I feel like my counselor doesn't take me seriously
I've always obssesed about my health, to the point where i check if my body is alright and when i feel ANYTHING that i am not sure about, i inmediately book a doctor's appointment. It got to a point a year ago where it couldnt get any worse, because the kinds of disease that i "diagnosed" myself started being really specific, like i started to actually give "names" to what i was convinced i had, breast and brain cancer, i thought i was having a heart attack several times... and i just felt helpless, because i convinced myself that i was really going to die.
Then I started therapy, kind of. There's a counselor at my university and i started going there, but i didnt really share much of this with her, because everytime i would try to bring it up, she would say something like "ok but thats stupid" and i would feel embarrased.
Everything got even worse when i started obsessing about my body weight, i only ate one meal per day for months, even tho some days i would binge and i would feel extremely guilty. I would weight myself everymorning because i didnt want to see my body any other time of the day, because it looked "worse". After three months like this, i started to obsses again with diseases, but this time both things were happening at the same time. I never said any of this to my counselor at the time.
In december, six months since i started doing this, I kind of opened up to her. I didnt tell her about the body weight thing but i did tell her the rest. She showed me a breathing exercise that worked for a while, but one night that i was obssesing way too much, i tried to do it and it resulted in another obssesion. I was the one in control of my breathing, if i stopped, i would actually stop breathing? idk if that makes sense, but everynight since that day, i think of it when im in bed and i have trouble breathing normally. it usually takes me about an hour to forget about it.
A month ago i told her EVERYTHING. She said that i just have mild anxiety. It's making me feel like i have no control over anything, that this is what everybody goes through but im the only one who cannot deal with it. I really feel like i'm going to die and i am terrified.
What should i do? I dont know how much longer i can live with this
oh man, oh man, do I know what you are going through. :( For two months, I thought my tooth was rotting out of my skull. I felt it. It hurt. I obsessed over the stupid thing. I couldn't afford dental insurance, so I could never get it checked out. Finally, my SO was fed up with me so he's like, "I'm paying your visit out of pocket to go get your stupid tooth looked at."
Dentist took a gander and said, "Nope, your teeth look perfect."
I know what you mean when you say you feel helpless. My brain routinely tells me that something is wrong with my body functions. It drives me crazy. I feel like I can't trust my senses.
Has your counselor treated OCD before? My therapist talks a certain way to his anxiety prone patients, but he'll speak differently to his OCD patients. Even though OCD is at its simplest, an anxiety disorder, it's got difference facets to it. I'm wondering if your counselor may be used to treating one kind of mental illness that you share some traits with?
Just throwing this out there too...sometimes what can feel like big events to us, appear small to other people. Her perspective is hard to gauge because we don't know her. I know this answer is the one you don't want to hear, but I'm going to say you need to ask her these questions to get the truth. We can only speculate and cast conjecture.
When you are feeling worried about some part of your body that's malfunctioning, what do you normally do about it?
@Blinkk thanks for replying!
When i feel something is wrong, i book an appointment with my doctor (i am from a country that has free health care). I do it everytime, and it makes me feel better for a second, but then i worry that even if i go, i am already sick and there's nothing he can do. I almost never really go to the appointments because (a) he might say that i am actually sick and (b) i fear that if i have nothing, he will just say that i am overreacting, which is what all my friends and the counselor tell me.
This counselor is the university counselor, so i understand that she is there for like... when students are stressed about exams or maybe they don't feel great because they failed or something. I should go to an actual therapist, but i'm scared to tell my parents (they support me economically, so they would have to pay for it) because my mom has always been really judgy to my uncle, who has depression. And my dad doesnt really care.
@gabemarisa Yay, Im glad you live in a country with free health care. I dont have access to affordable health care, so I dont have insurance right now.
You know, when I was going through the thing with my tooth, it would keep me up at night, even after the dentist said everything was perfect. I worried about it a lot. I didnt sleep. Id have these terrible dreams where my jaw would rot out of my face. The fear was invasive.
In high school I had a friend with bad self-esteem issues. She hung a note on her mirror that said, You are beautiful. Every morning, shed recite to herself, I love myself. She didnt believe it, though. She went through the motions without believing the words. Nothing happened for a month. She still felt crummy and awful. But then after about two or three months, she started noticing that she was taking care of herself a little more. Talking to her reflection didnt solve everything, but she realized she was slowly growing a sense of value for herself.
I did a very similar thing with my tooth problem. The dentist said everything was fine, but it still hurt and it still bothered me to an extraordinary level. I completely understand what you mean when you say you think youll die. I really, really, really believe my teeth are rotting away. I FEEL it happening. Ugh ugh ugh. Anyways, if I couldnt sleep because my tooth, I would do what my high school friend did. Id say something like, The dentist said your teeth are perfect. No, I didnt believe it. It still hurt, and Id still worry about it nonstop. But every night Id keep telling myself, Its probably psychosomatic. The dentist said it was perfect. Even though I didnt believe it, I said it over and over and over. Eventually, after about four weeks, the psychical pain melted into a non-urgent dull throb. It still felt wrong, but I could finally chew on that side of my mouth again. Realllllllllly slowly I gained access to that part of my body again.
Even today I still feel weird little jolts of throbbing pain every now and again, but I just recite that line to myself. Remember, the dentist said its all good. Some days I dont believe it, but I still say it to myself anyway. It doesnt fix things, but it helps make it more manageable. If anything, its training me to trust another persons judgment, even when my body is giving me signals that Im not okay.
Maybe this counselor isnt what you need. If shes used to helping stressed students, she may accidently treat you like a stressed student. Its hard for me to tell because Ive never met her. Oh man, itd be hard to work out things with your family. Do you think it might be possible to be vague? Something like, Well, the counselor did all she could, but Im still not doing great. They suggested I go see this specialty therapist who will give me tools to fix some of my habits so I can sleep/study/eat better. Youre not quite lying, and you are avoiding mentioning a mental illness, so maybe thats a good way to go about it? (lol, and then when youre in therapy, tell your therapist what you did so s/he can address it. :D Getting in the first battle.)
@gabemarisa
Hi hope you're doing ok
Ya I agree with blink it sounds like your OCD is negatively effecting you and your counselor should take that seriously.
I'm not a doctor but it sounds like you may have illness anxiety disorder also known as hypochondria?
I want you to know your fears are not your fault someone with these problems can literally feel or think they feel their body reacting in a way like that disease but the doctor can't diagnose as that illness or disease.
Do you have an idea where these worries may be coming from like do you have a history of loved ones hurt or dying from these diseases?
@wittySpruce8187 hey lovely, just wanted to let you know we can't offer diagnoses here x