling like a predator & it makes me feel very disgusted in myself. I dont have any intentions to harm any actual child at all. I would never do that. Due to my past trauma & history of OCD , i've since been stricken with a POCD theme the last couple of months & it's made me try to scan my entire life's history for any potential thing I ever couldve done wrong & this memory has since resurfaced in my mind.

It feels like those taboo intrusive thoughts regarding the reddit comments of being explicit heightened my arousal during masturbation , so i consciously kept the thoughts on a loop to climax & it left me feeling guilty & ashamed looking back on it now.

I feel so distressed & mentally & emotionally exhausted like Im some kind of evil person. It's hard for me to forgive myself for this.