Chat Between @jesusredeemedme2425 and @BastionKnight :)
I just wanted to say hi and maybe start a chat with you! Please disregard if you’re not comfy with it or don’t want to. No pressure either way! :)
@jesusredeemedme2425
*Smiles* Why would you think I would not wish to chat with you or be uncomfortable with it? I consider it a privilege to converse with you and hope I can out you at ease on that score. I have never done this penpal thing, so it is a novel experience for me. I have seen other's referring to you as Kiara, but did not wish to do so unless invited to. So, please feel free to let me know how best to put you at ease.
I never want to assume that people want to talk to me one-on-one lol! They may not hehe
Absolutely, you can call me Kiara! <3
Penpal chats are super informal. We just talk about whatever! Hehe
@jesusredeemedme2425
Well it is a pleasure to get to know you better Kiara. Very interesting name by the way; if I am not mistaken it can have two quite different meanings depending on what origin it draws from (Light or Bright from Italian, or dark haired if from Irish Gaelic).
So what makes you smile? And what sort of things need to happen for you to sit back and say to yourself "Yes, today has been a good day"?
I just took it from The Lion King 2 XD
Hmmm… Seeing my awesome coworkers, finishing some artwork (I did some today), going to my YA Bible study, sharing food with others, changing lives, etc ;)
What about you? :)
@jesusredeemedme2425
Ah, I see. Well I cannot fault you for finding inspiration in Disney.
I think that it is really nice that seeing your co-workers is something that makes you smile/brightens your day. So much of our lives are spent at work that it is really good when one can find something that is enjoyable and not just a wage. Can I assume then that you quite like what you do as a job?
Do you post your artwork here on the forums? It would be great to see your creations. I have a lot of respect for artists and creatives in general, and often wish i had the skill to transfer the things i think about and wish to make/paint/draw/etc into reality. I notice a theme running through the things that you highlight as smile worthy, especially in the last three you list; It seems your strong motivator is altruism and care towards others. Only the art you mentioned was specific as something for you. It does not surprise me, given the way you always seem to behave here. I just hope that you spend more time on doing things for Kiara that make Kiara happy too. We all think you are amazing for how much you care. But there should still be time set aside for your indulgence as well.
As for me, I think I am easily distracted by things making me smile, because the Universe is filled with just so many! And as for things that make things a good day: when I observe kindness being delivered, that day is automatically earmarked as a good one straight away. It doesn't need to be grand gestures, or life changing deeds (though those ones are always memorable), just creatures behaving sympathetically towards other creatures.....that and marzipan...nomnomnom.
Speaking of nomnommygoodness, you mentioned you like sharing food. Are you into cooking much yourself?
Remind me to respond to this when I have more time. I may forget. Lol
@jesusredeemedme2425
*Smiles* There is no rush.
No, it’s more like, once I click on the notification, it disappears lol
I looked elsewhere too, and couldn’t find anything good. Lol
I LOVE my job! It’s sometimes not that great, but overall, it’s incredible <3 Do you like your job?
I don’t post pics, because I know that bad people can actually trace you via photo. I wish I could tho!
I have the perfect art solution for you <3
Idk how to rest and do fun things anymore…
Have you thought about making a “Bright Spots and Small Wins” post? I dare you to make one <3
My mom LOVES marzipan <3
I haven’t had kitchen access for many years, so I forgot how to cook what little I knew how to cook.
What are your hobbies and interests? <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
I did enjoy my job, yes. It was a nice combination of being both physically demanding and intellectually stimulating. Unfortunately, I lost it due to my injury. But once I recover and put all this silly spinal issues behind me, who knows what the future might hold.
I completely understand about being security conscious and think that is very wise indeed. In fact perhaps that even makes your creative endeavours even more special, as they are limited to the selected audience of those you know. I am sure they appreciate it.
It was a little sad to hear that you do not feel you know how to rest or have fun anymore. I hope that we all can collectively help you rediscover that piece of you. After all, with so many delightfully amusing and entertaining posters on the forums, I am sure some of that must rub off on us all and perk up the happiness meter.
In regards to my hobbies, they are fairly varied; reading, writing (poems and stories mostly), having games evenings with my family, cooking, anything really that stimulates the senses and imagination. I did used to love walking in wild places, and hope one day to be able to return to that. I especially love snorkelling. There is something so tranquil about the sensation of floating and watching little creatures swarm and dancing all around, diving as deep as one can on one breath and then suppressing that feeling of panic as one kicks up towards the surface before finally breaching back into sunlight. Again...something i have not done for a while now, but hope to again once i am all healed and ticketyboo again.
I shall take your recommendation to create a Bright spots and small wins post under advisement. I shall think on it until i have a good idea.
I hope your week has started well, and that it continues to go the way you would like.
@jesusredeemedme2425
Salutations Kiara,
I hope this message finds you well. Just wanted you to know that even if I have not raised my head above the parapet lately, does not mean that you and others have not been thought about. Time seems to just be eating itself lately, and plans seem to unravel as fast as I make them.
How about you? What victories have you been celebrating lately? I hope that the situation that had you feeling a bit taken advantage of/not valued as you should be has resolved itself? It made me sad to think of you feeling that way, especially as you do so much to demonstrate thoughtfulness towards others. I hope it was just a temporary blip, and that you are once again riding the wave of positivity and being inundated with things that are making you smile and think "Yes!, Today was a good day".
It would be a delight to hear from you again, but do not fret about it. Life is a busy creature and it pulls us all in many directions at once. So for now I just say keep smiling, and may great things come your way.
I’m still alive, sorry… I suck at responding to penpal chats. My brain gets very easily overwhelmed, especially by long posts… Yay, mental illness lol. Remind me to respond lol
@jesusredeemedme2425
*Smiles reassuringly* No apologies necessary, and truly do not sweat it. It is fine, I promise. I shall bear in mind that long posts can be a challenge for you and shall endeavour to keep future ones more concise.
It is always a pleasure hearing from you. I hope things have been going smoothly for you?
You don’t have to keep them short :) I just need time sometimes hehe
I feel like shutting down :(
@jesusredeemedme2425
Oh no, what has happened? May I ask, has it just been a meh week or is something particular troubling you?
I can see how much you put into all your posts on 7Cups (which is awesome of you) but I hope that doesn't mean you are stretching yourself thin and not looking after Kiara.
You don't need to tell me what is bothering you if you would rather keep it private, but I am listening if you do. Either way, what can we try to get back your verve and put the spring back in your step?
Just a lot of everything. IRL and online. Not enough sleep. Just a lot of meh adding up all together yk?
I think I’m definitely getting compassion fatigue like Affy said, too.
Idk how to look after Kiara anymore.
Idk… I’ve been dragging for years yk
@jesusredeemedme2425
Things can add up and It is understandable that it can quickly become overwhelming. I don't pretend to have any more wisdom than anyone else, but from the sort of things you say it does come across that you are possibly taking on too much. It makes me wonder why you feel you need to push yourself this hard. If you feel that you are indeed having compassion fatigue, maybe it is indeed time to recharge those batteries?
Several times across various forum posts you have mentioned things that are very sad to hear; feeling a need to apologise, pursuing unreciprocated attention, enduring mistreatment, and not feeling able to look out for your own needs. That must be a very difficult way to live. It makes all your efforts to reach out and bring happiness all the more laudable but also ineffably sad.
I am not going to suggest what many might; the whole 'look after your own oxygen mask first' thing, for I know that would be hypocritical of me and I also think it ignores how hard that concept can be for some folks. When one feels compelled to help and heal, it can be excruciating to try and ignore, so much so that grinding oneself into the ground trying seems preferable. Also, i understand how uplifting it can feel when caring for others and their needs. And the idea of cutting out that feeling, even if it is just to recharge can also seem unpalatable.
The fact that you suggest your current predicament has been dragging on for years is heart-breaking, and I do not pretend to be able to be able to fathom how you manage to put so much of your efforts towards positivity whilst feeling the way you do towards yourself and your situation. *Comforts you*. Instead, I shall shoot some ideas into the dark in the hope that something might help bring you a little bit of a boost:
The song "Lambada" by Kaoma
Banana Celestine (Yummy recipe, without or without the flambe rum)
The German word gemütlichkeit
The smell of newly mown grass on warm summer days
The poem "Leisure" by W.H.Davies
How did you know exactly how I feel? <3
How are you doing? <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
Aha, great minds think alike *smiles*, for I was going to inquire the same of you.
I am ticketyboo as always. I miss not being able to wander in the woods, especially as we have had some really nice weather and it would have been perfect to meander and take photos. But on the plus side, that gives me more motivation to keep up with the physio and strive harder. I have had so many doctor/hospital appointments lately that I feel I should be getting some sort of reward...maybe along the lines of a chain coffee store loyalty card kind of thing... get a stamp each time you visit, and once you have twelve stamps you get your choice of operation or organ free of charge *grins*
But how about you Kiara? You seem to have been just as busy on the forums lately, so have you changed your mind about withdrawing a little to recharge or has things in general become easier so that you no longer feel so burnt out? I very much hope it isn't a case of you still trying to give too much of yourself and getting upset and stressed. But if the latter is the case, I send you a big cartload of happy-soothy-relaxiomatic-vim-vigour-voom vibes to give you a little boost. How have things been for you lately? What has been happening in the world of Kiara?
I got abused today… I’m not doing well rn :’(
@jesusredeemedme2425
*Comforts you* I saw the post. It sounded like a very scary situation, so no wonder it felt intimidating. I am just glad you and your mother got out of it, but I am still sorry the person made you both feel unsafe.
How are you doing now? I hope that person was not someone you have needed to rely on. If so, do you have some alternatives or is that something you still have to look into?
We didn’t rely on her.
I feel a lot better about it now… Sleeping it off helped a lot.
My mom’s in the ER right now… She thinks she’s having a heart attack. I’m in the waiting room and separated from her and I am PANICKING :’(
@jesusredeemedme2425
I am very sorry, I have only just come online so have just seen your message. I hope everything is alright. If something is wrong, the ER sounds like the very best place to be.
Are you okay? Is your mother okay?
It’s all good. We’re home, she’s doing a lot better, it took a huge toll on me.
@jesusredeemedme2425
Phew, i am very much relieved. I can well appreciate how frightening that experience is. I am very glad that your mum is doing better (and no doubt will be in the best of care with you looking out for her best interests).
Are you doing something to decompress after that stressful situation?
I just want someone to take care of me.
Not really. Just finished a drawing, but that was more mental compulsion, not decompressing.
@jesusredeemedme2425
*Comforts you* You deserve to be taken care of, and your worries and burdens be lifted off your shoulders. Not because I think you cannot handle them, but just because you give so much of your energy towards looking after the needs of others that someone should do the same for you too.
I think it is great that you are drawing. Even if it doesn't exactly function as decompression for you, I hope it stills offers enough distraction to maybe turn your thoughts away from the most anxiety inducing elements for a while. May I inquire what sort of things you have been drawing?
I’m so empty and broken… I just want to be taken care of
The one I finished was a drawing of an origami squirrel.
@jesusredeemedme2425
It is very hard hearing you are at such a low ebb Kiara. When you say that you are empty and broken, my heart goes out to you. No-one should ever have to feel that way. Why do you feel you are broken?
(I really like the idea of a drawing of an origami squirrel. Such a creative and inventive idea)
I Feel Like crying but like… on the inside. The ache. But I don’t have the urge or the ability to cry. Does that make sense?
@jesusredeemedme2425
It does indeed. That pent up feeling and no way to vent it must be very hard to reconcile. The ache as you describe it is something i wish it was within my power to just dissipate for you. I don't think it makes you broken...you are hurting, but you are still an amazing human being.
I went to get the car when she got discharged, and I just sat there for a moment and uttered a groan from deep within my soul… A sound of pain and sadness and… something. Deep and sorrowful and hurt.
@jesusredeemedme2425
It sounds like this is more than just the stress of worrying about your mother. I am still worried that you spread yourself very thin with always trying to make others feel better. As I have suggested before, I would not dream of saying that is something you should reign in, as I think from what you have intimated, it seems very important to you. But I just wish there was some way you could take more time just doing things solely for you. Things that you take pleasure in, and that can distract you if even for just a little while.
Idk how anymore. Idk how to even have fun anymore…
@jesusredeemedme2425
That makes me very sad to hear. I wish there was something I could say that might help. Is there not some things that bring you a level of pleasure or bring a smile into your life?
Yeah. Just… not tonight.
@jesusredeemedme2425
*Comforts you*
Idk how to let out my emotions, the ones I can physically feel in my chest, the ones that burn and hurt like mad on the inside. Letting them out isn’t me. I’m “Kiara you’re so strong, I admire you, you’re always happy and good-natured, you never show pain” while I’m also “no one sees my bleeding, shattered heart, I cry on the inside, my physical health is suffering because of my emotional abyss, I’m struggling to function on a daily level and no one sees the absolute h**l of what I face every day…”
@jesusredeemedme2425
*Comforts you and sends caring thoughts your way to hopefully soothe the rougher edges off of some of those feelings for a while*
@jesusredeemedme2425
Just checking in to make sure you are doing okay and that your mother is recovering well.
We’re both alive.., I’m worn out and Mom isn’t well.
@jesusredeemedme2425
Sorry to hear your mother is still poorly, and that you are worn out. I can imagine how much of a toll things are taking on you, especially considering your empathic nature.
Do you or your mum have much in the way of a support network who can lend a hand to give you a little time to catch your breath?
Not really. I might hang with a friend on Friday, but I don’t have anyone who can help out closely.
Look up a Frillback pigeon. They’re so pretty! <3
I just counted all my penpal chats, and if I counted right, I have 25! Lol
@jesusredeemedme2425
Awww, that are cute..curly critters.
I hope you have a nice time hanging with your friend if things pan out for you on Friday. You deserve a rest and some recreation time.
25? Wow, that is some serious dedication. Does that not get too much for you?
Right?? Lol
Thanks :)
I knew you were going to worry XD Some write every day or so, some of them only pop their head in every so often, and some… IDK if they’re even active anymore, because I haven’t heard from them in many months. So it’s actually a lot less than you think. :)
@jesusredeemedme2425
Well as long as you do not overwhelm yourself. I hope you know if it ever does get a bit too much I would not be offended if you needed to drop this one. As much as I enjoy conversing with you, I would not wish for you to stretch yourself thin trying to reply.
*Smiles*
Absolutely not! I LOVE talking to you <3
I have a challenge for you :)
@jesusredeemedme2425
A challenge? I am all ears.
I challenge you to make a penpal chat with someone new :) Give them an “out” if they don’t want to or don’t feel comfy, like I did with our chat :) Make a new friend! <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
That is indeed quite a challenge, for I am acutely stifled by decorum and have a strong aversion to imposing on anyone's time. (Plus although I might be clothed in clanky plates of steel, my insides are still squishy, and the thought of annoying someone or being rebuffed is quite a fearsome prospect for me).
May I have some time to pluck up my resolve and think on whom I might ask?
Lol, I’ve been there too, but I’ve since realized that people LOVE surprise penpal chats, and they love being noticed and loved <3
Absolutely! <3 Any ideas?
@jesusredeemedme2425
Hmmm, I share an interest of poetry with AzurePond, and I find her very witty and interesting (but i think I saw that they already might have a penpal or two). PineTreeTree is also another person who makes me smile with their wit (though i do not know if they would be up for the penpal thing), Tinywhisper is a very kind and funny person whom i am sure i would enjoy conversing with (but they already do so much, perhaps it would be a burden to ask them to engage as a penpal). BlueDarkAurora has always struck me as being a very pleasant person (but i believe they are a Listener, so I am sure they are probably far too busy already). 7Bear7 is another great human being (but I think they were writing their 7Cups story thing, so might not appreciate a further distraction). So, in essence....not sure.
You are absolutely overthinking this, Mr. Negativity ;)
Pond and Pine are fun :) They’re both in and out, but they’ll respond when they can.
Tiny LOVES new friends! :)
I have no comment on Blue, because I don’t know them well lol
Bear is the sweetest and I think she’d love being your friend :)
Another couple of ideas:
Torean and cyanessence. Two incredible guys who love deep convos! Torean has a really goofy side too <3
Crickets. ;)
@jesusredeemedme2425
I know, I am a terrible procrastinator when it comes to things I find intimidating *smiles sheepishly*. But I have not forgotten the challenge.
How are things with you and your mum? Are you managing to get more r&r, or are you still feeling frazzled?
Lol why is it intimidating?
Mom is slowly getting better, and I got a LOT more sleep last night, so I was bursting with energy at work today :)
And how is our Brave Knight doing? :)
@jesusredeemedme2425
I am so glad to hear you mother is doing better, both for her sake and yours. It is very stressful when someone we care about is poorly, and you situation sounded especially worrysome, so I am glad you have been able to get more rest.
I trust your work is being understanding and making allowances for you as you are taking care of your mum? I imagine being at work might help distract a little and get you into a different headspace for a while, and hopefully let you put your worries aside for a while.
Still, try not to spread yourself too thin Kiara. We all know you are a champion, but even legends need to take a breath now and again.
In answer to your questions; I find it intimidating because I am hyper conscious of the thought of ever making an imposition on others. I always endeavour to put myself in others shoes, and try to think how they would feel. I suppose also there is an element of not wishing to embarrass another person which in turn would embarrass me also.
As to how BK is doing: how could a person not be doing good when they have such excellent examples to follow such as yourself and the others on the forum?
How is the drawing going? Finished many new masterpieces yet?
She’s been having a hard day today, but I think it’s getting better. The longer it goes, the more insights we have into what may be causing it, so that’s helping slightly. :)
Yeah, work has been really understanding <3 And work IS really good for getting me out of my head lol
I’m a champion?
I am spreading myself thin.
Ok, you’re not the only one who’s said that to me XD I challenged another guy to do the same, he felt like he was being a burden to others. But he did it… And the people he made penpal chats with LOVED it! They were so excited and honored that he wanted to be their friend <3
So remember that. You are literally honoring someone by desiring their friendship <3 You could make their day! <3
Lol, good point hehe
I haven’t drawn anything today… I should. What should I draw? :)
@jesusredeemedme2425
Really sorry I did not reply sooner, I have just been flitting back and forth between appointments. It is good to know that work has been treating you well, but sorry to hear your mum was having a bad day.
As to what thing you should draw, hmmmm how about drawing a few of the people who are important to you as animals (complete with accoutrements/accessories/hairstyles/etc?
I just wanted to give you a heads up (I’m sending this to all my active penpal chats):
I’ve been on 7Cups a lot lately and typing is bothering my carpal tunnel. I’ve also been reaching burnout, and haven’t been accomplishing things I want to do lol!
So I may be slow in responding, while giving my hand and my mind a bit of a rest. Please be patient with my slower responses! <3
ALSO… If I ever take longer than maybe 5 days to respond, the notification may have disappeared. Just send me a reminder post to send me a new notification, to remind me to respond :)
Thanks for understanding! <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
Rest! You have mentioned several times you are spreading yourself thing and now you are typing when you have carpal tunnel!? Naughty lady. Rest up, relax, and give your wrists time to recover. We will all still be here when you are feeling restored....but no more pushing beyond your limits.
*looks mock stern*
Wishing you and your mum feel better soon. Now go and take it easy *Smiles*
Thank you! :)
I wanna see you making a new penpal chat <3
Why won’t you tell us how you’re doing?
@jesusredeemedme2425
Bastion is a very dull topic to bore you excellent folks with. Besides, with great people like you and others like you out there in the world, how could anyone not be doing fine? Thus surely BK must be fine without it being mentioned.
*Smiles*
No. We all give and receive love here. We are all also honest with each other. So be honest with me. How are you really?
@jesusredeemedme2425
In the spirit of preventing you from worrying and adding another unnecessary stress to your day, I am fine. I am clad in plates of steel, have a large shield to fend off any woes, and am big enough and ugly enough to fear no beasty. *Smiles*
I can handle anything, ...so no stress okay?
Basti. What’s stressing is the fact that you won’t be honest with me. You’re hiding your true self and that makes me sad…
@jesusredeemedme2425
I sincerely apologise, it was not my intention to make you sad or aggravate. My focus is always to try to maximise the wellbeing of others, and where possible shield them from whatever unpleasantness the world might possess. It is in that spirit of protectiveness towards you all that perhaps sometimes I am not forthright.
I concede that perhaps I was blind to the notion that not saying anything might make others feel uncertain and assume the worst. I do always try to show a smile to reassure, but I can see how this might not be sufficient always. Again, I am very sorry if you felt I was not being honest, or if it caused you undue worry...that was the exact opposite of my intent.
I am also very conscious of the fact you have a lot going on lately, and as such I just wanted and still want to help make things feel a little easier and uncomplicated for you. Thus why I say that there really is no need to be concerned about anything in BK's little piece of the world. When others rise, I revel in their victories, and when they stumble, I hope to be there to assist them finding their footing once more if they wish it. It is my purpose.
Also, talking about myself always feels selfish, especially as there are so many more interesting, important, of just plain intriguing things that could be focussed on. I hope my answer is not infuriating or unsatisfying. But if it is, please know it comes from a place of care for you.
*Smiles reassuringly*
I want to know how you’re doing. I care about you. It distracts me from myself. I don’t care if it’s negative. I care that it’s from the heart, that it’s true. It feels like I’m living a lie when the other person won’t open up to me
@jesusredeemedme2425
I feel like you put yourself under far too great a weight of expectation; holding yourself to account beyond what is reasonable. And I completely empathise with that way of being. My taciturn and deflective nature is in no way a reflection on you.
But as I can see just how much you are hurting, and if it will bring you some level of distraction I will try to be as forthright as I can; I am doing okay. I am in a degree of physical pain, and am frustrated at the rate and results of the progress of my rehabilitation. I have a few things worrying me, but none of what I have now said is in any way something I cannot handle.
Now we can pack that bundle back up and put it away inside Bastion's breastplate, and give full attention to Kiara. It worries me that you grind yourself into the ground trying so hard to please everyone and treating your own needs as secondary. I get the whole helping others as a distraction, i truly do. But please, reassure me that you are not pushing yourself beyond your limits because you think we expect it? Because we really don't....we want our good friend Kiara to be happy and healthy.
Has anything changed with your mum?
Was that so hard?
She’s doing somewhat better.
@jesusredeemedme2425
(Much harder than you might imagine, but It was done because I care about your feelings)
I am glad that she is doing better, even if it is a small amount. Has anyone given either of you some more concrete information as to what is going on with her? I am sure uncertainty is as stressful as the condition itself.
Why was it hard?
She went to see the doctor today, and he had some good insights, got her on a medication that might help, etc. So hopefully it will help :)
@jesusredeemedme2425
I am so relieved to hear that she has been seen and that whatever they are doing might make things easier for her (and the both of you really).
Is you mum's health all that has been bothering you though? It is no small thing, but I got the impression that there was a lot more going on that was making things especially challenging at the moment. If you cannot or do not wish to say, i understand. But If you ever do want to get things off your chest, I want you to feel there is an open invitation.
Why won’t you answer me…
@jesusredeemedme2425
*Smiles kindly* You are the priority at the moment. Full speed ahead for the comfort boat towards Kiara island...maximum effort!
(I deflect reflexively. Besides, it is a knight's duty to put the needs of others first at all times, and a friend's impulse to want to soothe where able. But to put your mind at rest, I will give an answer, though perhaps not as satisfying as you might like; The reasons for it being hard are convoluted, deeply ingrained, and also not worth the breath it would take to explain them. They are truly nothing to worry about. I promise).
Just so you do not think I have stopped replying if you respond to this message, I am having to get some sleep (Bastion has now been up for 21 hours and I have another hospital appointment in a further 6 hours time, so I need to get at least a couple of minutes shut-eye *grins* But I will check in again later today. Rest well, and wishing the best for you and your mum.
Hm
Night
I’m sorry for intruding on your chat
@jesusredeemedme2425
*Comforts you* Hush now on that score Kiara. It was no intrusion, and I would not wish for you to feel that way. Things are clearly proving difficult for you, and from the various signs it sounds like it is getting a bit much.
So if you want to tell me about it, I am here. If you just need (or just want) comforting, that is also fine. You lead the way, and I shall walk beside you.
What signs?
Sorry, i was in a bad mental place earlier…
@jesusredeemedme2425
Just the things you have said, the small changes in how you write. Nothing huge, just small suggestions that maybe something was not sitting well with you.
You really do not need to apologise, especially not to me...ever. There is nothing to be sorry about. We just want to know what we can do to make the kind and generous hearted Kiara feel a bit better. How are you feeling at the moment?