Chat Between @jesusredeemedme2425 and @BastionKnight :)
I just wanted to say hi and maybe start a chat with you! Please disregard if you’re not comfy with it or don’t want to. No pressure either way! :)
@jesusredeemedme2425
Hello Kiara, I am checking in as I said I would. So sorry I could not stay longer last night. As it was I could only get a few hours sleep in the end anyway, but I made my appointment so all is ticketyboo.
How are things looking today? I read on one of your forum posts that your wrist is playing you up some more, but that you are striving on regardless...I would give you a mock stern face and tut at you hurting yourself for the sake of making your lovely posts to everyone, but I understand how posting helps you too... so instead I shall just hope you are taking regular breaks to give your wrists a little rest and have analgesics to make it more comfortable.
What has Kiara done today just for herself though? I think you are well overdue some pampering, even if it is just something small like a luxurious bath, or a favourite snack. Just something to get those endorphins flowing and ease away some of those worries.
I am thinking of you, and still keeping my fingers crossed that everything settles for you and your mum. Please, please, please don't feel compelled to reply. I know your wrist is sore, and I will understand completely if you need to rest it. You do what is best for you, and I will still be here regardless of the time that flows between, as if not even a moment had passed. *Smiles*
I haven’t done much of anything today lol, but I did get dishes done :)
I’m glad you made your appointment! How’s Basti feeling today? (The REAL answer…)
Don’t forget to add a nomination to the new post! <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
You did DISHES!? I always hoped one day to be able to do those. Look at you and your rock and roll lifestyle *grins* Those folks going to Disneyland or hanging out on tropical beaches don't know what they are missing.
Basti is feeling fine. I was a couple of minutes late, but the hospital was very busy so it didn't make any difference. It was pretty quick and I am now hooked up to a little monitoring device, so I feel a bit like a secret agent or undercover police officer. I am still a tad sleepy, but I will be doing my physio routine in a while so that will wake me up a bit.
I will indeed add a nomination at some point on the new post, but first i need to get over my jealousy that you got to do dishes! *throws a mock tantrum*
So what super nice thing are you going to do for Kiara as a reward for all her ongoing efforts? (And "nothin' ", "nada", and "nix" are not acceptable choices) *Smiles*
You don’t do dishes?
What are they monitoring?
Sounds good hehe
Why are you jealous??? Lol
Uhhhh…. Idk. Posting obsessively to the point of hurting my hand? Lol
@jesusredeemedme2425
Well, I pretend I don't do dishes. The dishes and I have an arrangement...I won't scour them with wire wool if they will release all the imprisoned food remnants when i sloosh them around in warm soapy water and scrub them. And neither they nor I speak about it. *smiles*
It is just the latest bunch o' fun fun tests. This time, 24hr heart monitoring. I also have to fill in this fun table too.....feels a lot like homework to me...i am not amused *Grins*
Hmmm, the posting is certainly something that seems to bring you and others happiness, so i can't complain about that...but I would still like it if you were doing other things too that kept you smiling,...things that maybe didn't make your wrist ache.
Hehe
I had a heart monitor for 2 weeks myself. SOOOO itchy lol
What kind of table?
Like what?
@jesusredeemedme2425
Two weeks, yikes. I can imagine that was inconvenient. Mine was just 24 hours, but I love my morning showers (and the monitor is not waterproof) so I had to make do with a wash, which made me feel really greasy (I have long hair down to my lower back and so if I don't wash it regularly, it quickly looks grubby and oily).
The table was just a time/event chart...so basic symptoms and the time they occur, and activities at the time. Nothing too onerous, but just a little bit of a hassle. But like i said, only 24 hours so no big whoopdewhoop.
As of now, I am enjoying a few hours of being lazy before my next doctor appointment, and then later I shall get cracking with writing up more game session stuff for my nephews for the weekend. How about you, what are your plans for the rest of the week? How is the wrist and your mum by the way? And how are you managing? I was meaning to ask, other than pain relief, are you getting any other treatment for it. I sympathise entirely, because it is a pain that is very limiting. I remember just how difficult it made my last job, and it didn't get better for me until I had the steroid injection in the wrist. Soooo, thus my concern for you when I imagine you typing furiously and wincing with discomfort as you try to spread as much love to everyone as you can.
Hope you are having a smiley day, because you bring sunshine to everyone.
Yeah, showering was fun with it on. Lol. Pretty sure I ended up partially wetting the thing lol
I can’t picture you with long hair lol
Yeah, I had to do that too.
Game session?
Working lol
Mom isn’t doing well.
My wrist is ok, but not great.
Not really, I use Tylenol and a wrist brace as needed.
I text on my phone, and that hurts too.
Ehhh smiley? Not really today. Kinda.
@jesusredeemedme2425
So sorry I did not get a chance to write to you sooner. Last few days have been manic.
*Wonders how you imagined me in your minds eye....what hairstyle came to mind? mohawk? pompadour? buzz-cut? A perm maybe?* I haven't cut my hair in about 10 years or so, might even be longer...it is so long that I cannot remember exactly.
I hope things have changed for your mum for the better since last you wrote to me. (Forgive me if you have already written updated news elsewhere on the forums, but i have started from the bottom of my list of things to check and so if i have missed anything from you, i do apologise). Are the doctors doing anything to find out more about what is keeping her unwell, or treating it? I do not mean to pry, so if that is something too personal or just something you do not wish to discuss please ignore my questions.
Hmmmmm, naughty lady. I know full well how painful carpal tunnel can become, and you are indefatigable when it comes to getting on typing out love to everyone on the forums and trying to get us all to engage with each other. I can only imagine how much you are putting up with when it comes to your wrist...and hearing you do it all only with some mild pain relief and a wrist brace makes me wince in sympathy for you.
I am very, very sorry I am only seeing your message now that you were not having a smiley day when you replied to me. So here is a whole cartload of belated comfort for you. I hope this week has started a little kinder towards Kiara.
Be gentle with yourself, and please, please, please try to not aggravate your wrist too much.
Best wishes for you and your mum.
Tonight’s challenge: Go knock out at least one “Needs Reply” post <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
Yes ma'am. I might need a bit of time, but this is on my radar.
Thank you! Take your time <3
I was thinking about doing an interview series with members and listeners. Thoughts?
@jesusredeemedme2425
That is a really interesting idea. What prompted it?
I’ve read interviews posted in years past, and found them intriguing. I want us to do the same :)
@jesusredeemedme2425
I think it is a really excellent notion. Have you got some ideas as to the sort of questions you would be asking? Would there be a recurrent theme with the interviews or rather just something more freeform and organic?
Did you see my post? ;)
Did you want me to add you to my taglist, btw? Did I ask you already lol
@jesusredeemedme2425
I hadn't seen the post, but I have now. Please feel free to add me to your tag list
*Smiles*
Yay! :)
How’s BK??
@jesusredeemedme2425
Fine and dandy. A wee smidgen stressed, but nothing I cannot handle. How about you? How is the wrist holding up?
What’s causing the stress?
Wrist hates me lately lol
@jesusredeemedme2425
*Sends you soothing vibrations to ease the wrist soreness*
Nothing big, just got a long trip coming up in a few hours and my back is not feeling too good. Have to get up early to try to rearrange some appointments which have come up last minute, and I am not feeling prepared for anything. All will be well though, and I am sure things will look better after a few hours sleep.
It’s my fault… I’ve been using my wrist too much. I love drawing…
Remind me… What landed you in the hospital? I forgot what exactly happened.
I’m sure it will :)
@jesusredeemedme2425
awwww, you poor thing. I cannot blame you for wanting to draw though, creativity should always be encouraged. Just a shame it is aggravating your wrist and causing you discomfort. Did it bring you pleasure doing though? If so, then it is worth it.
(Spinal surgery was what I was in hospital for)
Now I have to get back to getting ready. Bus. busy, busy. Hope you have a lovely weekend.
I love making Christmas cards…
It does. :)
What happened to your spine?
Have fun! <3
I’m struggling…
@jesusredeemedme2425
*Offers hugs to bring you comfort*
Sorry I have only just been able to reply. I got online as soon as I was able to check in. I was worried that you may have been pushing yourself too hard. Do you want to talk about it? Or would you prefer distractions to take your money Nd off things? Or would just unconditional comfort and care best help at the moment? Tell me what you need my friend, for I want to help if I am able.
Idk, I’m typing with my left hand atm lol. Right hand is screaming with pain…
@jesusredeemedme2425
*Sends soothing thoughts to hopefully speed up the right wrist's return to something more comfortable*
I get the impression from the post you gave about burnout that you are not being/not feeling appreciated or supported by those you would wish to or should be looking out for you. It makes me feel very sad to hear it because you truly deserve to be treated with the same kindness and devoted attention as you always bestow on others. Now if we can only find a way to help you change down a gear...it always seems like you are running at full throttle and it doesn't seem to make you happy.
I don’t have as many real friends as I think I do.
@jesusredeemedme2425
I am sorry to hear that. Maybe quality over quantity is more important? Perhaps only a few real friends is worth more than a whole host of acquaintances? Why do you say that you have few real friends though? Do you not feel very close to many people, or is it something different? Someone as kind hearted as you certainly deserves many, many good, dependable friends.
What’s my next move? I did some hygiene self care and I was thinking about creating a playlist, since mine disappeared once I deleted a music app. What else? <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
Sorry it is taking me so long to respond (where I am has very spotty cell reception so internet access is very intermittent). I am glad that you have managed to take some time for self care. The playlist compilation sounds like an excellent idea; a nice distraction and maybe a little cathartic listening to the songs as you make your playlist? I wouldn't mind knowing what sort of songs Kiara recommends. Do you make your list under specific themes or moods, or is it just a general compilation of songs that you like and which call to you?
As to what you might do next...maybe a little walk? Get some fresh air and some sunshine? Or maybe organise your drawings into a folio? (And feel proud at all the great things you have drawn?).
Do you have a favourite food type or signature meal that always makes you feel good or is comforting? Maybe make a shopping list/plan for a day you might make/ get it for yourself as a treat?
I am sure you have already come up with way more interesting and creative ideas than this. Hoping this message finds you well my friend.
No rush on responding! I know you’re busy. Take your time <3
Would you like song recommendations? :)
Just a general compilation.
I use my drawings as Christmas cards lol
I don’t have kitchen access.
Feel better soon <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
I would looooove song selections (it is always interesting learning snapshots of other people's tastes and preferences...and it is always fun when being introduced to new songs/music that otherwise I might never know about).
Hmmm, I making a favourite meal might be very challenging indeed if you do not have kitchen access. I imagine that must make daily food prep a bit complicated. Hopefully you can still have snacks that don't require any major preparing and can still be satisfying.
I have managed to get a few moments logged on to the WiFi today, but the signal is very sporadic (the place I am currently is very rural, but the countryside is very beautiful and sooooo warm). I have managed to swim a little bit (the first time in nearly 6 months, and the first time since I had my operation), so I am so pleased with what I managed to do.
I think it is so lovely that you draw your own Christmas cards. It is so much more personal than a bought card and I think that makes it all the more meaningful. I bet the people who receive them really appreciate the effort you got to.
Hope you and your mum are doing okay, and that your wrist is starting to become a little more comfortable. I shan't ask you to take it easy (as I understand that lots of what you do makes you feel better in some ways even if it drains your energy/causes you discomfort in other ways). Instead, I wish you comfort and care, and the support of those who know you and think you are awesome.
Take car Kiara, and I hope to speak with you again soon.
Try Wompa by Fonik. It’s got an intriguing twist ;)
Nah, we just eat microwaved meals and salads lol
It sounds beautiful <3
How was it, swimming after surgery? Was it comfortable?
I think they do… I hope they do.
My wrist feels a lot better, thank you! <3
Thank you… I appreciate the fact that you understand how loving makes me feel better! <3
I feel better knowing people here love and support me… When my actual life is a roller coaster, it helps to have this steady place, people who love me no matter what <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
Huzzah!! Glad to hear your wrist is feeling more comfortable... (That doesn't mean Kiara is a free licence to overtax herself and make it hurt again *smiles*).
Sorry I have not replied sooner. The problem with having poor internet connection and trying to reply on my phone is that messages disappear from my flagged list if I click on them but then lose connection (I am sure I have missed multiple posts from several people since I have been away from home). I will be back home in about a weeks time so things should get back to normal then.
Swimming has been fine so far. It is still a bit sore when I overextend, and the day afterwards I feel very stiff and uncomfortable, but it is all progress so I am pleased. Plus seeing all the amazing fish was really fun and calming.
How are things with your mum? I hope it is not still getting on top of you.
As to microwave meals, I think they are underrated. Many has been the time the trusty microwave has provided me with a nice, comforting meal in a fraction of the time it would have taken me to cook it from scratch...and with far less effort. So yay for microwave meals!
If I miss anything you post before I get back home, I hope you will know it is not intentional. You are thought of, and I am wishing you and your mother all the best.
Speak to you soon
Does anybody hear her?
@jesusredeemedme2425
Hear who my friend?
I hope it is not you who is not feeling heard. If it is because of my slow reply time later, I want to reassure you that you are heard and you are thought about.
Me.
No, not you… Did you see my other post?
@jesusredeemedme2425
No, I am sorry, I must have missed it. Where was it?
General, under recent. There’s 3 of them
I had a panic attack tonight
@jesusredeemedme2425
Oh no, I am sorry. Are you feeling okay now? Do you want to talk about what set it off or is distraction better for you?
Please don't feel ignored if my responses are slow that I am not paying full attention...until I get back home on the 27th, my ability to read and respond is still limited. But you are still thought about even if I cannot reply quickly or consistently yet.
It was a migraine that felt different.
I love distraction hehe
Aww no worries, and thank you! I’ll be here when you come home <3 Which is tomorrow hehe
@jesusredeemedme2425
Grrr to naughty migraines!! You have my sympathy, as I am well aware how unpleasant they can be to endure. I have known individuals who get nauseated and/or become light intolerant as well as suffering the horrible pain, so I know they are not a small thing to have to deal with.
Hope you are all discomfort free and sparkly good now though.
*smiles*
Hi :)
@jesusredeemedme2425
Hello my friend,
I got back and crashed out, and yesterday was a bit of a write-off too, so today and i am playing catch-up. I hope you are doing okay?
No worries! Take your time <3
Eh kinda :)
Wyd?
@jesusredeemedme2425
What am I doing? (was doing/is doing/did maybe?) I had around 50 messages i needed to check (some of which were no longer on my notifications and so i had to trawl through a few forum posts trying to find them to read them. Plus I have had lots o' chasing appointments with the doctor/hospital. All fun fun fun.
I am in a slightly better position now, and luckily have access to my computer again. Visiting family is nice and the location was peaceful, but being without a stable internet connection did pose it's own set of challenges. So in many ways it is nice to be home again.
How are thing going with you and your mum?
Oops lol
More appointments?!?
Better position?
What kind of challenges?
Mom’s on and off sick, I’m ok lol
@jesusredeemedme2425
More appointments indeed. Nothing noteworthy, mostly just doctor and hospital ones.
By better position I just meant that I am no longer having to try to do all my correspondence on a phone with the signal cutting off every ten minutes or so. I am far from being a tech-head, but not having access to a computer for some jobs is just that little bit more difficult. Thus me saying things had been challenging. So I am especially glad to be at home with a keyboard and monitor once more.
*Smiles*
I am sorry to hear that your mum is still having tougher days, so I am hoping she has more off-sick than on-sick ones. And what about this OK business? Ok, as in "I am hitting all targets like a boss, not letting anything get me down"? or OK, as in "smiling and pretending but not okay really"? or something in-between? You know you do not have to put on a brave face with me.
Fun lol
Yeah, no internet = no fun hehe
More off-sick right now <3
Ehhhh in between? I have a crush on a guy and it’s confusing me…
@jesusredeemedme2425
A crush? That is lovely, but why is it confusing you? Surely it is something that brings you a measurement of happiness? Is your paramour aware that you have a crush on them or is it something that is a sweet secret that only you know? Your comment that things have been 'in between' makes me wonder if the crush is part of the good feeling stuff or maybe part of the more complicated emotions. (If my questions are too nosey, please say the word and I shall ask no more)
I am sorry to hear your mother is still having a hard time. I think it is a good thing she has someone like you in her life. Your attentiveness and kindness certainly are a boon for those you care about.
You must stop overthinking things. I like when you ask me questions <3
Because idk how I feel exactly. It’s a mild crush. A mutual one. But he’s not the kind of guy I can see myself with either…
He’s definitely aware :) I started crushing on him when I realized he started crushing on me <3 Tis a sweet secret indeed :)
Good feeling stuff? Explain.
I get cranky tho…
@jesusredeemedme2425
Awww that is really sweet. The fact that you both have a crush on each other is really a very nice thing to hear. Why is it that you do not see him as the sort of person you might end up being with? Maybe the very fact that he is not someone you might usually anticipate as a paramour might actually make him a better fit than expected...for whilst it is true that like calls to like, opposites too can sometimes attract.
If he makes you happy, and vis versa, then I hope things blossom in a way you might both like it to.
But if in the end you decide it is not to be, well, at least you can enjoy the pleasant sensation of knowing that someone you like also likes you too. I am so happy for you both, no matter the outcome. The world needs more loved-up people...it makes everything seem that much rosier and happy. *Smiles*
He gives me a “not so educated” vibe (which is weird because i have no actual proof of this), and… idk. I just don’t… feel it hard enough? Like, it’s a small crush, not like I’m in love, kinda thing. Does that make sense?
@jesusredeemedme2425
I can understand that. If you do not feel like you gel on an intellectual level, and if that is particularly important to you, then I can see how that would be a stumbling block. And as you say, not wanting it hard enough certainly points to it being more of a crush than a potential love interest. It sounds like you have a good grasp on your feelings in this matter, so perhaps just enjoying the mutual mild attraction between you and your crush is enough? Just enjoy all those lovely endorphin feelings without having to be concerned about it moving on to anything more. As long as you both are happy, that is all that matters. (Awwww, I still think it is very sweet. You deserve something like that to give an extra little boost of pleasant feelings to your day. You enjoy your crush to the max!)
I know me. I’ll take it further, even with only tiny feelings.
Not like in a weird way, just like… Pursuing him more. Trying to get to know him better. That kinda thing
@jesusredeemedme2425
I cannot see anything wrong with that. If anything, it shows that you are open minded as you keep an open view even if you do not feel that your crush is someone who might fit an exact ideal for you. And if it is making you happy and your crush is happy, there is no harm.
You have wisdom and insight, and a very kind heart. As long as you let those aspects of your personality guide you, I am confident that whatever you choose to do will be for the best.
Saw him today. Crush almost gone.
@jesusredeemedme2425
Oh. That seems sudden. Is it a good thing or a bad thing? I know you mentioned before that perhaps you did not mesh on an intellectual level. Was their also no chemistry between you two or did he say or do something that put you off? How are you feeling about the crush fading?
Remind me to respond when I have more time and brain power lol
@jesusredeemedme2425
*Gives a little wave*
I did not wish to impose upon your time earlier as you seem to have a great many things taking portions of your time. But I thought I would reach out t catch up with you so that you would not feel that you were forgotten.
If it is not an imposition, may I enquire how things have been going lately in camp Kiara? Did the crush diminish or has there been a continuation of the status quo? (Or maybe a suit of suitors all eager to earnestly earn the enthusiastic endorsement of the elegant Kiara?). Have things improved for your mother? I hope both you and her are in a more comfortable position.
Do not worry about responding rapidly. If you want to write a few word back sometime when you are not busy or feel in the mood, then that would be awesome. Other than that, I am wishing you bag loads of happy and a full forest of fun.
I am soooo sorry… I didn’t realize I hadn’t responded!
Crush is back.. But waveringly. There are many guys interested in Kiara. I think…
A grew many things? Please… Work, the internet, and books take up most of my time. Nothing exciting. My life is so unsatisfying…
Mom is on and off lately.
How has the amazing Bas been lately? <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
No apologies necessary. So the crush is back hmm? I am wondering what this gentleman is doing that makes your feelings seesaw so. As long as it is bringing you happiness, that is all that matters.
And go team you, with all those extra guys being interested in you! That must be quite the ego boost to know that your qualities are admired. It just goes to further reinforce that you must be an interesting and sympathetic person to have multiple people seeking your affection. Awww, I am very happy for you. *Smiles* Do any of the guys have the potential 'it' factor for you? Either way, bask in the adoration and let others uplift you for a while. You certainly deserve it.
And what is all this talk of your time on the internet and reading books not be exciting!? Reaching untold numbers of strangers from leagues away with just your words every time you post sounds pretty darn exciting to me. And all those wonderous places and adventures that books take you on...how much more adrenalin do you need? *Grins*
I can understand if ones situation can feel monotonous, especially if changes are not immediately present on the horizon. So if you could change something about how things are now, what would you change to make things more satisfying?
Sorry to hear things are not better for your mum. Did you ever get any more info from the doctors about why she is poorly? It seems a very long time to be left in limbo. I would understand if that was adding to the frustration factor.
Bastion has been okay. A few hiccups, nothing I cannot handle. Bad dreams. But as always I am clad in steel and impervious to anything. *Smiles*
It was so nice hearing from you again. Keep being your everyday superb self, for it makes the world all the more shiny.
It is definitely a minor crush, not something that would last. But he did admit that he likes me <3
Definite ego boost hehe
No, no it factor. :(
Right??? Also, you need to read Paper Things, and The One and Only Ivan. They’re soooo good and heart-changing <3
Hmm… Maybe going to YA Bible studies. I’m so isolated outside of work lately…
Her stuff has been mostly undiagnosed. :(
Do hiccups hurt while wearing steel? Hehe
Awww, bad dreams? How come? :(
Are you ACTUALLY wearing steel? Lol
If only you knew me in person… I get so grumpy and snippy. :(
@jesusredeemedme2425
Awww, it is still sweet, minor crush or not *Smiles* Enjoy it for as long as it continues, and I hope it makes you both feel happy and appreciated. And Enjoy that ego boost *Grins*
Shame there is no spark for you with your admirers just yet. But who knows what the future brings. Maybe something might change or maybe another paramour is yet to come on the scene. I am very excited for you, *hums "Love is in the air" by John Paul Young*.
Paper Things, and The One and Only Ivan...check. I shall have to see if my library has them.
Isolation is no fun. All work and no play makes one crawl up the walls. So is there anything that is hampering you going to the YA Bible studies group meetings? Or is it just that you hadn't decided if you were going to dedicate the time to it just yet? With your reading list posts, I was wondering if you had considered maybe joining or even starting your own book club where you live? I was a member of one that got started at a place i used to work at, and it ran for a few years. But it was also good for just socialising too, and I still see former members of it from time to time in a social capacity.
Nah, hiccups don't hurt whilst wearing armour...it just makes me jingle-jangle like a sleigh at Christmas. Of course i am wearing steel...that's what knights do *grins*.
The bad dreams? Just a bit of a loop...Nightmares disrupt my sleep, which in turn leaves me more exhausted and elevates stress a incy bit, which means i have more instances of sleep paralysis, which makes me more tired during the day, more stressed, and thus more nightmares. Fun, fun, fun. Buuuuuuut, on the silver lining side...it certainly makes sleep time a lot more interesting. *Smiles*
I do not believe for a moment that you are the grumpy, snippy persona you seek to make me believe you are. I think maybe you hold yourself to too high a standard which makes you think you are snippy. But I can see how considerate and kind you are.....far from a grumpy guss...You are a ball of fluffy niceness.
Nope. He gave me a cop out. -_-
Maybe… idk.
Does it have them?
Laziness lol
Book clubs sound infinitely boring. Having to read books at the same pace as other people? It’s like homework…
Do you write down your dreams?
Nah… I’m cranky. A lot. Lol
@jesusredeemedme2425
A cop out? That sounds a bit deflating.
As to the books, alas my little library doesn't but the larger city library might. I have not had a chance to go there yet, but when i do i shall be on the prowl for the books you recommended.
I had the very same reaction when I was offered to join a book club. I thought it would take the joy out of reading if I had to do it to a time frame. Luckily i was proven wrong; We met every two to three weeks so that gave me oooooodles of time to read. Plus it led to me reading a whole bunch of books i never would have sought out myself. The fun thing about the club i was in was no so much the reading, but the getting together to share ideas and thoughts on the books, which inevitably turned into long rambling conversations on a whole host of topics (some even related to the books we were reading *smiles*). But I understand that it isn't necessarily something for everyone. Each to their own preferences.
I have not written down my dreams, no. I remember my nightmares clearly, so haven't really had cause to write them down. Why do you ask?
*Smiles* Well if you want to see yourself as cranky, who am I to argue. But I still think you are a kind-hearted and considerate person.
Hope you have had a pleasant and easy-going week and that your weekend is relaxed and populated with things that bring you smiles.
I’m actually kinda glad. It was just a minor crush after all.
Are you still hurting?
I meant the other way… I would finish the book before the others got to chapter 2 lol
Remember any good books from the book club?
Have you looked into any of the books on my tracker? Hehe
Idk, it was just a question hehe
Thank you :)
I’m reading sooooo much lately <3
What have you been up to? <3 Besides doctor visits, of course :)
@jesusredeemedme2425
Moi, hurt? I don't know what you mean...BK never feels pain *Smiles*
Hmm, a few that stood out were The Wasp factory, Cloud Atlas, Rivers of London, The Hippopotamus, Our Man in Havana, and Tess of the D'Urbevilles.
I haven't managed to read anything from your tracker as of yet. I have only been to my little local library once (as it is a bit of a trek for me on foot), and have not gone into the city proper to the big library. I will keep them on my radar though.
I am pleased to hear you are reading so voraciously. I am all in favour of reading. Nothing expands the mind quite so easily as exposure to the ideas of others.
As to what I have been up to, research for potential career opportunities once i am fully up and running. I have also been spending a fair bit of time with my nephews which is great because it gives me license to act as immature as I want to. Tried out a few new recipes ideas, and made one glaring mistake on one of them when I picked up what I thought was peanut oil, and instead used concentrated chilli oil...an error I quickly realised as I brought it up to high heat and turned my kitchen into a confined box filled with thick smoke that doubled up as pepper spray.....so after a thorough airing (and much rubbing of very sore eyes) I vowed to be a tincy-wincy bit more attentive when grabbing things from the cupboard.
BK needs to be more honest with Kiara. Kiara doesn’t like it when people aren’t honest with her. :(
Never heard of most of those lol
You know… You can read books online hehe
Exactly. <3
Acting immature is fun :)
Ouch. Don’t do that again lol
@jesusredeemedme2425
*Smiles*
Read books online? Without the pleasure of the feel of paper on the fingertips and the scent of library dust on the pages!? Never! *Grins*
I have noticed you seem to be particularly prolific on the forums lately. I take it your search for activities outside of work have not borne fruit just yet? I know you have made it clear you get a lot of fulfilment from feeling proactive in helping others on the boards, but how are you doing? I hope you are setting enough time aside just to look after your own requirements and just chill out and relax.
@jesusredeemedme2425
Your latest posts on the forums sound like you are having a really hard time at the moment. What has you so down at the moment? You can talk to me if you want to.
Sorry, I’m really behind on notifications…
I’ve made some really sucky choices lately… And I’m not sleeping well or eating well… Isolating… Stressed… Exhausted… I think I may have a cavity too, causing pain, and the car is out of commission again…
What is rest?
I don’t even have the words to convey what I’m dealing with every day… A dark pit, where all you can hear is your breathing and all you can see is darkness. Nothingness. Fear. Anxiety. Numbness…
@jesusredeemedme2425
I am really sorry, i feel awful that I did not see your message sooner. My weekend was very busy and so i did not get a moment on my computer. I am truly sorry to hear you are having such a hard time.
You have mentioned elsewhere also previously about making 'sucky choices'. Are those things you have had to do but didn't want to, compromises that you regret, or decisions and acts that you wish you had not mind with hindsight? It sounds like whatever it was, you are looking at yourself with a very harsh microscope. I understand it, but it makes me wish i could take those thoughts and feelings away for you for a while so you could get some respite.
Tooth pain is some of the absolute worst imaginable, so I empathise entirely with you. It makes it hard to think, to concentrate, to take pleasure in anything...not to mention had exhausting it is as it robs you of comfort and rest. You poor thing, that is really a horrible thing to suffer with. Any chance of getting a dentist appointment some time soon to see if anything can be done? Regardless, i hope you have some painkillers to make it a bit more bearable.
Your words about the nothingness make me worry for you my friend. No one should have to feel that depths of unhappiness. What has you particularly stressed? I know how everything can feel like it just mounts up and up and up, but is there some way that maybe some of the things adding to your stress and anxiety can be portioned up into smaller, more manageable chunks? I am fumbling blind here, as I do not know exactly what is the situation(s) that are making things especially tough for you right now. If you need to unload or vent, you have an open invitation to do so with me. But please do not feel that I am trying to pry or push for you to say things you would rather not. Just want you to know there is a friendly ear waiting should you need it.
In the meantime I am airdropping a blanket raid of supportive strengthiness and vibrant vim vibes to help in the short term.
Please let me know if there is something I can do to help.
Basti, I feel yucky… :( I have the flu :(
@jesusredeemedme2425
Awww, poor you. Nasty flu *tries to shoo flu away with an anti-flu broom*. I hope you are tucked up in bed with warm drinks and comfort food close to hand.
I am sending you as much antiviral vibrancy vibes I can muster to help you recover all the faster.
You don't have to go to work still do you? (That would be horrible, having flu AND still having to struggle through with work). Snuggle under the covers, use soft tissues so your nose doesn't get all sore, and make sure that people pamper you until you feel better.
No work, I called out.
And now heat exhaustion…
@jesusredeemedme2425
Heat exhaustion too? Things are not going smoothly in Casa Kiara. Is it time to break out the stack of ice cubes and a hand fan?
Cold water and 3 fans. Still feeling lousy lol
@jesusredeemedme2425
Just keep thinking cool thoughts. *Smiles*
I’m just trying to keep myself from a panic attack over the nausea.
@jesusredeemedme2425
It sounds like you are having a really hard time. Just keep practicing whatever grounding techniques work best for you, and try to treat yourself as gently as possible until it all passes. Flu can really hit hard, so it is no wonder you are feeling very fragile. Are you making sure to stay hydrated? Maybe the best thing is just try to rest as much as possible and sleep as much as you can (easier said than done I know when you feel overheated and ill).
I shall have a word with the wind to see if it will bring you some cool breezes to aid in your comfort level.
Nausea gone. <3
How is Basti? <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
Yaaaaay, no more nausea! First step towards Kiara feeling all giggly-good once more. Wahoooo!! *Smiles*
BK is fine. I have started a training course, and so have been doing a lot of studying. Feeling a bit stretched at the moment, but that is no big thing. BK is always fine, for how could he not be when he has excellent people like you and others to talk to. *Smiles*
Check my newest post under general. Beware the TW…
@jesusredeemedme2425
My poor friend, things are sounding so horrendously hard for you at the moment. There was a lot you put in your post that hit very hard, and I cannot imagine how it is all affecting you. Even such a raw post with references to the deep pain you feel, still makes me very proud of you. For even when you are in such darkness, your attempts to articulate it show that you are still fighting on. It might not necessarily feel like it, but the act of reaching out in such a way is still an act of defiance against the urge to give up and just let those feelings overwhelm you.
With the best will in the world, I am sure that these words will not change how you feel at this moment. But I hope that when the skies become brighter for you, maybe you might look back on them and see the slivers of truth that could not be seen when under such a heavy weight of despair.
I cannot deny that I was a little concerned about some of what you wrote. Please, please, please if things do reach a point where it is feeling overwhelming, think on what Kiara would recommend to someone she saw in such plight. Signpost yourself to the resource which is best suited to helping you in that moment. You are cared about by so many people here, and we only want you to reach the happiness that we know you deserve and that seems to be eluding you at the moment. We want our motivator Kiara to be safe, and secure, and be able to see herself as we all see her.
So what is the next step do you think? It sounds like you have been trying multiple things to reach for that elusive something which will boost your self image and satisfy the loneliness, and I applaud you for all the things you have tried. Kiara is too awesome to be defeated, so what might be the next tac to try and get back on track? It is a horrible sensation to know that someone you respect is hurting and yet feel powerless to be able to take that away for them. Deep down though, as comforting as that idea might be for me, and whether or not it might hold appeal for you, I am confident you do not need it. I believe in your own strength and resilience. What you have gone through, what you have endured and what still throws up challenges for you, you are dealing with just by continuing to be you. That is a series of small victories each and every day. And all of those came about because of your own merit. I remain very proud of you.
Awww <3
At the very least… I think I’m through with men right now…
I’m safe. I’m always safe, don’t worry <3 No matter how hopeless or sad or whatever I get, I never get to that point. I used to. Not anymore. <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
It is fair enough if you are feeling that you are through with men. I can understand that. And thank you for the reassurance that you are safe. I sense from your response that there is much more unsaid, but I respect your privacy and would not pry.
I hope your experiences will not make you feel you have to be closed off. I can well imagine that the urge to build walls of defence can be very tempting. It is perfectly fine to be just you, and you do not need a partner to complete you. You are amazing as you are. But if one day you do feel you are ready to again seek out a companion, I would like to think you will keep an open mind to any and all possibilities available to you. For who knows what the future brings.
But for the here and now, what sort of things do you feel would help combat the lonely feelings and bring back your smile?
Men are abusive.
Unsaid? How so?
I want to build walls… I need to build walls.
It’s hard to keep an open mind when you’re afraid of being beaten.
I… don’t know. :(
@jesusredeemedme2425
It makes a lot of sense that when one has received mistreatment it colours the perception of further interactions. If further experiences are also similarly abusive or even just unpleasant, I get why the expectation of that always going to be the case is the viewpoint which is reached.
All I would suggest is;
Not every flower is red
The wind does not always blow from the west
Just because a table has legs, doesn't mean it will run.
I am probably the last person to offer advice on not building walls *taps my own breastplate and helmet*, and if you feel they are necessary at the moment, then do what you must. Ultimately you know what feels best for you. Maybe though if those walls go up, you might think about putting in a few windows to keep an open view, and a door should you ever decide that the wall is no longer necessary for you.
*Sends comforting vibes your way* It is indeed hard to keep an open mind when one has suffered cruelty. I would just like to hope that you can live your life without whoever did you harm being able to influence your happiness. When they get to live rent free inside your head, or their memory limits your choices, then they win. They don't deserve that, so I hope that they get their eviction notice and are swept away with the mighty broom of new beginnings.
I can blabber on and on, but I am aware that it is easy to say, harder to feel, and can seem insurmountable sometimes to do. But you strike me as a determined and strong individual, and so I have hope. What would Kiara say to Kiara if she did not know her and could see how you are feeling right now?
Is that why you chose your username?
I don’t know how to install windows…
I don’t know how to evict them.
Idk, maybe the same thing. Don’t let them win…
@jesusredeemedme2425
Whooops, my most sincere apologies. I must have missed the notification that you had replied. I am very sorry. I hope you did not think I was being rude or ignoring your response.
My username has several facets, but yes part of it does indeed reference my tendency to build walls as defences and clad myself in metaphorical armour.
I very much empathise with that feeling of not know how to keep an open view when all one wants to do is entrench and keep out anything that might hurt. I think Kiara advising Kiara would be very kind and understanding indeed, for I have seen how you treat others and try to encourage and foster a sense of self worth in them as well as always trying to empower them to be able to tackle their challenges...so I think saying "Don't let them win" would surely be only the tip of the iceberg of the sort of positivity Kiara would deliver.
I don’t mind how long people take to respond… I know they’re busy, and I’m still here when you come back <3
What caused the metaphorical armor?
Do you wear literal armor?
I want to curl up in a ball and be forgotten sometimes. While also wanting to be remembered. I love and hate being invisible at the same time… Is that weird?
@jesusredeemedme2425
Awww, thank you for being understanding about response times. Your attitude towards it is very wise and considerate. I still like to respond promptly, as I always wish people to know their feelings are being taken into consideration and that they are not an afterthought.
As to what caused the metaphorical armour, it is a long, convoluted tale....and very, very boring. Suffice to say, once it was up it has become a nature that is very hard to act contrary to.
*Smiles* I have on occasions worn literal armour. I used to use a photo of myself in my plate mail as my profile image. I have even made my own chainmail shirt in the past (making chainmail is an exercise in patience and very sore hands!). So yes, BK does wear literal armour.
It must be challenging resolving that dissonance between wanting to be seen and unseen at the same time. I don't think it is weird at all. It can be very hard on self esteem to feel that one is invisible, and yet there is a sense of safety from being hurt by not drawing the attention of others. I guess in many cases, people just are looking for the goldilocks zone of attention...one that is self affirming yet not threatening. I think when someone has been hurt in in the past, it complicates it further, as fostering trust also muddies the water of what sort of being seen is tolerable or unpleasant. Like I said, I don't think it is weird at all. It is very understandable and I am sure many people relate to the feelings you describe.