Chat Between @jesusredeemedme2425 and @BastionKnight :)
I just wanted to say hi and maybe start a chat with you! Please disregard if you’re not comfy with it or don’t want to. No pressure either way! :)
I feel like a fat greedy whale.
@jesusredeemedme2425
I sincerely hope you mean you are contemplating having such a creature as a pet, because otherwise those seem like very harsh thoughts indeed.
What is bringing on these emotions Kiara? I guess that the last thing you want when you are feeling like this is for platitudes. So how shall we reframe this so that you can lessen the more negative aspects of these feelings?
It has been clear for a while now that you are not feeling like you are in a great place emotionally, so it is totally understandable that frustration, disappointment, and other negative thoughts and feelings can end up being turned inwards into high levels of self criticism. When we feel this way, even things which we normally could handle or brush off can become huge deals. I am not suggesting what you are feeling isnt valid (all feelings are valid, even if the thoughts behind them are not necessarily true), rather it is understandable how things become more overwhelming when one is already in a fragile place.
Self image...particularly body image is a real stinker to deal with. We are daily bombarded with unrealistic images of a fictional ideal, and that can't be good for anyone's ego. All that commercialised guff can make how we look seem to have way more importance than it truly does. We have an ideal self in our minds, and it is frustrating that we are always being given this barrage of loaded notions of what that self should be. It just leads to feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and shame. That seems very cruel and unfair to me.
I am inferring that there has been some behaviour that is exacerbating these emotions? You are eating when you think you shouldn't or you are eating things you feel you shouldn't? I really know the feeling. Eating is comforting (babies become lethargic as they feed). Mouthfeel of food, smells, and tastes can all trigger our reward centres. We don't always eat just when we are hungry, and we do not always feel hungry just because we need food. In short, eating feels nice for many of us. It can give us a quick fix of pleasant sensations, and when we are feeling at a low ebb sometimes we just need that. That isn't something to feel guilty about, it is a totally relatable experience. If health is also an interconnected issue, it can further conflate the dissonance between the pleasure and the sense of guilt...we can think "why am I doing this?"....and we then feel bad....as if we have done something wrong or it is a failing....it really, really isnt. When we think "why am I doing this" very often what we actually are saying to ourselves is "Grrrr, YOU are doing this AGAIN!". I think that is an unfairness to ourselves. I cant imagine Kiara or any kind person would ever say that to another person...so why are we so harsh when we look at ourselves? And it totally misses the point of the question...i.e. What is compelling us to do what we are doing. It isn't greed, it isn't weakness. Seeking something pleasant is what every single human does every day (and i am pretty sure most of the rest of the animal kingdom does too). Maybe it is more important why choose this particular serotonin booster and why is it causing bad feelings.
Also my most amazing and considerate friend....just because we feel like something, doesn't mean we ARE that thing.
Also, whales are awesome! Champions at holding their breath...a blue whales heart is the size of a car!! (That sounds like the capacity for a whole lotta love)...humpbacks can do a 16,000 mile round trip each year just as part of their normal lives (I defy even the most hardened gym enthusiast to compete with that)...and some species of whale can use bubbles (bubbles!?) to create 'nets' to corral fish and catch them (and no matter how many bubbles I blow in my coffee i still have not managed to capture even a single chocolate biscuit with that technique!).
*Offers a supportive hug* I am sorry that something has made you feel this bad. Tell me how I can help.
I eat like a cow. Constantly. Can’t stop. Stomach gradually inflating. I feel gross looking at and feeling my stomach.
And I barely weigh anything…
@jesusredeemedme2425
Could it be possible that your perception of your physical appearance is maybe more about body dysmorphia than extensive changes to your tummy? (I am not saying it is, I am just asking if it might be possible as your comments about you weighing barely anything had me a little worried for you my friend).
Why do you feel gross? Do you feel that eating is making you less attractive or less healthy? The language you chose is very self critical and it shows how deeply upset you are. How do you think you might change something right now to try to arrest what seems like a bit of a downward spiral regarding self image? Not huge goals or overly harsh and unreasonably strict objectives, but something that can give you a few quick wins to help try and turn these feelings around.
Having had first-hand contact with someone with a severe eating disorder, whatever you are feeling, please don't suffer in silence. I am not suggesting this fits your situation, nor making any sort of guess or judgment about it. I just recognise the same sort of feelings I have heard voiced before by someone else, and so want to show you support and solidarity.
Explain.
I definitely don’t have anorexia lol! I’m a healthy weight for my height. My weight hasn’t changed, I’ve just inflated a bit.
…now I wanna go weigh myself and see if that’s still true lol
I feel fat and out of control.
Like what?
@jesusredeemedme2425
Thank you for the clarification. I hope you did not take offence. I am relieved and pleased to know you are a healthy weight. *Smiles*
So I take it that the eating is more stress eating or because you already feel unhappy? You have had a lot of really stressful things happen in your life, so it is natural that one looks for something to compensate. You recognise that your weight is normal for your height, so why would you believe you are fat?
With anything that brings us pleasure, it can be hard not reaching for it when we are at a low ebb. If eating to a level you feel is beyond what you want to be doing is making you have negative emotions and thoughts about yourself, maybe it might be worth looking to see if there is another activity you could try when you feel the urge to indulge? Sort of break the cycle by replacing it with another activity you find more acceptable and which hopefully with time can become habitual and second nature.
I am sorry, I am not sure what you are referencing when you asked 'like what?'
I just checked, I weigh less than I thought lol. But still healthy :)
Food is one of the only things that makes me happy, with trauma and PTSD and mental illness and deep loneliness.
Because my stomach feels big and it hurts often.
What kind of activity?
Changes. Wins.
@jesusredeemedme2425
I am totally with you on the power of food as a balm when one is stressed, feeling at a low ebb, or as a salve for loneliness. I really get where you are coming from there.
I can only speak from personal experience, but when I had to rapidly lose weight prior to surgery (I am pretty tall and had done a very physical job before my injury, so not a small chap). Anaesthetic is safer when one needs less...big guy, needs big dossage...so for a safer surgery I had to drop weight. However, eating is comforting, and i found trying to avoid the temptation to eat very challenging. So for me, when i felt the urge come, I would seek out an activity that kept either my mind or body totally occupied until the craving went away. So for me it was gaming, doing ground exercises, and/or drawing. The urge usually passed after about 30 mins to an hour or so. I found more passive things like reading were a little bit less effective than when i had to actively concentrate and take action. It did not make it dissapear every time, and sometimes it still lingered but it felt less insistent. Bit by bit it became more habitual, and it did help me avoid eating when i did not need to. I also found drinking water when i thought i wanted to eat also helped. It gave a physical sensation, illusion of satiation, and was a quick and easy fix. Plus sometimes the body mistakes thirst for hunger, so it did have an effect even if smaller than the distracting activities. Those worked for me, but each person is different, and it can take some trial and error to find out what is most effective.
In regards to changes and wins, I am not in your shoes, so trying to guess what changes you might make to help with self image probably wont be overly helpful, as it is a personal and subjective thing. They can be as small as giving yourself positive affirmations, to expansive as join a particular sporting club, or try a particular diet, or spend 1 hour each day just pampering yourself and not thinking about anything or anyone else during your private hour. Wins are anything that gives you that moment of "Yes, I like me" or "Yes, I succeeded" or similiar feeling. They can be very fleeting moments, or more protracted. It isn't necessarily about having one life changing eureka moment, but hopefully as more wins pile up they gain emotional momentum which can then help keep you buoyant even when things are challenging.
I JUST overate again…
My problem isn’t snacking, but overeating at mealtimes. …I never realized that before. You made me think of it… Is that key somehow? How should I stop myself from overeating at mealtimes? It’s harder to do portions with the way I live, I just have the entire package/ whatever in front of me. It’s hard to stop…
I draw. It helps kinda. Active thinking distracts me. Passive doesn’t as much.
I have OCD… I can’t really not think about stuff often.
@jesusredeemedme2425
I can empathise with the problem of portion control when your choices for storage of prepared food is limited. When one already has a set package/meal set before you, it can be a real challenge to not just finish it all. Again, I have a few tips which I was told and worked for me, and maybe they might have some utility for you....eating slower: The stomach is stretchy and does not have much in the way of nerves to warn us when we are eating more than we need, so we rely on chemical changes in our bodies to give us the sated sensation (the reason why people in eating competitions can consume so much...because it is done fast). Eating slower, and without distractions like tv/phone/etc means you are more likely to hit that "nah, i'm done" moment before you eat more than you really want to.
I can understand if space is at a premium or you have limited or no access to refrigeration, but a lot of meals will be fine to eat later in the day even without being put in the fridge: Some tinfoil over a plate/packet and it can be kept for later in the day.
Partitioning is really helpful. I partitioned some of my meals into smaller Tupperware boxes (usually 3 as i would make food for lunch, and then have a box for dinner and a later snack). It felt easier to just eat what i had in the tupperware box and not want more, than when i didnt do it and had the full amount on a plate. Both were just as easy for me to access but i guess there was less urge to eat more as i only ate what was in the box rather than feeling compelled to finish a fuller plate.
At the end of the day you will be the best judge of what fits best with your lifestyle, and capacity. But again, if your weight is fine and healthy, It is likely your tummy is also normal (If anyone has made you feel that is not the case, they should have their snouts tapped with a rolled up newspaper as a scolding, and told they will get no biscuits).
Drawing sounds like a perfect choice as a distraction. It requires effort, concentration, active participation...and it is a really great creative outlet. Go team you! Passive distractions can be very hit and miss, so if they don't work for you, the drawing sounds like a really good idea.
OCD is a real pain, and I have absolute sympathy for anyone who struggles with it. I understand how limiting it can make life, especially when one encounters people who do not really appreciate just how much of an impact it can have on daily tasks as well as thought processes. I have family who had a really tough time with OCD before they eventually managed to secure help from a professional. They went through CBT to help, and it made a huge difference to them. Just try and be patient and kind with yourself...the same way you are to all the rest of us. No need to make your own life harder than it has to be.
I have a tiny fridge, so that makes food choices and storage more difficult. The freezer doesn’t freeze well lol
But… but I like reading while I eat! Hehe
I was telling Torean, I sometimes eat the rest of my food because I don’t want to put a few bites back in the fridge, or in a smaller container. How dumb lol
My doctor told me my A1c is 5.8, higher than my earlier 5.6, but diabetes is 6.5. So… it’s a mix of “I’m doing something right” and “I need to do better”.
I found AMAZING markers! <3
OCD sucks, but sometimes it’s helpful.
My life couldn’t be much harder.
@jesusredeemedme2425
Ah, I totally get the 'eating the rest of the food rather than' thing...for me it is not wanting to waste anything, even when I know I am full.
Yeah, I know the allure of reading whilst eating. To be fair, reading is probably better than doing something like watching tv or a movie, as at least it occupies your hands occasionally.
That is excellent regarding your average glucose levels. Don't forget that those levels can be effected by stress...stress releases cortisol and adrenalin which increases glucose levels. So it might not all be due to what you are eating or how much. 5.8 is still low, so well done you!
You found some amazing markers?..do tell. *smiles*
I love that you are looking at something in your life which is a challenge and turning it into a positive. Viewing your OCD as having a useful side is such a 'silver lining' attitude and that is great. I am proud of you.
*comforts you* It does seem very unfair that someone as decent as you has to have such a hard time. Every new day is a chance for something to make you smile or experience something pleasant....let's not forget, AMAZING MARKERS!! *Smiles*
Your overall tone in the last message felt a lot more bouncy and upbeat. I would like to think things are feeling a little lighter and easier at the moment? But if that is not the case, I am still very proud of you for making an effort to try to keep positive. Go Team KIARA!!!
I hate wasting food. I’ll eat anything tbh… It’s pathetic.
I’ve always read while eating, for decades. It’s a hard habit to break… One I don’t want to break!
That’s just it… idk how to reduce the stress. And the PTSD. And the fight or flight response.
Acrylic brush markers. Did you see my other post about them? <3
I feel that way about my autism too.
My brain doesn’t register true pleasure except on rare occasions. My brain is broken. Like… I can’t even feel the synapses firing. And I usually can.
Nah not really. Maybe. Idk
@jesusredeemedme2425
Why so harsh a lens on yourself? I see nothing pathetic about feeling compelled to eat because of not wanting to waste food. Plus If eating whilst you eat works for you, then you do not need to justify it to anyone.
It is very hard trying to cope with stress, and when you have a chronic condition like PTSD it can seem insurmountable. The frequent bouts of elevated hyper alternes and anxiety are exhausting, and when you have little in the tank for prolonged periods it makes everything so much more challenging. All I can recommend is try all the various grounding techniques and things to try to reduce or mitigate stress in the rest of your daily routines, see what works for you and what doesn't, and then hopefully that will make the bad days easier to cope with. And do not be afraid to speak to a professional if things seem like they are overwhelming. Sometimes we need help beyond just the stuff we can do for ourselves.
I have taken a look at some You.tube videos demonstrating Acrylic Markers after reading your post, and they do look very interesting. It is really lovely seeing your enthusiasm about them, and i am glad that you are pleased with them. I use acrylic paints a lot with my miniature and scenery painting, so I might try some markers at some point as i think they will be very helpful for some of the smaller details (I already use a magnifying headset when I paint very small details, but i think the markers might give me even more precision and control over the final result). So thank you for introducing them to us all.
mmmm...again using negative words to describe yourself....do you really think you are broken or is it possible that maybe Kiara just has a different approach to things than many other people? I very empathise with the feeling of being unable to experience pleasure, even on things one used to or thinks one should. That really sounds like one of the unpleasant parts of frequent stress. I wish there was something I could say that would take all that anxiety away for you and just replace it with pleasant feelings.
But to return to more upbeat things, I know you have said that you do not share your art because of being careful about your security (which I think is a very sensible approach), so maybe you could instead tell me what things you have been making with your markers and I shall try to imagine them based on your descriptions. (Only if you want to that is, if not that is also fine).
Have a very nice day and I hope the rest of your week is easy and pleasant.
Because I feel yucky about myself all the time.
Hyper alternes?
Im interested in text-based therapy. I’m poor though. Any ideas?
The markers are really good for tiny dots. I love that <3
I FEEL broken.
One of my latest was a monarch butterfly, with black and orange markings, with pale dots on the edges of its wings. The butterfly is sipping at two flowers, and surrounded by leafy vines <3 It looks absolutely PERFECT! I love how it turned out with these markers <3
How has Basti been? <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
Sorry to hear you feel yucky about yourself. I know it might not mean much hearing it, but I highly doubt you are yucky (I presume you haven't covered yourself in a mixture of compost juice, old mouldy teabags, and rotten eggs?). I would guess that you are far less yucky than you might imagine.
In my experience of others suffering extreme anxiety and also with ptsd, there has been the common theme of hyper-alertness; the constant state of wariness and subconscious attentiveness to stimuli. It is exhausting because it feels impossible to shut off. It's like being constantly on guard.
*Comforts you* Feeling broken is a hard thing to have to carry around with you. Can i ask, what is it about you that you think is broken? (You do not have to tell me if you don't want to, and also you need not give any details.)
Ah, the Monarch butterflies are so pretty. Those, Red Admirals, Peacocks, and the Comma butterfly are some of my favourites. Did you paint/draw it freestyle or were you using source material to copy from? Are the markers very easy to use? From what I saw on various vids the acrylic looks quite fluid (I am used to using more viscous acrylic paint normally). Cheers for the tip on using them for small dots. That will certainly make doing eyes on my miniatures a lot easier (with a paint brush, even with a thin tip, it can be quite fiddly).
Bastion is okay, thank you for inquiring. *Smiles*
Basti? :(
@jesusredeemedme2425
Hello Kiara,
What's up my friend? When you did not reply to my last message I presumed you had lots on your mind. I have seen your various posts about feeling lonely, and your frustrations with romantic attachments. Always keep in mind that you are an awesome human being; being kind and decent doesn't always get the results we hope for, or sometimes those result can be quite delayed. But even when things don't pan out as you wish, that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.
So, I am keen to know what are the bright parts of Kiara's life at the moment? You spoke about your discovery of acrylic paint pens...how have your experiments with them gone since? Are you still using them for your artistic creations? What has been your best day in the last few weeks and what made it especially more noteworthy than some other days?
I look forward to hearing from you,
Your friend, BastionKnight.
No bandwidth, overwhelmed, etc… Not trying to ignore you specifically. I’m SO behind on my notifications…
I haven’t used them much lately. Just some random marker and watercolor pen drawings.
Eh idk. Thinking good things happened and then realizing things may not be quite what they seem…
@jesusredeemedme2425
I completely understand about the feeling of being overwhelmed. I liked your description of it as 'no bandwidth', I think that is a very apt description. I did not take it personally when there was a hiatus with your responses. It is all fine, I never take offence nor think that it is targeting me specifically, so no need to explain. All that is important is that you do not feel like you have to stretch yourself thin and overreach, because that is a stress you can easily do without. *Smiles to reassure you*
You have not used the acrylic pens much lately? You were so enthusiastic about them before. Still, they are something in your artistic repertoire that you can always go back to. Do you do different sorts of drawings when you use watercolours? (I imagine because of their softer, pastel, often more translucent look that they lend themselves more to calm, gentle images)
Do you want to talk about the things you thought were good but are now are not quite as you perceived them to be?
Thank you <3
I’ve been using other media that take less thought and time. I use the fancy ones at home lol
Not really, they just don’t look as fancy lol
I can’t really :( Sorry!
@jesusredeemedme2425
*Smiles* No problem my friend, if you can't say, you can't say. No need to apologise, it's all good.
Instead, what can I do to make things feel that little be lighter and positive for you?
Wow. I legitimately didn’t realize/forgot you wrote this… I’m so sorry! Are you still around?? Haven’t seen you in ages <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
It is no problem. I am still here, and there is nothing to apologise for....i know just how active and involved you are here on 7Cups, and I am cognisant that you have real life stuff which no doubt takes time and attention, so I never begrudge times between replies. *Smiles*
I hope you are feeling less stretched since last we spoke?
Remind me next time hehe
I’m so NOT active here like I used to be…
Nope. Worse. Actually idk but I feel awful all the time… Eating disorder is going haywire too.
How’s Basti???? <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
Apologies for my slow reply.
I am very sorry to hear that things are feeling more challenging for you. Feeling bad all the time must be so draining. Is the eating disorder symptomatic of you feeling bad, or is it the major thing effective why you feel bad? (Or maybe a bit of both?). I saw your post on getting people motivated to try new things, and I read about how you started watching the documentary. Reading between the lines, I guess it is as much about motivating yourself at the moment as it is encouraging others...i respect that a lot. Not only are you trying to be proactive even when you might not feel like it, but you are trying to carry others along on your drive for motivation. I think it is not only kind, but also very wise too. Seeing others motivated can help our own sense of purpose. It is very easy to lose sight of goals or get demotivated when doing things alone, so making it a collective experience by getting people to post about the new things they are trying is a really clever idea.
I hope you did not take my comments about you being busy on cups and elsewhere as a spur to do MORE on cups. I am a little relieved to hear that you are maybe not as active on cups...not because your posts were not appreciated, but because I worried sometimes that you spread yourself very thin. You seemed to have a lot going on in your offline life, and it felt like you were running yourself ragged by giving so much all the time. Has a little less activity on Cups helped your carpal tunnel? I hope your wrists are not still constantly hurting.
As to your question, Bastion is always fine. But thank you for inquiring, it means a lot to me.
Both.
It’s mostly to motivate others… I wish everyone could have the same drive, the same unity. You know?
I’m drawing right now and it hurts soooo lol
Now… I know you’re not telling me the truth. Basti is not always fine. Basti is in pain. Basti is on this site for a reason… Please be honest with me <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
*Smiles*
Such a kind and thoughtful person you are, and insightful. I understand it can be a little frustrating conversing with me, but I wish to reassure you that my responses are honest. Your logic is impeccable, so I will offer an explanation that I hope will put your mind at ease;
Fine can mean a lot of things. Most people will not look too deeply beyond it, so it serves its purpose. BK lives by a very stringent code, and part of that is to do no harm and to utilise my strength to serve others. If I can handle something, it would be unkind to burden someone else with what is within my capability to tackle on my own. Furthermore, it is important to me that I only ever foster good feelings in others. If I ever make someone worry, or feel sad (I mean the unwanted sadness as opposed to the feelings engendered by reading a moving poem, or watching an emotional film), then I have failed them. Thus, I am careful with other peoples feelings. Besides, Bastion is big, tough, and ugly enough to weather anything. *Smiles* So you have nothing to be concerned about when I say i am fine.
I totally see how your post is geared towards motivating others, and i do not doubt for a second that it is your paramount intention with it. I just also think it is a very clever thing to do to keep you motivated too, even if that was not your specific intention. So kudos to you. *Smiles* I agree, it would be excellent if everyone could be of the same level of drive and unity, and i am grateful that there are people like you who strive to help in such a way. It always reaffirms my belief in other people when i see things like that.
By right now, do you mean right right now!? Wow, i bow to your multitasking skills *grins* I guessed you meant currently as opposed to as you were typing your message (although the thought of you feverishly typing with one hand whilst the other draws made me smile). What have you been drawing lately? Is it more Christmas cards? (I assumed it might be as we are getting closer to Christmas now)
That’s not how we roll here. ;) We share everything, good and bad. No hiding, even with the best of intentions. We can’t love on you or pray for you or comfort you if we don’t know what’s you’re dealing with, no matter how strong you say you are. <3
I mean like, in between posting hehe! I’m taking breaks so I don’t feel overwhelmed. <3
I just drew a jar full of fireflies <3
And… I’m working on NEXT YEAR’S Christmas cards. ;)
@jesusredeemedme2425
Next Years!? My goodness, you are so industrious! I am in awe.
A jar of fireflies? What a novel idea. I really like it, and imagine it would be very beautiful. Have you finished it or is it a work in progress?
I’m ahead of the game. Hehe
It was a relatively quick one, so it’s not like super exciting lol! It’s done <3
I feel disgusting and fat…
@jesusredeemedme2425
I am very sorry to hear you feel that way. It sounds like you are being very critical of yourself, and not being as kind and understanding towards you in the same way you are towards others. Why is that?
I am fairly confident that you are not disgusting...I think it would be ultra rare to find anyone who might even approach deserving such a harsh moniker. But that doesn't change the fact that is how you feel, right? So what do you think would need to happen for you not to feel this way about yourself?
I keep letting myself eat. Binge. My stomach bulges with food. It’s smaller in the morning once I digest.
I need to get over this food addiction… and idk how.
@jesusredeemedme2425
It sounds like a challenging cycle to break. When food becomes a reward or comfort, it is very difficult to get out of that dopamine loop. And I can understand how it can effect a sense of self worth and body image. I think it doesn't help that there is often a lot of diverse information on how to approach eating disorders, and that can be confusing, and disheartening if you end up trying a lot of thing but are not seeing the result you wish for.
You are the best judge of what works best for you...but saying that, do try to be a kind judge. A nice, lenient and forgiving Judge Kiara.
Is there something happening in your life at the moment that is triggering the compulsion to binge eat? I guess if things were all happiness and sunshine things might be different. Sometimes it can feel like an uphill struggle trying to deal with a challenge because it is a symptom of something else making us unhappy. Sort of like trying to bail out a bathtub with an eggcup whilst the faucets are still pouring more water into the tub...constantly trying to fix one issue whilst not really changing anything about what is causing it. And I get why that can also be a struggle itself, especially if the root cause is not something obvious, or if it is something we think we have no power to alter. Why is there not a handy magic wand that can just fix these problems? It seems dreadfully unfair that no-one has invented one yet.
On a totally unrelated note; as you spend a lot of time drawing Christmas cards, i was wondering if you ever contemplated the idea of maybe drawing your own bespoke Christmas wrapping paper? I don't mean like a 2 metre roll of it, but rather something like a large A3 sheet. I imagine that would be such a nice touch to a gift, having hand drawn wrapping paper. Just an idea.
Idk how to come up with a comparable dopamine fix. Emphasis on comparable.
It just makes me happy. Although rn I’m eating pie… and I don’t even LIKE it!
Eh, not my thing tbh. I don’t even wrap presents anyway lol. I barely even GIVE presents lol
@jesusredeemedme2425
I completely empathise with your struggle to find a comparable experience which will make you get the same dopamine bump. It is easy for people to suggest healthy alternatives like 'go for a walk' or 'read a book' etc, but as you say it just isn't a comparable experience. Food has a lot of things going for it that make it easier to turn to; pleasant smells, the sensation of eating, it can remind us of pleasant memories linked to past meals, it is often a convenient fix, even the feeling of satiation can be comforting. Our bodies are hardwired to find this cheeky fuel as an experience we want to repeat. So I completely understand how it can be a struggle to find something comparable. So what do you truly enjoy? I don't mean just things that you find pleasant or that are nice hobbies (though they too can be useful sometimes as distractions to avoid turning straight away to food). What things really absorb you or thrill you? I think you are right...when a compulsion is strong, replacing it with something less intense just isn't going to give a sufficient boost to really change anything. So where is your joy? What sort of things make Kiara feel alive and buzzing? Maybe that might hold the key to trying to locate what will deflect the urge to eat. Because it sounds like it makes you feel bad...if you are eating something you don't even enjoy just to be eating, and you are chastising yourself about it,...we'll, that is not fair on you. You are such a big hearted person, and you deserve to feel happy and in control. You are a smart lady, and I have confidence in you that you will find the best solution.
As to the wrapping paper thing, it was just an idea. I totally get if it isn't your thing. Are you getting excited yet about Christmas yet? All your artistic cards going to people who will get to enjoy your creativity and hard work...is it exciting?
Nothing. I have severe depression.
No… Kinda. I just wonder if it’s all worth it. If anyone cares. If anyone will even notice they’re hand-drawn.
@jesusredeemedme2425
I am confident they will notice. But even if they do not, that doesn't mean they will not take pleasure in receiving such a thoughtful and unique card.
I get the impression that drawing those cards provides you with some sense of fulfilment, so even if it is just an outlet for your creativity and a productive use of your time, it is still worthwhile.
I HATE myself for eating like a PIG.
Yeah yeah, I’m an amazing person, everyone says so. Then why don’t I feel that way???? Why do I feel like trash????
(I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at myself)
@jesusredeemedme2425
*Sends virtual hugs your way if you need them*
I did not heart those messages, not because I dont think what you said was important, but because it makes me sad to hear you feeling so harshly towards yourself.
I get you are mad at yourself. But why are you not deserving of understanding and some leeway? If i was eating what you are eating, would you dislike me for it? If you wouldn't, what is it specifically about you that makes it something that you cannot excuse for yourself?
Or if you would dislike me if i ate as you eat, what about it makes it so intolerable for you?
I am not trying to say that what you are feeling isnt valid, i am just trying to understand what your viewpoint is on it, as it clearly upsets you a great deal and i ardently want you to feel happy and good within your own skin.
I guess it’s more like I’m just frustrated with myself for constantly being out of control, and feeling sick, at my own hand.
@jesusredeemedme2425
I can understand that. It must be very frustrating to want to be a certain way and yet not always manage to achieve what you want to. Feeling that it is your own actions putting obstacles in the path of where you want to be must be very frustrating indeed, so I can appreciate how upsetting it might be for you.
It sounds like you are bestowing a lot of blame on yourself. Might that be the case, and if so is it really fair to you? You have mentioned before the various challenges which make life more difficult for you, and surely they have a large effect on your feelings and behaviour. Chastising yourself is only making you feel bad. Self reflection and a little analysis of our own behaviours is certainly helpful in regards to development. But if everything turns into a negative that is pointed at you, I would think that would just lead to a momentum paralysis. It's hard to tackle tougher things when we feel crushed down. Like you have said before, other people tell you that you deserve good things and that you are an awesome person...but one of the most important cheerleaders to have is yourself. I am not trying to suggest that all you have to do is say "rah rah Kiara" and all will be well, but it is a lot harder to keep persevering when we are our own harsh critic.
We all slip up. We all go through periods where we are not doing/saying/being like we want to. Sometimes it is for a short while, sometimes it is protracted. And when it is protracted it is really hard. But it can improve. I get that saying stuff like that doesn't mean much when you feel like you are at the bottom of a hole, but even if you only manage to be your own cheerleader for one day out of each week....that's still a significant thing.
We really need to find or invent that magic ***-fix solutionomatic device don't we? It would make life sooooo much easier.
I definitely blame myself.
If only food weren’t so comforting…
@jesusredeemedme2425
I completely get that. Food is just such a big comfort sometimes. It seems a drastically unfair oversight that all the especially comforting foods seem to be a bit less healthy. Why can't sugar and carbohydrates be slimming!!!? It's very unfair *smiles in sympathy*
It is a mature and proactive thing to take personal responsibility for oneself. But do try to keep a kind attitude towards yourself. Blame will probably not motivate very much, but it will make you feel bad...and none of us want our awesome friend to feel bad.
I’m so incredibly lonely…
How are you doing?
@jesusredeemedme2425
*Sends you comforting vibes* I'm sorry you are feeling lonely. Holidays can be particularly challenging, so I can understand if it feels worse at the moment.
Did you want to talk about it?
I just want to be loved by a man. And it’s always just out of reach…
@jesusredeemedme2425
It sounds lonely and disappointing. I can understand if it feels disheartening that it just doesn't seem to happen. Is not having a romantic partner contributing to looking at yourself in a critical way?
Is there someone you had in mind that it just didn't work out with, or is it more a general absence of someone suitable who likes you too?
Yeah, I feel unlovable, sometimes.
Kinda both.
@jesusredeemedme2425
I am so sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. I have had family over and could not get a spare second of quite time to respond.
Unrequited love is a really hard thing to swallow. It may be the inspirations for many a great poem, but that should be a sign of just how much it can hurt.
It is completely understandable that when you strive to make those sort of connections with someone and it doesn't work out, or there just doesn't seem to be the right person available, that thoughts turn to "What's wrong with me? Why am i unwanted? Why cant someone love me?". It is a relatable thought process, and a very unfair one too. It is a double whammy, kicking you when you are already feeling down. I wish I knew the words to reassure you that you are not unlovable, but I want you to know that the way you are feeling about it is still valid. pleasant words and reassurances can only do so much, and I know they are not substitute for being held and feeling that you matter to someone.
It is really hard to feel patient or stoic in that situation. And you shouldn't have to either. Everyone deserves to feel love and be loved in return. What gives me hope is the way you phrased it...."I feel unlovable sometimes". Sometimes makes me think that you are still making that effort to be hopeful, keep an open mind and open heart and see what the next corner brings. Sometimes suggests that although one can feel desperate and filled with heartache, it is not the definition of you. Sometimes speaks of a perseverance and gaze that is set towards the horizon rather than dwelling exclusively on what may have been in the past. Sometimes makes me think of hope, and it makes me very proud of you.
No worries, I judge not. <3
“What’s wrong with me” has been going through my head lately. Fiercely. Angrily. Painfully.
Idk what hope is anymore. Love. Acceptance. Freedom…
@jesusredeemedme2425
I am sorry to hear you are struggling so. The negative questions are sometimes difficult to drown out aren't they. So how about we try and give them a solid kick backwards and ask "What's right with Kiara? How is she unique? What are her great qualities? What makes her perfect for someone out there?". I appreciate that your initial reaction to some or all of those sorts of questions right now might not be easy or may be negative. But give it a go. Think on it as if you were an outsider looking in.
I hear the language you use about your thoughts and emotions towards yourself, and they sound very intense. Is the holiday season making it feel especially challenging? I would understand if being surrounded and bombarded by the picture-perfect images and sound-bites of cheer and togetherness was being a bit much: it can help alleviate low feelings and inspire, but I get that it could also highlight loneliness by comparison.
I know these following words are not going to instantly make you feel better, and probably won't influence how you are thinking or feeling at the moment, but perhaps you still need to hear them: You are thoughtful. You are kind. You are special. You are interesting. You make other people feel good about themselves. You are encouraging. You are friendly. You are nice.
Meh.
I don’t even have family that cares that I exist. Except my mom. Everyone else has somewhere to go for Christmas…
@jesusredeemedme2425
It may sound trite and clichéd (and it might not even be an idea you subscribe to) but there is a family we are born to and a family we choose and who choose us in return...and in the latter I think there is a great number of people who care that you exist.
Feeling lonely and isolated at Christmas is a crumby place to be. We might not be with you, but your friends here are thinking about you. I guess if you are feeling blue that maybe you are not feeling particularly Christmassy right now, but what sort of things do you think you might do to warm your heart and make it a little more comforting and pleasant for yourself? Kiara deserves as happy a Christmas as everyone else, so what things could help contribute to making that happen for you?
I choose you guys. But I will never meet you guys. It’s just… words on a page.
Idk. Nothing to do, nowhere to go.
@jesusredeemedme2425
I get that. It isn't the same as having someone in the flesh to be able to speak directly to and have human contact with. But even though we can't be with you, we still think about you and care how you are doing.
I also understand how it can be disheartening/frustrating when you options for activities and contacts are limited. So, as those are things we can't control, how about trying some little things that might still give you a bit of a feel-good vibe? For me, certain smells make me feel more Christmassy (mainly mandarins, cloves, cinnamon, and vanilla). In the past I have gotten an orange and spiked it with cloves to make my home feel a little more festive. I know you have a complicated relationship with food, but is there perhaps a treat you might get just for you that you tell yourself "this is for Kiara, it is a treat and there is no guilt attached whether I eat it all at once or stretch it out...it is just to please me"? Again, for me it is marzipan. I get myself a block and then cut it up into small lumps that I snack on when I feel the yen for a sweet almondy treat.
And if you still don't feel festive, that is fine and understandable too....so pleased don't beat yourself down if you don't feel particularly sparkly. Your feelings are valid, whatever they end up being
That’s how I feel about romantic relationships.
I didn’t do much for Christmas. Anything, really.
Marzipan, ew hehe. You can have my share XD
I wish I were completely numb. I also wish I had the ability to cry. I legitimately just can’t most of the time.
How was your Christmas and new year?
@jesusredeemedme2425
Wishing you and your mum a happy, restful, and contented Christmas. I hope the day brings pleasant experiences and creates merry memories. *Smiles*
I fail at responding, sorry!
@jesusredeemedme2425
*Smiles* I never take it personally, so do not worry about it for even a second.
If anything, it makes me happy to think that you are so busy that some things just slip through the bet now and again. So think on it as a positive thing that your reply is a little later than you might otherwise have wished to get through your correspondences *smiles*.
I hope the start to this year has been kind to you, and you are doing the things that are either achieving your goals or else working towards them. As always though, there is no rush. We have maaaaaaaaany more months of this year to experience, and any one of them might bring interesting surprises.
Have you tried any of the food ideas from your around the world exploration of cuisines? I know you have said before that your kitchen facilities are limited, but maybe there has been some ideas or photos from replies to your posts that have inspired you to experiment?
I don't want to say something that might be uncomfortable for you, so feel free to ignore my question, but I wished to inquire how things are going with your relationship with food? Is it still a bit love-hate, or have you got to somewhere where you are feeling more comfortable with it. I know last year you seemed to be being pretty harsh on yourself about binge eating and not feeling like you had much self control at times....how is that now?
Anyway, it is a delight hearing from you again. I have posted very little for a while now. But I still poke my head over the parapet to see if the excellent folks here are doing okay.
Ciao for now, and I look forward to hearing from you whenever it is convenient.
Remind me next time. Don’t worry about bothering me hehe, I may have accidentally deleted the notification! Lol
I don’t have goals anymore. Just to survive.
No, I wish I could. We’re barely making it money-wise as it is…
I binge all the time. I managed to do better today and yesterday, but it tends to be more fear of running out of food or money that stops me.
Why haven’t you been around much lately?
@jesusredeemedme2425
Survival is as worthy a goal as any other, so I wish you success. I wish you didn't have to struggle so much. Life is not always fair, but it inspires me knowing that good folks such as yourself keep trying even when facing adversity.
Money worries are a real stress, so you have my utmost sympathy. I worry though that you are stressing about having the money to eat. Is there any support infrastructure where you live in case things get more difficult? I hope you would not be out off out of a sense of misplaced pride...everyone at some point or another needs a helping hand, so if there is a time you are struggling to make ends meet, grab whatever is out there..be it a foodbank, outreach group, or whatever. I understand how tough it can be. I remember in times past when money was tight, I used to go to a local fast food chain-restaurant and take the free ketchup and salt saches they had at the utensils counter so that I could make a soup out of them. We do what we must when we must. (And I don't recommend ketchup soup....not one of my best recipes ever *smiles*).
As to why I have been less present, it's nothing of any great significance; I would guess all Knights have to do Knight things at some point or another, and perhaps it is just my turn to do so. But it doesn't mean any of you here are less present in my thoughts. *Smiles*
I’ve plateaued. I’ve got nothing going in my life…
Friends have helped and we’re asking our church to help too. God’s got us <3
How did it taste? Hehe
We ate a lot of Mac and cheese and ramen when I was little. We were poor lol
Any fun knight things? Hehe
Awww <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
It does feel like a stinky bit of unfairness when our options seem to be limited. I am relieved to hear though that you do have some avenues of aid should you require it.
How did it taste? The ketchup soup you mean? Like watery vinegar with the ghost of tomato flavouring. The salt cut the watery sweetness a little, but it was still pretty vile.
Knight things aren't always necessarily fun or pleasant, so it always behoves me to find the pleasure in them. Everything can be a game if you look at it at the right angle....sometimes you might need to squint quite a bit, but it's still possible. *Smiles*
Sounds… delicious XD
You sound like Mary Poppins. ;)
Do they have Mac and cheese and ramen in England? Or is that more of an American thing?
@jesusredeemedme2425
*Floats down on an umbrella, singing "Just a spoonful of sugar"*
We do indeed have both. We even have a very popular brand of Ramen style noodles in the UK called Pot Noodle....alas, they are a very poor representation of how delicious Ramen can be.
I always loved Mac and cheese, and I love making it too. Though I am not great at making the macaroni pasta. I rarely manage to make it into even looking shapes.
Hehe chim chimney ;)
We have Cup Noodles here. We teasingly call it Cup of Salt. Hehe
You MAKE pasta??? You have skills I do not possess hehe
@jesusredeemedme2425
Cup of salt...I like it. Sounds like Cup noodles and pot noodles are children of the same chefs.
Ahh, you only think it is a skill because you haven't SEEN my pasta creations. I imagine you are thinking something along the lines of 'impressive application of kitchen knowhow'....but one look at my misshapen efforts would change that to 'oh! Kindergarten play dough after the toddlers have finished with it'. *Smiles*
Well, since most of the foods in the US are made by the same manufacturers… I wouldn’t doubt it lol
Lol, that’s me. I have great skill in art… but give me Play-Doh and it looks like a 5 year old made a snake with it lol
@jesusredeemedme2425
I have great respect for those with artistic skill. I personally can dabble, but the image that I have in my imagination is never realised in my finished creations. So, it makes me especially seed of those who can produce exactly what they want to do artistically speaking.
As to my wonky pasta, I'm a little more lenient on myself...it tastes just the same no matter how misshapen, so I'm content.
I paint little miniatures as a past time, and use acrylics and some inks. But I have been watching videos online about combining oil paints and using various techniques which I was not previously aware of, so I am looking forward to making a mess in the not too distant future. *Smiles*
I can’t either tho. I can’t draw out of my head. I copy freehand.
Exactly! It all looks the same in your stomach anyway XD
Mixed media would be fun! <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
And Mac and cheese, as well as Ramen is the food of champions....after all, a million students seem to swear by them.
I’m not ok :’( Check my last post under general
@jesusredeemedme2425
I am very sorry to hear that you are not in a good place my friend. I have seen your posts on feeling a need for some extra love at the moment, as well as those regarding both your request for hearing for green flags of others experiences of men, and your defence of your feelings about your own complicated feelings regarding males. It makes me sad to hear some of the things you said, for it is troubling to think anyone has upset your equilibrium to the point you feel you need to justify how you feel. So it makes me very proud of you to see you also posting about seeking others 'green flag' experiences. Keeping hopeful and open minded when afraid or disappointed is a hugely difficult task, so it always impresses me when I see someone trying. Not trying because they have to, not because someone says they should, but rather because they are attempting to persevere. That is a very inspiring thing to see someone else doing. So kudos to you.
So Kiara needs some extra love and gentler treatment at the moment...and why not after all. You keep so active in pursuing upbeat and uplifting posting, that you certainly deserve some extra consideration.
I would imagine you don't need me to offer any reassurances about there being gentlemen out in the world, for you are a smart lady and your judgement and opinions are the best captain to steer your boat. Instead I just want to let you know that whatever you feel, whenever you feel it, and for whatever the reason, it is important because it matters to you. And if that means that occasionally you need people you can trust to sit with you a while and just be supportive, then you have a lot of people here who would gladly take a seat.
Sometimes all the mean things, the cruelties, the let downs, and the fearsome stuff can feel insurmountable. So I wholeheartedly endorse repaving the world with cotton-wool softened edges duvet comforting warmth. It would be so great if all walls were just pillow forts.
But just because I am musing about how pleasing such a hypothetical reality might be, doesn't mean that I for a second think you need ignore or play down how you feel. Just be you Kiara. And when you need that extra bit of fluffy feeling to bolster you, all your friends can try to provide it to you.
I wish I could see and feel the good in men. Right now, I cower inwardly…
@jesusredeemedme2425
It is understandable. When ones experiences are unpleasant, it is hard not to anticipate future experiences through that same lens. I hope that as more and more of life unfolds before you that things feel less threatening and unpleasant, and that you get to enjoy a different aspect of what it can offer. I think there perhaps is a fair bit of truth to the saying 'once bitten, twice shy'. Maybe people who have not had the same sort of life experiences forget what it is like to be frightened and wary. Or even perhaps find it challenging to empathise due to having no mutual frame of reference. What is important is that it does not make you feel like that is something you should feel bad about. There really isn't any need to try to conform to others expectation...especially if doing so makes you feel uncomfortable or upset. Be you, because nobody else can be you, and we definitely need the exact you that you are. You are the one and only (and thus best by default) you there is.
I wonder if I’ll ever find a truly safe man.
@jesusredeemedme2425
I can't think of a reason why that should not be a possibility for you.
There are billions of people out there, and I would like to think that decent people are in the majority. So it would seem the odds are in your favour.
*Smiles*
Tell me about Basti’s current life. What’s going on in the world of Basti?? <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
Ah, Bastions life is a very dull subject for most people I would imagine.
I have at long last started weight training again after nearly two years of not being able to due to my spinal surgery. It leaves me very sore afterwards, but it feels good to be able to slowly build myself back into the person I once was. Maybe even a better version, who knows.
I have been experimenting with new recipes, spurred on by discovering a couple of delightful grocery stores in the city I live in which sell really unusual food items from across Asia and the Middle East....many of the items don't have packaging in English, so i have to cheerfully guess how to use the items. So far so good.
Other than that, it is just the usual everyday stuff that everyone does....wandering lost in forest pixie mazes, swimming up waterfalls of liquid crystal and frozen sunlight shards, visiting abandoned cloud castles, battling boorish beasties boldly before breakfast, and playing hide and seek with ghostly mist dragons...you know, the usual. *Smiles*
It’s not dull, it’s special because you are <3
I’m so glad you’re finally able to be more of yourself <3 A better version??? imagines super buff knight riding a massive wolf dragon
Yes. A wolf dragon. Hehe
What were they like???
Oh yeah, I do that stuff too. Just did some dragon battling this morning. ;)
The emotions are strong tonight… Things I didn’t write about. Things I can’t say. Just… emotions. Struggle. Hurt. Shutting down emotions to keep going. Trauma. Pain…
I’m safe. I’ll be ok. You never have to worry about me being unsafe.
I just need some love… Help me get through this.
@jesusredeemedme2425
*0ffers comfort to you*
Night time can be challenging, when one just has one's own thoughts rattling around and amplifying emotions.
If you can't find the words or it just isn't things you can say, maybe feeling all the feels is all that has to happen. Maybe that is the essence of battling dragons...it's less about needing to shout about it, and more just something that one does.
When you are feeling at a low ebb, does it help to think about all those people who's lives you make that bit more pleasant by your actions and words? Does that help a little bit refill your love tank when it is running a bit empty?
Sorry, I’m really behind on my notifications again.
Yeah, nights are rough.
Maybe that’s why I love drawing dragons so much…
Vaguely but not really. Not much helps nowadays…
@jesusredeemedme2425
Just checking in to see how you are feeling today.
Of COURSE I never saw this. :( Sorry…
@jesusredeemedme2425
Do not fret it for a second. You never need apologise for missing anything I write to you. I never take offence, and understand completely that things are easily overlooked, especially when one is as active on the forums as yourself. So please do not worry even for a moment.
I hope things are going in ways you would like at the moment. And even if things are not quite there yet, even one little step is still closer to your goals. Enough little steps (even tiny ones) eventually add up to leagues of distance travelled.
*Smiles*
You should take part in my recent series. I have decreed it. ;)
Eh I’m trying to reverse my prediabetes. Does that count lol
@jesusredeemedme2425
Of course it is. Very worthy indeed. Changing ones diet and eating habits is every bit as challenging as learning a new skill, going regularly to a gym, or picking up a language...it requires an amount of dedication, practice, and perseverance. It isn't always fun, but you can take satisfaction in the journey as well as the final results. Go team you!
Ok why is it not notifying me when you write to me?? Lol
But I like ice cream. Lol
@jesusredeemedme2425
Ah, maybe Cups is acting as your personal assistant and is seeing my messages and deciding 'BastionKnight? He never has anything that important or interesting to say...put his message to the bottom. Kiara is a busy lady and has no time for such nonsense!' *Smiles*
As to loving ice-cream, I am sure most of us would concur with that choice. Having it as a treat is fine....think of all those feel good endorphins you can enjoy as you taste that delectable dish! Its all about moderation.
No wayyyyy! You’re one of my favorite people <3
What is moderation?? ;)
