Self-Objectification

Hello everyone,

I've been on this website before a couple of years ago now. I have been in therapy for the last 4 years and being treated by a psychiatrist for the last 5. I feel like I understand myself a lot better than I ever have, but still struggle to come to terms with my day-to-day problems. I was diagnosed with OCD and while it helps me make sense of things, I also cannot stop thinking about it. It bothers me so much. The biggest symptom/issue/mental health thing I've been dealing with still hasn't gotten better even with all the help I've received. So looonnng preamble short now; I want to ask people with OCD (or not! diagnoses I don't think really matter in the long run aside from getting stupid insurance companies to allow people to get the help they need!!) how they have dealt with self-objectification? 

-I'm going to give a kinda lengthy background on how self-objectification has been affecting me, but ultimately I don't have any positive or permanent ways to cope with it 😞

Since I was 4 years old I have been hyper aware of my body and my surroundings at all times. Pictures of people in photos, magazines, books, on the TV, social media, etc always seem to be looking at me and judging me. I know that they aren't actually doing that, but the intense feeling of being watched and judged still remains. The only relief I get is turning the photos around or covering them up. These are sort of 'general' issues I deal with. The specific issue that is related to this I deal with constantly is that I see a mask in the environment around me. Like, pareidolia, where people see faces in clouds and everything, but in this case its the same face (I call it a mask because it looks like the mask of ghostface from Scream- no eyes, just eye-holes, no mouth, just a mouth-hole). I see this face absolutely everywhere. Its in the floor, the trees, my clothes, wood paneling is a common culprit, and I see it regardless if its dark or not. I know this sounds like a hallucination, but after working with several therapists and psychiatrists over the years I've come to the conclusion that its not. I know its not real, it can't speak or move, and anti-psychotics don't alleviate it. I think my obsession with perceiving myself since I was very small has made this face a permanent part of my brain. I am always trying to appease it or ignore it. Whatever I feel is easier to do in the moment I guess. It hears my thoughts, judges me, listens to everything I think, and moderates my behavior. God its like I have a cop in my head that looks like a monster. When I was in elementary school (ages 5-11) I used to have the constant thought and feeling that everyone could hear my thoughts and know that I was bad and crazy. I used to think my classmates and teachers would watch me go to the bathroom, shower, change, eat, or anything I else I thought was really embarrassing all the time. No matter where I was. I had my first crush on a boy around this age and I kept having the reoccurring feeling he was watching everything I did and laughing at me or feeling disgusted by me. 

I honestly don't know why any of this started for me. I've talked about this at length with professionals and it feels like I was just born this way. But I don't think you can be born paranoid. Aside from the paranoia, the feeling of intense shame and guilt take the forefront for me. Nothing alleviates these feelings. No medication, no positive mantras, no deep breaths, no remembering that I am human being and am allowed to feel this way, nothing at all has ever made it stop. I can cover up the faces and for a little while I feel relief, but they always come back somewhere else. And they're always angry that I cover them up. I haven't felt like a real human being much at all in life. I feel like a doll. Like I'm made of ceramic and I just exist as a play thing. I think this de-personalization has amplified these thoughts to an extreme. I just can't get out of this feeling.  

Soooo after all that I'll reiterate the above question once again; How do you deal with self-objectification? 

Thank you for reading this mess ; ;