when the father won’t

it’s taking me a lot to write this. a lot of strength. i hope writing this out gives me the courage to be the bigger and “better” person.

i have two children, boy and girl. my son is 2, soon to be 3 in october. my daughter is a little over a year old. my silly little baby. they are my world. the reason i wake up. the reason i smile everyday. the reason i work. literally everything i have ever dreamed of being… they made me. they gave me.

things didn’t work out with their father. i felt like i was the only one trying. the only one making plans to take the kids out. the only one cooking. the only one cleaning. the only one bathing our children; caring for our children. i was neglected. broken. i was a maid and babysitter for him.. he stopped seeing me as the mother of his children. that was very clear.

while i was thankful that i was able to stay home with my kids, and thankful for the roof he put over our heads; i needed help. i needed more from him.

so, i left. there’s a whole story behind that.

i knew leaving meant i would struggle.

i would no longer have my own apartment.

i wouldn’t have a car.

i wouldn’t be able to spend everyday with my kids.

but i knew staying meant i would struggle too.

only in a completely different way. if you’re a mom, then i feel like you get the gist of what that means.

once we separated we agreed, verbally, that we would do week on week off custody. agreed to still do birthdays together to show them that we can be a family and civil together. we agreed to still take them to the park together… do trips. try to stay active as a cohesive family; co parent the right way.

today i was told that he wanted to do separate birthdays and that i was not invited. my heart broke.

and because it broke, it made me realize a lot of things about him. about who he is as a parent.

but am i surprised? no.

not only does he not have CAR SEATS for my children

but he does not pay attention or care for them like a father should.

my son has come back to me with dread locks practically because his hair hadn’t been brushed.

my daughter sleeps in a playpen.

they constantly come back covered in bug bites.

when i ask if he’s fed them before picking them up for my week he always replies with “they’ve eaten snacks”

he keeps them up so much later than i would ever even imagine.

the list goes on for what i feel like is forever.

i work 36 hours a week. i bring home roughly $400 every two weeks. every check i get goes to the kids. very rarely do i ever treat myself. i’m a mother, if i do.. i get mom guilt. and mom guilt is never fun. plus, treating myself is not in the budget.

he works over 40 hours a week as a mechanic. is his pay great? eh. i guess it depends who you ask. but is it definitely a lot better than what i’m bringing in… absolutely.

i can’t even ask him for money. in fact, he asks ME for money.

for what? daycare.

separating for him meant he would no longer have someone to watch them. so, he put them in daycare.

i don’t need daycare. i don’t benefit from it in anyway. & it was not my choice or something i was ready to do.

i at least wanted my son potty trained & confident enough to ask someone to use the toilet.

but guess what, for months he asked me for money.

i felt like i was constantly trying to explain to him that if i put the kids in swim lessons that i would not expect him to pay for the lessons or even half the lessons. even though, he would be taking them on his week as well. why? because it’s something I wanted for the kids. or something I felt like they needed. so why should i pay for daycare when i’m not the one who needs it? or wants it?

his argument? daycare is essential for development. they don’t need to know how to swim.

well sir, i didn’t go to daycare and i turned out ok.

he doesn’t see our children as children. he sees them as a write off for a check.

i feel like i’m so scared to put my foot down on a lot of the issues i see and have. why? well.. he’s threatened to take my kids from me before and that was the scariest thing.

and being with him, the mental and emotional abuse was so much that sometimes i feel like i have to just agree with him. so we don’t fight.

but i know i need to do the right thing for my kids. i need to be the strong and brave momma that they know i can be.

i would do anything for them, and if that anything means getting my feelings hurt by their dad to protect them then so be it. call me names, threaten me, do whatever. but do not do something to put my kids lives in danger. do not do something to make it seem like they’re not getting taken care of properly when they’re with you because all you want to do is play on your fancy computer.

if you made it this far, i appreciate you.

and i hope if you’re in any type of similar situation that this gives you the strength to be the momma your kids know you are.

you’re a good mom, no matter what anyone ever says about you. you’re doing things right and you’re giving your kids your all.

we got this.