Pure O OCD, can anyone relate?

Hello guys,

As many of us I have been conciously and unconsiously searching for what it is that definately is wrong with me. Years past and it feels like today is the day when I can say it surely - OCD.

I've had a very harsh life - poverty, bullying and rejection, I am not sure whether my condition was caused by an event from my life or it is the kind you are born with. I do not remember when it started - I've had thoughts of doing harm to others and myself for as long as I can remember, weird sexual thoughts as if you thought of having sex with a completely unattractive school teacher, etc. Anxiously doubting sexual orientation (HOCD, POCD) (though, in fact I am having no doubt). However, these things have been rather rare, but nethertheless together they count and are disstressing.

What's bothered me the most was an obsession about talks that happened or might happen, obsessing of what people said or might say. For years I have been spending up to about 10 hours a week having imaginary conversations with my grandmother at which I tried to prove her wrong. I knew it was senseless, but you cannot leave these thoughts, they are here to stay...

What was the most serious issue that just broke my heart is the fact that I was in love with a bipolar girl who neglected me in the hardest way one can imagine and gave me hope for years as we were in school, thoughts about her were completely out of control, kept me anxious and though-consumed:
(see the similar issue: https://www.7cups.com/forum/AdditionalMentalHealthSupport_151/ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder_249/Repetitivethoughtsaboutagirl_36935/ )

I told her never to write me again and we parted, I have seen her once after that. It's been a year and there has been still hardly a day a week I could avoid thinking about her. I don't love her anymore, I started to hate her because she doesn't go away from my head... All relationships I could have I cut from the start (ROCD) reasoning to myself with two sentences that describe it all: "I don't really like her that much. She deserves much better than that."

Now I know, seems like the exit door is close and open...

Let us know, if maybe you can relate...

Roman