How can I talk to someone who I think hates me?
The communication was never strong between us. We are roommates (he, 38-39, and I am 25 F). He rumored to people I do not know that I do not talk to him but I just feel uncomfortable around him. I usually feel safer when my bf comes home from work. We keep him as a roommate because of past situations that arose and caused him and us to loose our one home our friend promised to let us stay while we look for a job.
My roommate also has drama with his family and does not want to live with them although it seems he might have to just to support them himself. I feel like he hates me because I do not have a job. Ive tried but it has been really hard. And my confidence declined past year. He nor my bf offered the support or talk I needed. But i was too scared to talk to my roommate about it, knowing he will judge somehow. It is tricky i feel unsafe around him.
He always drinks and smokes due to stress from his family and work, but I feel like that is an excuse to tell me so I can just leave him alone or something. He once said alot was on his mind when he forgot to pay rent on time, I asked where he went that morning (because he usually is home around that-said time). But he said that alot was on his mind. I try to talk to him before, and Ive said “if you need me ill be in my room”, “just let us know”, “text us and let us know if can” (i also made a group chat for the three of us to make it easier for him). But he doesn’t seem to know how to communicate and I think it’s because he hates me.
I feel uncomfortable its hard for me to relate to him. I think I am nice but I am not sure what exactly he thinks of me. Maybe it was because of that past situation that caused is to move out our friends house? But even so, that shouldn’t be an excuse to be passive aggressive. Id rather deal things mature way. But he seems stressed all the time. I never know when to talk.
Ive been frustrated. Ive told my bf, he tells me he does not hare me and it is all in my head. But i just feel dismissed. I feel crazy. I do not feel safe. I came to the conclusion that my roommate might be a narcissist (because he seems to not tell the whole truth, manipulate by acting nice and friendly, but his kindness seems transactional, he does not always act nice, does passive aggressive things even after I confront him…) I just dont know… i must be going crazy. But i would be happy to see someone else view. I have noone else to talk to about this and if i do tell someone they just seem dismissing.
@onnabun
So you are uncomfortable around him .... perhaps he is also uncomfortable around you.... many people who are uncomfortable can come off as negative or like they dislike you etc.
living with others is hard ............people have habits that bother others that may seem petty........ that too can cause friction .....that is not hate but just a failure to communicate. You are putting a lot of ideas of what you THINK his thoughts are ....the only way to clear all that up is to communicate. maybe he does not like you and all you feel is correct .... all your assumptions but unless you speak up you will not know....
roommates in a perfect world would all be best of friends...... but for many it is a business arrangement not personal. someone to pay part of rent and bills. when you do find work i have found in one almost every place i worked at least one person who i did not click with and perhaps they disliked me but it was not necessary for the working relationship for everyone to like each other.
I wish you the best in finding a way to communicate because it is stressful .....living with even perceived tension.
My problem is exactly the communication. He tells others that I am quiet and that I do not like talking to him, but Ive tried my best. He makes me uncomfortable based on how he thought of me back then (he would play the local Hawaiian song, *** house whenever I am around, now, he leaves the apt. when I am thinking of talking to him as if he knows?). I even asked him if he was intimidated by me one time, due to the fact that my bf thought he was just intimidated by talking to girls. And he scoffed and said he wasn’t intimidated at all. If talk to him he might just lie and say nothing is wrong when I know he has friends in the same building that he might’ve talked rumors with. And I have a feeling his friends dont like me either because they themselves do not choose to reach out to me, but I cant be too sure. I can only be sure based off of what I hear and see.
@onnabun
sometimes what we see or assume........ we miss the mark. i learned a long time ago life is short and time is wasted when we do not speak up and ask questions but assume based on hear say or what we think others are thinking.
I spoke up about the things that bothered me… And you are technically right, but it wasn’t anything new that I didn't already know. I’ve succumbed to what my bf has been telling me from the beginning about my roommate, to which he doesn't catch on quickly until you tell him exactly. And I just wanted him to get the hints on his own, but sadly he cant I guess. Ive been told many time what you have said, I just dont know why people are saying the same thing. And it was just frustrating not to have anyone support you. Ive learned to live with my roommate now. And that is to just keep to myself. Because if its something unspoken that is bothering him, he is the one who should bring it up. Not me. It not my problem anymore.