Chat Between @jesusredeemedme2425 and @BastionKnight :)
I just wanted to say hi and maybe start a chat with you! Please disregard if you’re not comfy with it or don’t want to. No pressure either way! :)
I just had a breakdown… Sobbing. I’m a mess :’(
@jesusredeemedme2425
Do you want to talk about it or would just some quiet support help you best right now?
Both?
Stuff I can’t share, but it’s a lot of things out of my control, not enough rest and me time and silence, etc. Feel like I’m losing my mind from lacking so many things…
@jesusredeemedme2425
*Comforts you* sounds like a lot is coming at you all at once.
Idk how to handle it. I hate my life :’(
@jesusredeemedme2425
That sounds like some very heavy emotions. Is something making things especially challenging (you don't need to tell me any details, I am not pressing for info, just trying to understand why you are having such a difficult time)?
I get the impression from things you gave said in the past that things can build up and build up for you until it gets too much. Is that what is happening at the moment? I get the feeling that you ask a lot from yourself...maybe too much sometimes....it doesn't look like you treat yourself with the same kindness you show others. Is that a fair assessment do you think?
Just doing too much, not having control, not having rest. Hard to explain suitably without sharing details.
Yes, the build up is real.
It’s not me as much. It’s just… too much responsibility.
@jesusredeemedme2425
You have frequently seemed to me to be someone who is constantly pushing themselves...whether it is drawing even though your wrist hurts, making lots of posts here, responding thoughtfully to lots of other forum messages, not to mention your real world responsibilities. I guess that must be exhausting sometimes, even if some parts are also helpful to your sense of self worth and mental equilibrium, it seems it still might be emotionally taxing sometimes.
Is there any possibility to maybe just try and find some quiet time just for yourself, without any other duties or responsibilities intruding on that time?
Trying. Responsibilities usually cut into that time, though.
@jesusredeemedme2425
Trying is good enough. Small steps complete exactly the same destination as large strides.
Trying new art techniques <3
Steps to where? I’m stuck. I’m so many ways…
@jesusredeemedme2425
Does there need to be an end goal or destination?
I can understand how inertia can be frustrating or down-heartening. Why do you feel stuck? Is there something that you feel is the most pressing cause for you not being able to move in the directions you want to go in?
Yes.
My stupid life.
@jesusredeemedme2425
Hmmm, is this the same life that you are using to make other people smile with your interesting posts and supportive comments, uplifting others for no reason beyond that it is the decent thing to do and they need it?
If so, that doesn't seem that stupid to me.
If there were no impediments to you having exactly the life you wanted, what would it look like?
Besides changing the things I can’t discuss… I want to reverse my prediabetes.
Also I wanna read more. Thinking about blocking my access to certain social media because it’s rotting my brain for hours on end.
I wanna be a better Christian and actually WANT Jesus.
And I want to do WAY more art! And different kinds!
And go out and do things. Even alone. Maybe a restaurant and a book and art. Done that before. Gotta do it again.
And sleep. That one’s harder due to my circumstances and because my prediabetes makes me chug water.
I want my mental health back!!!
@jesusredeemedme2425
I notice that your descriptions of what you would ideally like your life to be are all comparative; do more, do less, be more, be better. I think you are holding yourself up against a host of bars that you are setting very high. I get the impression that makes you very unhappy, because it seems like it is all or nothing...if you don't achieve what you think you should, you punish yourself with these comparisons.
I think your ongoing efforts to put your prediabetes into remission is an admirable endeavour. Dealing with the thirst and portion control / balanced diet is not always going to be easy or fun, but I have confidence in you. Just don't beat yourself down every time you think you aren't doing the right thing.
The lack of sleep thing is a tough one. I doubt anyone will deny that when sleep is disrupted or lessened for any reason, it just adds an extra layer of difficulty onto normal life.
Maybe it might be helpful focussing more on making small gains in the direction of those aspects you listed, rather than looking into the distance at the end goal; having lower blood sugar readings for a week, going to bed earlier/not looking at a screen before bed, taking a hiatus from social media for two days in a row, that sort of thing. Doesn't need to be huge changes...success is success whether great or small.
I believe in you.
What else am I supposed to do?
I literally just wanna survive.
I hate my life dude
Sleep doesn’t get better.
Meh.
I’m being attacked by a mosquito tonight. HE JUST BIT ME AHHHHH IT ITCHES!!!!! I have like 2-4 welts so far. Can’t tell. Trying SO HARD to smack him, but dude’s a NINJA :( So miserable rn
@jesusredeemedme2425
The beastly pest! I hope you have managed to ward off the bitey beasty now?
Yeah, but his relatives keep moving in. literally scratching another bite as I type this XD
@jesusredeemedme2425
The cheeky blighters. You should charge them rent!
How have things been for you lately? (Other than the itchy insect bitey irritants).
Better. Learning by trial and error to make (and keep!) boundaries. Eating HFCS when I shouldn't. Headache arriving soon lol
How about you???
I binged on purpose tonight.
@jesusredeemedme2425
How do you feel about it?
I felt bad. I usually do. But I also often dont care. Like tonight.
@jesusredeemedme2425
Was it a particularly tough day or something upset you? When you say you don't care, does that mean you are beating yourself up about it or is that frustration talking?
Either way, there is always going to be some days that go to plan and some days that don't. Just like the messages on many of the things you have posted in various forums, progress isn't always linear...back steps aren't defeat, they are just another stepping stone along the way.
No, sometimes I just legit decide that I'm binging that night. I just stop caring about whatever. Idk why
Sometimes its hard to see the truth of that in my.own life.
I've been feeling very icky inside at church lately
@jesusredeemedme2425
Icky? How did you usually feel there, (I am presuming this was not the way you always felt there)?
For a long time really
I have almost no one there who cares about me. Or so it feels
@jesusredeemedme2425
That sounds very sad. What makes you think they do not care about you? You are such a caring individual yourself that I am surprised to hear that there would be any social circle that would not be eager and happy to count you amongst them.
Sometimes it can be hard to *** cliques, and feeling like the outsider can be very lonely. Do you have anyone amongst the congregation that you feel more friendly towards?
Idk
Was that word pene*trate? Lol
Not really
@jesusredeemedme2425
It was indeed that word. I didn't even spot that it had edited out.
If the community/congregation doesn't make you feel good being with them, why keep going? Is it that you feel obliged to, or is it that you hope things might change?