OCD: Obsessive thoughts and the morbid fantasies that follow suit

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I guess this is more of a vent than it is anything else. 

OCS was my first ever diagnosis aside of my many others and i must say that it’s the rollercoaster down to the depths h*ll that i never asked for yet one i keep waking up too every single miserable sunrise, these thoughts that plague me mine being the real f*cking kicker of it all, it has always been that way ever since i could remember. 

Sometimes I can’t keep myself from having the most questionable fantasies from surfacing and it makes me feel like the most filthy d*generate to have ever been conceived. 

I don’t want to think it yet, the gods know that i would never desire for something so depraved to happen yet no matter how hard i try to shut these thoughts out they just linger. 

I could be at work, the library, or even hanging out with friends and my mind will suddenly place me in hypothetical scenarios where i find myself in dangerous situations, i don’t wish for this at least that is ehat i always tell myself yet before i know it i am fantasizing about getting m*lested or s**ually a*ssaulted by a stranger or a group of them even, i will imagine the agonizing pain of getting my body brutalized from every hole imaginable, i will imagine the dehumanizing, degrading words they would use as they wrap their hands around my throat and listen to my choked out pleas and screams, the crooked smiles and jeering laughter that emanate from them like a pack hyenas, the way they would use me and then leave me to die like the w*ore they made of me. 

“I don’t want this.”

I have said this very same sentence countless times now, 

It has lost its meaning, i no longer know if it’s true because thinking these things makes feel both disgusted and aroused, and worst of all is that they don’t just stop at nameless faces, sometimes they would even target even the people i love and it drives me insane, i could be having a relatively good day and then there he is in yet another imaginary vile scene, my father forcing himself on me as he violates both the sanctity of family and my body or i could be having dinner with my closest friend and suddenly i imagining myself stabbing my fork into her eye in the name of experimental lobotomy or everyone else in between because this terrorist in my head is indiscriminate, it doesn’t care, it will conjure up anything, anywhere, for anyone it can take advantage of and use as material to torment me with. 

These thoughts are so disturbing and they don’t just stop at s*xual depravity, it can be anything from violence others, self perpetuated death sentences, or otjer things to unholy to say. these thoughts know no boundaries when it comes to utilizing the things i fear or loathe the most against me. 

It’s a long way to h*ll and each unwanted thought just feels like i am digging myself deeper and closer to its gates down from the depths.

It’s a long way to h*ll yet it feels like i am already there, i wish this would stop yet the turbulence in my head is seemingly never ending. I just want it to stop.