Chat Between @jesusredeemedme2425 and @BastionKnight :)
I just wanted to say hi and maybe start a chat with you! Please disregard if you’re not comfy with it or don’t want to. No pressure either way! :)
I just had a breakdown… Sobbing. I’m a mess :’(
@jesusredeemedme2425
Do you want to talk about it or would just some quiet support help you best right now?
Both?
Stuff I can’t share, but it’s a lot of things out of my control, not enough rest and me time and silence, etc. Feel like I’m losing my mind from lacking so many things…
@jesusredeemedme2425
*Comforts you* sounds like a lot is coming at you all at once.
Idk how to handle it. I hate my life :’(
@jesusredeemedme2425
That sounds like some very heavy emotions. Is something making things especially challenging (you don't need to tell me any details, I am not pressing for info, just trying to understand why you are having such a difficult time)?
I get the impression from things you gave said in the past that things can build up and build up for you until it gets too much. Is that what is happening at the moment? I get the feeling that you ask a lot from yourself...maybe too much sometimes....it doesn't look like you treat yourself with the same kindness you show others. Is that a fair assessment do you think?
Just doing too much, not having control, not having rest. Hard to explain suitably without sharing details.
Yes, the build up is real.
It’s not me as much. It’s just… too much responsibility.
@jesusredeemedme2425
You have frequently seemed to me to be someone who is constantly pushing themselves...whether it is drawing even though your wrist hurts, making lots of posts here, responding thoughtfully to lots of other forum messages, not to mention your real world responsibilities. I guess that must be exhausting sometimes, even if some parts are also helpful to your sense of self worth and mental equilibrium, it seems it still might be emotionally taxing sometimes.
Is there any possibility to maybe just try and find some quiet time just for yourself, without any other duties or responsibilities intruding on that time?
Trying. Responsibilities usually cut into that time, though.
@jesusredeemedme2425
Trying is good enough. Small steps complete exactly the same destination as large strides.
Trying new art techniques <3
Steps to where? I’m stuck. I’m so many ways…
@jesusredeemedme2425
Does there need to be an end goal or destination?
I can understand how inertia can be frustrating or down-heartening. Why do you feel stuck? Is there something that you feel is the most pressing cause for you not being able to move in the directions you want to go in?
Yes.
My stupid life.
@jesusredeemedme2425
Hmmm, is this the same life that you are using to make other people smile with your interesting posts and supportive comments, uplifting others for no reason beyond that it is the decent thing to do and they need it?
If so, that doesn't seem that stupid to me.
If there were no impediments to you having exactly the life you wanted, what would it look like?
Besides changing the things I can’t discuss… I want to reverse my prediabetes.
Also I wanna read more. Thinking about blocking my access to certain social media because it’s rotting my brain for hours on end.
I wanna be a better Christian and actually WANT Jesus.
And I want to do WAY more art! And different kinds!
And go out and do things. Even alone. Maybe a restaurant and a book and art. Done that before. Gotta do it again.
And sleep. That one’s harder due to my circumstances and because my prediabetes makes me chug water.
I want my mental health back!!!
@jesusredeemedme2425
I notice that your descriptions of what you would ideally like your life to be are all comparative; do more, do less, be more, be better. I think you are holding yourself up against a host of bars that you are setting very high. I get the impression that makes you very unhappy, because it seems like it is all or nothing...if you don't achieve what you think you should, you punish yourself with these comparisons.
I think your ongoing efforts to put your prediabetes into remission is an admirable endeavour. Dealing with the thirst and portion control / balanced diet is not always going to be easy or fun, but I have confidence in you. Just don't beat yourself down every time you think you aren't doing the right thing.
The lack of sleep thing is a tough one. I doubt anyone will deny that when sleep is disrupted or lessened for any reason, it just adds an extra layer of difficulty onto normal life.
Maybe it might be helpful focussing more on making small gains in the direction of those aspects you listed, rather than looking into the distance at the end goal; having lower blood sugar readings for a week, going to bed earlier/not looking at a screen before bed, taking a hiatus from social media for two days in a row, that sort of thing. Doesn't need to be huge changes...success is success whether great or small.
I believe in you.
What else am I supposed to do?
I literally just wanna survive.
I hate my life dude
Sleep doesn’t get better.
Meh.
I’m being attacked by a mosquito tonight. HE JUST BIT ME AHHHHH IT ITCHES!!!!! I have like 2-4 welts so far. Can’t tell. Trying SO HARD to smack him, but dude’s a NINJA :( So miserable rn
@jesusredeemedme2425
The beastly pest! I hope you have managed to ward off the bitey beasty now?
Yeah, but his relatives keep moving in. literally scratching another bite as I type this XD
@jesusredeemedme2425
The cheeky blighters. You should charge them rent!
How have things been for you lately? (Other than the itchy insect bitey irritants).
Better. Learning by trial and error to make (and keep!) boundaries. Eating HFCS when I shouldn't. Headache arriving soon lol
How about you???
@jesusredeemedme2425
Boo to headaches! I hope it wasn't too unpleasant for you.
What are HFCS?
Well done on your working towards setting boundaries. It isn't always an easy thing to do, so kudos to you.
Apologies that I have not been around so much lately to cheer for you and all the other good folks here. BK has been in his own head a lot, and that is a cluttered messy place indeed sometimes.
I have been trying to think up words for my sister's funeral. The one thing I usually can do (well, not good...but not terribly anyway) and yet when I need to get something written, words will not come. There may be just an incy winch teeny bit of panic, as I have only tonight to think of something. But I'm sure I will manage.
I hope things have been treating you kindly.
It always is lol
High fructose corn syrup.
Boundaries suck. They hurt. :(
I'm so sorry... Are you ok? Tell me what's going on hugs <3
Awww... I'm so sorry. That's so hard. Were you two close?
How did it go?
Im ok. Sleeplessness makes me depressed for no reason, I'm learning.
@jesusredeemedme2425
Sleeplessness is a kicker...it throws everything out of synch. I empathise entirely.
Is it particular setting of boundaries which you are finding challenging or just boundaries in general?
Although I haven't commented on them, I did see your several posts about ED. How are you handling things? I did hear you in the past when you spoke of finding it hard not to binge. You often spoke quite harshly about yourself Which made me sad as you seem to have such a benevolent attitude towards the world in general. I also noted that you stopped commenting on feeling lonely. Has something changed for you or is it just you are feeling more comfortable with your situation?
Sorry there is a bit of a gap between my responses. BK is just doing BK things, passing through stormy waters and raising his head up again once they are passed. Tomorrow is the funeral. BK will be all fine and dandy after that, with smiles as normal.
It's by choice. I cant complain honestly... I choose to stay up too late.
Just in general.
Eh its been ok, not great. Binged on ice cream tonight, didnt feel good after.
Im always lonely. That never changes... :'(
Im so sorry... How are you holding up?
Why do you feel that you need to always be cheerful? Why do you not allow yourself to show your feelings?
@jesusredeemedme2425
Staying up late is something I can completely empathise with...besides, all the cool magical stuff seems to happen when the world seems fast asleep.
I cannot speak against your ice-cream foray (after all our long absent friend Tiny was quite the champion of that comfort food). It's just sad to hear it makes you feel not great about yourself. Likewise, it is not fair that you always feel lonely. I wish there was a wand that could be waved to make it all better, and if I ever find it I shall get it sent to you asap.
I'm regards to your question, I am doing okay. BK is always fine. As to why I feel I always need to be cheerful, I guess it is because there is enough challenges in the world without me adding to them. "Be Excellent to each other" is a quote I adopted as my personal mantra a long time ago. Be good, do no harm, and spread happiness.
As to why I don't show my feelings, experience has given me lessons. Besides, a smile is an easy expression to remember, and Bastion is too simple a creature to remember more than one emotion at a time, so it might as well be a smile. *Smiles*
But also, nothing happens when its late lol
Did you see Tiny's post???? <3
Thanks!
I feel like you're not going to heal if you dont express your emotions. That armor will slowly destroy you...
@jesusredeemedme2425
I may have indeed missed Tinys post(s). I presume she is back or has otherwise graced us with her cheery self once more? I do hope so. I miss seeing her frequent amusing posts. But that is the thing with life, is it not...people get busy and distractions eat up time. I like to think that when people we care about on cups don't post for a while or go silent that maybe it is because they are living their best life and are happy. It's what I wish for them anywho.
As for my armour, fret not...BK is always fine *smiles*
Check your notifications, because I did tag you hehe
Yes! She came back and shared her recent art. She popped back out again tho, as she's working on herself, and will ninja post randomly every so often, in random places, as proof of life hehe
***TW*** I worry that people who disappear... aren't safe.
Oh, BK... It makes me sad that you won't share your emotions. Holding it in isn't healthy. Thats exactly why all of us are even here in the first place... We need a safe place to share. <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
Don't feel sad. Perhaps I am just too much like Lewis Carroll's Alice; I understand very much the wisdom in the advice I hear, yet I very seldom follow it. *Smiles*
It pleases me greatly to know the Tiny artist is once again starting back and forth within Cups. I can very much appreciated it when you say you fret over how people are doing when they are absent from Cups...that is why I try to always hope for the best, and wish them luck.
I care about you.
Shes not back, just dropped in.
@jesusredeemedme2425
*Smiles*
I binged on purpose tonight.
@jesusredeemedme2425
How do you feel about it?
I felt bad. I usually do. But I also often dont care. Like tonight.
@jesusredeemedme2425
Was it a particularly tough day or something upset you? When you say you don't care, does that mean you are beating yourself up about it or is that frustration talking?
Either way, there is always going to be some days that go to plan and some days that don't. Just like the messages on many of the things you have posted in various forums, progress isn't always linear...back steps aren't defeat, they are just another stepping stone along the way.
No, sometimes I just legit decide that I'm binging that night. I just stop caring about whatever. Idk why
Sometimes its hard to see the truth of that in my.own life.
I've been feeling very icky inside at church lately
@jesusredeemedme2425
Icky? How did you usually feel there, (I am presuming this was not the way you always felt there)?
For a long time really
I have almost no one there who cares about me. Or so it feels
@jesusredeemedme2425
That sounds very sad. What makes you think they do not care about you? You are such a caring individual yourself that I am surprised to hear that there would be any social circle that would not be eager and happy to count you amongst them.
Sometimes it can be hard to *** cliques, and feeling like the outsider can be very lonely. Do you have anyone amongst the congregation that you feel more friendly towards?
Idk
Was that word pene*trate? Lol
Not really
@jesusredeemedme2425
It was indeed that word. I didn't even spot that it had edited out.
If the community/congregation doesn't make you feel good being with them, why keep going? Is it that you feel obliged to, or is it that you hope things might change?
